I do not see the need to leap to her sudden demand to meet her

[VanillaPlanifolia]

I've been in my DSD's life for 7 years now. I offered before even meeting them to meet mum for a coffee. She just said "OK look forward to it" and then never arranged it. I didn't arrange it as it was for her really not me so as she didn't I assumed she wasn't that fussed if that makes sense. Anyway she's suddenly decided years later to ask if we could all go out and get to know each other. I've had my own child since then and don't want her to have anything to do with them really. I also can't see the point of meeting her now when it's been 7 years and the kids are nearly grown up they'll be leaving for uni in a few years so what's the point. Anyone else dealt with a sudden interest? I think it's because she's thinking of uni fees and is trying to butter me up personally in the hopes I'll help pay (fat chance).

Do yo not think that back then she probably didn’t want to meet you because she didn’t want to know- as in if me and dh broke up now and he got with someone I’d be devastated or in the least bitter/sad. She’s possibly just gotten over it and it’s a growth thing

Wth. They won't want me to be a mother figure. They'd want me to be their stepmum the same as I always have been. Our relationship is really good, probably because I'm not trying to be a mother figure.

If someone invited me for a coffee, I 100% would expect them to arrange it. It never happened because you never followed through on your suggestion.

Hmm so my parents and their partners have all met several times, no biggie they aren't friends but at the point of "hairdresser" conversation - holidays, mutual acquaintances, milestones. DH's mother and step mother had never met before our wedding, suddenly it became a "thing" and we had to fit in a lunch the week before because out of the blue they both insisted they couldn't do it at the wedding. I'd just get it over with and it could be that as their mother she is becoming more aware of the future events. Frankly I don't see its a big issue. Its just a coffee, so pick a place nearby by claiming you need to be close for DD, get your mum to look after her and then go spend a hour tops with her and head home. Sorted, no drama

I guess I don't want it to be a thing for my DSD. But it's not really a thing. It's only a thing now she's making it a thing. Maybe it's a thing for her. Do you think maybe she feels insecure or something and is worried that when she sees me she'll feel weird? I don't know.

My experience of DH's side was these things can suddenly become a "thing" for no particular reason, so I'm grateful my lot just sort of slid into general politeness early on when I was young. There could be a hundred reasons she wants to do it now, from big ones like the suggestion of illness or little ones like a friend in a similar situation mentioned something, and it occurred to her that actually, you both should just do it. I really wouldn't overthink it, but equally, not put it off and organise it on your own terms.

Your first post. ....... you invited mum for a coffee, she said yes, then you should have responded.

I’d be far too nosy to contemplate not meeting her and I’d be asking what made her decide she wanted to meet you at this stage within the first minutes of this meeting!

But you are the one who suggested the meeting and then never followed up on it. She's the mother of girls who you have said you love to bits, so you are going to be dealing with her if they get married, have children etc. It's a bit mad to be this stand-offish.

DH said, let us know if you want to go for coffee with Vanilla sometime. She said sounds good look forward to it.

At no point in the 7 years has she followed up and she has at no point tried to say hello when she dropped the kids off. There's literally no point now!

And? She would be dealing with me. Why has she only just decided now?

The people you meet at weddings for the first time are not people you expressed an interest in meeting up with years ago, nor are they co-parents of the bride/graduand or co-grandparents of the child being christened.

I could ask for the agenda haha

Might as well be though. We don't really have anything to do with each other

Because she's realised it's a bit mad that you never have had that meet-up? At the very least, it's a bit like when your child gets married - you don't expect the wedding day to be the first time you meet and talk to the fiancé's parents.

Completely different. I'm no one to her

We don't really have anything to do with DS's in-laws, but we met up with them before the wedding so no-one was a stranger on the day.

I'm fine with her being a stranger on the day. She's not going to get to know me over one meal

It’s not insulting at all. The clue is in the name: you’re their stepmother.

And I don’t understand why you thought it was up to her to arrange the meeting all those years ago. If someone asked me if I’d like to meet them for a coffee and I replied "yes", the normal thing would be for them to make the next move and arrange the meeting they’d suggested. If they didn't, I’d assume they’d changed their mind and didn’t want to meet me after all.

I don’t think she’s the one being difficult here.

Seems like a lot of fuss. Can't you just send her a message and say that you're more than happy to have a quick coffee but is there anything urgent that has prompted this need to meet up after all these years.

It's insulting. If someone suggested someone else could replace me as mum for my daughter I'd be insulted. I'm pretty sure mum would be insulted and rightly so. She does a LOT for her kids and is an amazing mum to them.

@VanillaPlanifolia you need to meet her, you should meet her and you must meet her! We need to know what she wants now 🤣

Just go or don't go. PPs are right, as your step-kids get into adulthood, there will be more occasions where you will be together.

Maybe that has occurred to her and she wants to get that initial meeting over with. It would be churlish to turn it down, seeing as you offered initially. 7 years is not actually that long, in terms of getting over a marriage/family break up. Maybe she is ready now.

As your child grows up, they are likely to come into contact with her too, if they have an independent relationship with their siblings. I get the impression that your child meeting her, is making you react strangely to the request.

You sound ĺike you really don't want to, so don't. Why give it this much head space. It will be odd or awkward to meet for the first time at a wedding. But eg graduations are limited ticket numbers you might not need to worry about those events. If you don't want meet her then don't.

You wouldn't be "replacing" her as in "doing everything she did in such a wonderful way that they wouldn't notice the difference". You’d just probably be the closest thing they had to someone in that role.

It's hypothetical and a minor point not worth arguing about but you seem determined to find something to argue about in many of the responses you’ve got. Either there is some big reason you’re not telling us why you don’t want to at least be on reasonable terms with her, or you’re just being difficult for no good reason. In which case I foresee more problems in the future when there are weddings, graduations etc. to attend and your poor stepchildren will have the added worry of how you and their mother will get on as you won’t have ever met before.