I do not see the need to leap to her sudden demand to meet her

[VanillaPlanifolia]

I've been in my DSD's life for 7 years now. I offered before even meeting them to meet mum for a coffee. She just said "OK look forward to it" and then never arranged it. I didn't arrange it as it was for her really not me so as she didn't I assumed she wasn't that fussed if that makes sense. Anyway she's suddenly decided years later to ask if we could all go out and get to know each other. I've had my own child since then and don't want her to have anything to do with them really. I also can't see the point of meeting her now when it's been 7 years and the kids are nearly grown up they'll be leaving for uni in a few years so what's the point. Anyone else dealt with a sudden interest? I think it's because she's thinking of uni fees and is trying to butter me up personally in the hopes I'll help pay (fat chance).

She’s just responding to the multiple posters who keep saying it/asking about it. She hasn’t brought it up once herself.

She’s also stated that they have a great relationship, with her in the position of stepmum.

So seven years on how has she raised this? Via DH?

If you met in passing during a pick up or drop off with DH there it would be more natural to say a quick hello. No reason at all for her to need to meet you now. And I certainly wouldn’t be in a hurry to meet someone who had tried to lay claim to my salary!

What do the kids think? Do you think it is something they want?

Nothing to lose by meeting, I'd say.

Except your time, which is precious.

I don’t understand this at all. Of course I would want to meet my partner’s child. This is a very strange thread and I can only assume there is a huge backstory that hasn’t been shared.

It's MN, if you don't wash your SC's clothes, you're basically guilty of neglect. Ignoring the fact they have a perfectly able father to do that for them!

@VanillaPlanifolia I wouldn't be falling over myself to meet her. After seven years, I'd say she has an agenda of her own for whatever reason. Why even think about it now? Bizarre.

@ColaCar ..Tine which is possibly saved in fractious relations down the line.

This.

Does she never do drop off? Or does she stay in the car and send the kids in?

Because if the kids have never seen you in the same space they will worry. I grew up seeing my parents and their partners chatting and being normal and civilised. My stbxh grew up without them uttering a word to each other. The first time they met each others partners was at our wedding. He was so stressed they would fall out. He had no reason to think that and they were perfectly civil but it caused unnecessary stress all round.

I think people are ignoring the very obvious reason the ex is likely to want to meet - to try and get more money out of OP. As she's been repeatedly asking about OP's salary.
For that reason I wouldn't meet - ex can discuss that with DH if she's that brazen.

That's your experience - all of our kids are horrified at the thought of us talking to each other.

This thread is crazy as per usual.

SM here and nearly 6 years in I've never met DSD's mum. What would be the point exactly? Our two lives are in fact very much separate and it's pretty clear from DH that we are 2 entirely different people anyway. I'm sure our paths will cross at some point, at a graduation maybe, and it will be a brief hello if in close proximity to each other.

So what that this woman is OP's child's siblings Mum? My Mum has never met my two step brothers aside from my own wedding because they are of no relation to her whatsoever.

Everyone on here is bonkers.

@PippaKing totally agree

Ive never met the baby mama and its been nearly 6yrs...its mental really. I could never not know the person my child is living with...

But i agree, the ship has sailed, I have no desire to meet her but I do wonder if I'd find things easier if there was some sort of communication

Yes you should meet her, it's really odd to me that you haven't already. It must be so strange for the kids to have these 2 totally separate family units. Really stressful.
And as to why now- how old is your DC? Might be she's more aware now that you are a permanent fixture and not odd to want to meet her children's half sibling.
You keep saying she is nothing to you. She shouldn't be, she is literally the primary carer for 2 children that you are supposed to love and care for. How you can not even have a passing interest in what kind of person she is and how she treats the kids is really bizarre. Your attitude to your step children does seem quite distant from the way you speak about them.

@Onlyvisiting , before he dropped seeing dd1 completely, my ex had another hold . Dd1 and I have never met her , nor would I wish too .

I don't care if she wants to meet her child's half sibling, she doesn't have anything to do with them

And no I don't really care what sort of person she is

All of this is complete tosh.

I’m assuming the OP subscribes to the MN opinion that says ‘I will be nice to my step kids when they are with us, but they are nothing to do with me apart from that’.

@DurinsBane In defence of many stepmums, sometimes they start out wanting more than that but are slapped down. My experience was constant drama if I didnt know 'my place'. If I tried to go above and beyond it was turned into a competition. If I did a bit extra - "you do realise this woman is nothing to you and if daddy and her broke up, you would never see her again." Cruel.

The disengaging is often a gradual progress which makes things more peaceful for the child. Sad though, depriving your child of a positive relationship with another adult due to insecurity. (Apologies for tangent!)

Primary carer to 2 children? Pretty sure the OP has only ever mentioned one child... not that it's relevant anyway.

I certainly have no interest in my DSD's Mum. Again, why would I? DSD mentions a few things in passing so I get a good enough picture without meeting her. I'm going to see her at a graduation, wedding, the odd big birthday perhaps, maybe a funeral, so maybe 5 times in my lifetime. Less than my 3rd cousin once removed 😂I'm pretty sure she also has no interest in hanging out with me either and I can't say I blame her!

Lots of people on here seem to thing they can tell step-mum's what we should be doing and thinking and I've quite frankly had enough of it.

I've met my stepkids mum but we still have completely separate family units. Even if OP met this woman it's not going to change that.

It really doesn't matter what kind of person she is or how she treats the kids because that's out of OPs control. My SKs mum is a horrible person and not a great mum but there's absolutely nothing I can do about that.

OP meeting this woman is unlikely to change the family dynamic and by the sounds of it serves only to satisfy the exes curiosity about OPs finances. OP owes this woman nothing. Not her time, not her respect, not answers to any questions she may have. Birthing a child does not grant you access to certain people or command any level of respect.