I do not see the need to leap to her sudden demand to meet her

[VanillaPlanifolia]

I've been in my DSD's life for 7 years now. I offered before even meeting them to meet mum for a coffee. She just said "OK look forward to it" and then never arranged it. I didn't arrange it as it was for her really not me so as she didn't I assumed she wasn't that fussed if that makes sense. Anyway she's suddenly decided years later to ask if we could all go out and get to know each other. I've had my own child since then and don't want her to have anything to do with them really. I also can't see the point of meeting her now when it's been 7 years and the kids are nearly grown up they'll be leaving for uni in a few years so what's the point. Anyone else dealt with a sudden interest? I think it's because she's thinking of uni fees and is trying to butter me up personally in the hopes I'll help pay (fat chance).

If you don’t want to meet her, just don’t go.

As a SM, everyone will tell you what you want is irrelevant though. It’s all about making everyone else feel comfortable and heard, even the ex who’s been asking after your own salary in the past.

Why did you decide seven years ago that it would be a good idea to meet, then change your mind when she agreed?

Could this request have been triggered by something the step children have mentioned to her? Is anything going on that's affecting them, either in your home or at school where they need support?
It could even be as simple as the kids mention you when they are at home with her, and it's just come up in conversation that you've never met?
Could be something the kids have suggested to her?

@VanillaPlanifolia I still think it's sad that you don't see yourself as a "mother figure" to your step children.
When they are at your house surely you do things that mums do - remind them to wear their coat, make them a sandwich, help with a homework question, tell them "don't leave your shoes where they'll get tripped over", find the lost phone charger, change the bedsheets if period blood gets on it and your step daughter is a bit embarrassed......and 1001 other things.
Do you literally only do things for your daughter and nothing for your step children?
Very odd way to live.

I don’t think it is any of your business to question the OP like this and it has veered far away from the original question.
I wouldn’t want to go for a coffee without knowing the agenda. So I can understand the reluctance after all these years.

@Gonk123 that's a valid point. It's none of my business. @VanillaPlanifolia ignore me if you want to 🙂

Are you? You're hiding it well.

You say she’s no-one to you but I’ve just re-read your OP and you aren’t actually asking for opinions on whether to meet. You started a thread to complain about her wanting to meet. You are giving her too much headspace for her to be no-one.

I would have the coffee. I’d meet in a coffee shop and make my excuses after half an hour, “must dash to Sainsbury’s to pick up lunch for the kids”.

It will remove any awkwardness from future life events for your DSD. Nobody wants the uncertainty of what might happen or be said to overshadow an important day. You may think that you won’t care about her being a stranger when these occasions come around, but you are giving this small request too much time and energy for that to be true.

It really won't be awkward

Wtf. No I do not remind them to wear their coats! I might make sandwiches if it's my turn to make lunch for everyone - thats not motherly. They don't leave their shoes where we'll trip over them. Their dad does their bedsheets and clothes and they find their own phone chargers. I think you underestimate my husband and the kids.

How do we go to terminally ill from asking to meet. This place is amazing I love it

@VanillaPlanifolia no offence but the way you are with your step children does sound quite cold.
I can't imagine living like that.
As I said way back at the beginning of the thread - poor kids.
I'm going to leave this thread now 🙂

I'm perfectly capable of being a normal civilised person.

Not one of your responses on here suggests that is true tbh.

I wouldn’t meet her, after 7 years what’s the point

She doesn't sound cold at all.

Because I don't wash their bedding and clothes?

It depends on whether you wash the bedding and clothes of the rest of your household. If that’s not a task you usually do, then no, fair enough. If it’s a task you do usually do for everyone else in your household but conscious exclude them, then yes.

I wash our bedding and DH washes DSC’s and that’s absolutely fine.

What a weird thing for anyone to have brought up, why are people talking about who washes bedding.

🙄 this is so petty

As if two (presumably) teenagers give a rats arse who does their washing. As long as they’re not doing it they will not give two hoots. Behave.

It seems to me indicative of your attitude to your stepchildren, but up to you.

You're really fixated on how you wouldn't replace their mother.

And you wouldn't, but as an example a colleague lost her mum when colleague was an adult. Her dad's wife, who she had never lived with or really considered a stepmum, was the one she turned to post childbirth for support. This woman took on the role that her mother would have taken but never did either of them consider her a replacement in any way.

No I'm not! Someone said I would so I responded to that. If someone asked me what's for dinner and I answered you'd tell me I was fixated on food!

I don't wash their stuff because their DAD does it. As is his right and obligation.

Sometime step children can be really sensitive to being treated differently, even something as minor as you putting on a load of washing but not putting their stuff. But if your DSC don’t have a problem with it then nobody here should in this instance.

They wouldn't even notice. He does it when they aren't there.