I do not see the need to leap to her sudden demand to meet her

[VanillaPlanifolia]

I've been in my DSD's life for 7 years now. I offered before even meeting them to meet mum for a coffee. She just said "OK look forward to it" and then never arranged it. I didn't arrange it as it was for her really not me so as she didn't I assumed she wasn't that fussed if that makes sense. Anyway she's suddenly decided years later to ask if we could all go out and get to know each other. I've had my own child since then and don't want her to have anything to do with them really. I also can't see the point of meeting her now when it's been 7 years and the kids are nearly grown up they'll be leaving for uni in a few years so what's the point. Anyone else dealt with a sudden interest? I think it's because she's thinking of uni fees and is trying to butter me up personally in the hopes I'll help pay (fat chance).

I’d let your husband deal with it.

Seems to me the time has come and gone.

After 7 years and suddenly out of the blue I personally would think maybe she's seriously ill and wants to get to know you because you could essentially end up being the only mum your step children have.

I'm not their mum

@VanillaPlanifolia I know you're not but if she were to die you would be the nearest thing they do have.

Um.. no. Their dad would be.

@VanillaPlanifolia you don't like them do you?
Poor kids.
Maybe she is just after your money like you thought.

You have years of events to come. Make it easier for the children; meet up now even if it's later than you'd have liked.

If you invited me for a coffee and I agreed, I would expect you to follow up with a suggestion of when and where.

As the children grow up there will potentially be lots of occasions you meet: graduations, wedding, GC birthdays etc.

It makes sense to at least meet so you can say hi in passing at these events and not make them awkward.

You are also the mother of her children’s siblings and spend time with her children, so you are connected in a way.

I’m honestly baffled you’ve not met after all these years.

Yes I do I'm just not going to be able to replace their mum if she dies am I? It's pretty insulting to their mum to say I'd be some sort of mum figure to them.

Why would I suggest when or where? She's the one who wanted to meet me?

Yeah I think that ship has sailed tbh, I would just leave it to your husband.

I mean it's 7 years in - I'd be leaving it, just say you're busy. I'm not really sure why you'd need a relationship with her when it's been fine how it is all of this time.

I'm not sure it is suddenly a life or death thing, and if she were to have found out she was dying I'm sure her exH would be told before his current partner!

If she said OK, that would have been in response to you offering.

If you live with your partner your income is taken into account for university loans whether you like it or not.

Realistically, your paths are going to cross in the future at weddings and other events. Why wouldn’t you make an effort to get on civilly? It’s not like she wasn’t willing to meet before and has done a 180. Maybe she was waiting for you to be proactive and suggest a time and place in case your offer was meant in the same way people say “you must come to dinner some time…”.

What you wrote was “She just said "OK look forward to it" and then never arranged it. I didn't arrange it”. You asked if she’d like to meet up, she said yes and you chose not to do anything. That is what the PP was referring to: s/he was saying that if someone suggested meeting up and the response was a yes, the expectation would be that the person suggesting it would do something about it.

@VanillaPlanifolia ok.... apologies. I was a bit bitchy.
What I meant was if the situation is that she is ill and could potentially die the children would come to live with their dad - and you. You wouldn't be their mum. You'd never replace their mum. But you would be there in the same house doing the role of mum to your child so surely you would be helping to take care of them at the same time?
If (and of course it is a big "if") this is the situation she might want to know that her children are going to be loved, cared for and feel safe and secure with the step mother.
And that's why she wants to meet you.
This is no more a bizarre thought if "why does she want to meet" than your assumption she wants money.
Just meet her. Get the awkwardness out the way.

Maybe she has realised, as a PP said, that the children will have things in the future that necessitate you both being in the same room. And maybe she thinks it would be easier for them (and her) if you’d met beforehand.

I’m very glad my divorced parents never made a thing of this and happily see each other with their partners very frequently so they both get to be at the important things with their children and grandchildren and it’s not awkward as fuck.

I offered before even meeting them to meet mum for a coffee. She just said "OK look forward to it" and then never arranged it.

This would indicate you asked her for a coffee. The usual response to ‘ok, look forward to it’ would be to suggest a time and place.

That said, if your paths haven’t crossed in 7 years (which I find really surprising, btw), it’s unlikely to happen until one of the kids graduates or gets married. At which point, you can nod politely at each other. If you don’t fancy it, I wouldn’t bother meeting at this stage.

Not if OPs household isn't their main place of residence. It's got nothing to do with it.

So you asked her for a coffee, she said yes and then you never messaged her again? Do you know how social conventions work OP? Why ask her for a coffee if you weren't then going to arrange the coffee? Now you're assuming she must be after your money.

Then you refer to your darling step daughter (DSD) and then argue about being how you're not the closest thing to a mum (by being her step mum) if her actual mum died.

Are you this hard work in real life?

No it's not as their mum is the RP so what are you on about

You sound v childish. You suggested it when you thought it might suit you presumably because the relationship was new and you were trying to show willing. Now you have your own child you can't be bothered. You probably will meet on the future. If something did happen to her your home would become your step children's home. Why be an arse?

Ah right I see sorry too. I took you a bit too literally I think. I would hope she'd tell DH first if she's dying before suggesting food out but you never know.