DP wants my teenager to contribute for food

[Anuta77]

I have a 16 year old son who was abandonned by his father (no maintenance) et lives with me full time. He recently started working, a few hours Saturday and Sunday on minimum salary.
My DP has 2 adult children (18, 22 and 24) for whom he still pays maintenance. The 18 year old still visits us EOW.
We have a 7 year old together.

We have a common account where we contribute 50-50 and the common expenses come out from there, so my DP considers that he pays for my son because his contribution covers half of his food and electricity bills. I pay my son's other expenses from my personal account. I also pay some of our common child's expenses myself and sometimes pay for some of DP things, just because I'm the one who likes shopping. DP never shops for anything interesting for me, so I never get anything personal from him. I also invite us to restaurants occasionnally and contribute more if we go on vacation. That's sort of my contribution because my DP pays for my son. I also contributed to our common son's study account all by myself. DP says that he has no money to contribute because he pays for my teenager (doesn't matter that his 24 year old should have been financially independant by now, but he's taking his time travelling instead of finishing his diploma and still needs at least 2 years to get it and the 22 year old didn't even enter the uni for the same reasons).

I also agreed to buy an expensive electric car so that my DP could go pick up and/or visit his children in another town and he still uses it for work purposes and discounts expenses on it as a freelancer. I use it too, but only when he doesnt need it. We paid for this car 7 years 50-50.

I also can't imagine how we would calculate my son's portion of food and electricity. Not to mention my DP's daughter's, even if she comes less often, if my son would pay for his expenses, why should I pay for my SD? Just by principle. I think it would be super messy and ridiculous. And disgusting.

My DP always made somewhat more than me, but this year has been more difficult for him, however when I made less than him, I just managed.

Any advice on how to manage this situation?

How can you want to stay with him yet alone love him? The moment he viewed my child like he views your I would be gone. Your poor son.

This man sounds horrible...why are you with him? How can you let him treat you and your child like this? If this is true, my mind.boggles. surely no-one is so transactional in a relationship....

Your son is still a child and presumably in FT education, so should not be paying anything.

I'm guessing he's earning a pittance for his weekend job, so that should be pocket money or savings for him.

Your DP needs to stop contributing to his older 'travelling' DC. If they're taking time out of education, they're taking time out of maintenance too. Personally I'd have stopped at their 20th birthday. If they want to travel, or go on and on into further degrees/masters/PHDs, then they need to work to finance it.

If he is going to insist on 'keep' for your son, then his DD needs to contribute for the days she stays. if he says no then ask why she gets to eat and use utilities for free if your son can't.

I'd stop with the buying DP gifts. If he never does anything for you then reciprocate.

Work out how much extra you're already paying than him - joint DCs education fund and expenses, gifts, vacations, etc etc - then show him that you're already contributing more. Explain you're happy for those things to come out of the joint account in future, and you'll use your personal money to pay more for your son.

If your son was working full time I could see his point, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. You are one household, and he surely knew that when you began living together. His decision to continue supporting his adult children is irrelevant.

Since my DH moved in with us, he never once suggested that he shouldn't be paying towards my daughter. She has always lived with us, and although I received maintenance for her, it was minimal. Over the years, he has helped pay for school trips and driving lessons and is now helping support her through university. He is one of her parents, and behaves as such.

How petty! I just have no words. Your child isn’t an orphan, he has you! He is only 16 ffs!!

completely agree

I only charged mine once they finished compulsory education ie after finishing college.

So my 19 years and above paid something towards the household depending on their earnings. For me in my own circumstances I asked them to pay what I lost in tax credit/UC as a minimum when they first left education then increased it once they were in full time employment and earning at least as much as me.

Why are you allowing this? Leave the cunt!

You are somewhat making excuses for him OP, when this is not ok. Working out what your son 'owes' shouldn't be the first place he goes to. I would think this is bad if your DP didn't have any of his own children, but he is supporting three young adults. You need to a put a strong boundary in here.

The fact that you don’t see what’s going on and even defend him is scary

Time to choose between your son or your partner op, choose wisely!
You have got so used to this pathetic excuse of a man that his behaviour seems normal to you. It is not normal! The conversations you describe are crazy! I guarantee that your poor son knows exactly what this man thinks of him. He's just trying to survive it and will leave as soon as he can to get away from you both.
This man is using you as some kind of cash cow. You are funding his existence at the expense of your child. I'd rather be alone and a good parent. Step up and get rid of him before you lose your son.

This.

We are a blended family. Dd 21, Ds 13 and dh and I. We pool all our income - dh works, I don’t, been together 15 years, we give ourselves the same amount of spending money. Dh has supported dd as though she were his own, all through university and she’s now looking for a graduate job and living between us and university- we’ve agreed she’ll only start contributing when she gets a proper full time job. Maybe that’s too soft the other way but your poor son - he’s 16! Your dh sounds like a dick.

Disgusting man.
There is clearly zero financial need and the hypocrisy of supporting his kids in their 20s would boil my piss.

Agree its controlling /financial abuse your poor son ☹️

Ideally tell him to fuck off and stop being a bully.
failing that, Separate your finances.

if you cant do either then tell your dickhead partner you'll add x extra per week or I'd give your ds the money to give back to you both 🙄

But this isnt right - your son shouldn't have to live in a hostile home.

He must be pretty awful to your son if he's picking out and using his minor expenses to this degree. I'd raise the finances with him like you have here.let him see the breakdown and then come back with that excuse ever again. The car itself is a big give when ur only using it occasionally but paying way more. Write the breakdown down and present it to him.

It's sad that your DH has been in your son's life since he was around 8 (given the maths as you have a 7 year old together) and he thinks your son should pay his way. Generous birthday presents aren't as important as being a child with the reassurance that you aren't going to have to battle to have food and shelter paid for.

That's just embarrassing for him and I'm surprised it hasn't made you rethink the whole relationship.

He's 47 not 87, if he's worried about not being able to feed the children you both have responsibility for then then perhaps he needs to find another job.

Yep, this.

Who but the meanest of men would expect a 16 year old schoolboy to contribute to household finances.

Jesus.

What an utter arsehole.
Any respect I would have for this man would be gone.
Separate your finances

It's not unpopular if the same rule applies to all the kids fairly. I don't think it does in this case. Ops kids choose to go off travelling but their dad pays for them. Ops son works a small job and the partner wants to take what little he makes to cover food and electric. That's not ok.

He needs to stop paying for a 24 and 22 year old. Tell them they have to get a job and start contributing to their mother.

It doesn't sound from your OP that you're really struggling for money. As such his view strikes me as nasty and manipulative. So I agree with other posters that this is less a question on the finances and more about the future of your relationship.

Put you son first, as you should.

Tell your DP you pay for your son, as he’s only 16 (and presumably still in education). That’s the deal. You pay for your son. Non negotiable.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a man who expected my 16 yo to contribute financially, when I’d paid for half his expensive electric car and his 18 yo stays every OW from our common expenses. He’s being v unreasonable. You’re a couple financially only when it suits him

It's just a weekend job. He's not working full time.

I would leave him immediately.

If not. I would separate all finances.

I would be making a plan to leave him in the future.

I’m sorry but your DP sounds just awful. Your DS is only 16. Your DP is still paying maintenance for his kids who are 18 and 21. His choice, but that impacts you as there is less money in the pot for your household. Not saying he should necessarily stop but he needs to stop being such an idiot about your DS. If he can’t see that his attitude is problematic, then I don’t know where you go from here because he’s revealing himself to be not very bright and deeply unpleasant.

This.

Your poor son was abandoned by his dad and now he has been forced to live with this arsehole.

This is very transactional as a relationship. Does he not give you the ick ?

Of course your DS shouldn’t have to pay. He’s a child.
Is the 24 year old still a child ?