I do not see the need to leap to her sudden demand to meet her

[VanillaPlanifolia]

I've been in my DSD's life for 7 years now. I offered before even meeting them to meet mum for a coffee. She just said "OK look forward to it" and then never arranged it. I didn't arrange it as it was for her really not me so as she didn't I assumed she wasn't that fussed if that makes sense. Anyway she's suddenly decided years later to ask if we could all go out and get to know each other. I've had my own child since then and don't want her to have anything to do with them really. I also can't see the point of meeting her now when it's been 7 years and the kids are nearly grown up they'll be leaving for uni in a few years so what's the point. Anyone else dealt with a sudden interest? I think it's because she's thinking of uni fees and is trying to butter me up personally in the hopes I'll help pay (fat chance).

@VanillaPlanifolia you’ll have the usual bitter ex wives condemning you but I agree there’s no need now to meet her. Your involuntary involvement with her children is almost at an end and if they choose to continue their relationship with you once they’ve flown the nest a) shows you’ve done a good job as a StM which is not easy and b) absolutely nothing to do with her.

No. I suggested it because I thought some mums like to meet the new partner before the kids do. It's not now I have my own child I can't be bothered it's more.. it's been years so why bother. My own child is only relevant as there's not really any need for her to meet my child is there. If something did happen of course this house would become their home. They know they're always welcome here. We've made that clear. If they want to move here, fine. I'm not being an arse I'm just not going to fawn over her.

I would meet, even if it’s just to find out what she wants.

She probably didn’t want to meet at first because she didn’t think it would last.

I don’t know why she wants to meet now and I’m sure there’s a reason but this woman is going to be in your life for the foreseeable and so no harm will come from meeting and having a civil relationship.

Exactamondo! In a few years it will be up to the step kids if they want to see me or not. And I'll be there if they do. Love them to bits.

How long ago did you have your child?

Could this be why she’s interested all of a sudden because she realises you’re in it for the long haul (although I’d assume she guessed that when you were pregnant).

It must be exhausting to carry around all that hate.

She isn't going to be in my life for the foreseeable though. She's not in my life now really. No more than the postman.

Can you ask why she wants to suddenly meet now? If it makes DH and the SDC's happy I would be inclined to meet her - maybe she's planning ahead for when they get to an age where there will likely be big birthdays / engagement parties etc?

I agree. It’s such a shame to see it so predictably directed towards stepmothers. Sad times, hey?

Of course you should meet your child’s half sisters mother. You have a blended family. You will be in each others lives for the rest of your life. Decades.

This.
Presumably you’ll be in their lives for a long while?
What do you imagine will happen at graduations / celebrations etc?

Good come back 👍

Is that a joke? My child's half sister's mother? She is nothing to my child.

@VanillaPlanifolia that's the thing - there are so many potential reasons.
Money (as you suggested), illness (as I suggested). One of the children could be going through some issues and their mum wants help, advice, a second opinion etc and their dad either isn't helping or the child has said "don't tell Dad" (as teens do).
Maybe one of the kids has just made a throwaway comment about how you and their mum have never met and she's thinking "we really should have met".

Fair point. I'll probably see if my mum can watch my daughter while I go out though. Just in case it gets heated.

Thanks 😘

No need to, that ship has sailed.
You haven't needed to for 7 years so no need now.

I guess if the child is getting older(you mentioned Uni fees) it is due to her wanting to get the awkward first meeting out of the way before all the events where you might meet like proms, graduations, weddings etc, All of these events will be much more pleasant for everyone if it’s not awkward.

Why on earth would you think it would get heated?

How have things been over the last 7 years? Reasonably amicable or have there been difficulties? Like others have said, she's maybe realised that the kids are at an age where they may have events etc that they'd want both sets of parents at so wanted to meet to avoid any potential awkwardness in future.

My DH has kids to 2 women. One I've never met as DSS was 13 when I met DH so always just made arrangements himself. She was asked if she wanted to meet me but didn't think it was necessary. She's never caused us any any problems and from what I've heard she sounds nice. If she suddenly reached out and asked to meet me I would probably be wondering why now but would be open to it.

The other ex I wish I hadn't met. Horrible woman who has caused us no end of problems over the years. I've of course met her but never gone for a coffee or anything or had a proper chat. If she suddenly asked I would probably laugh and wonder what twisted game she was playing.

Well yes but if she cared about that she'd have met up with me well before now. I won't find it awkward I'm used to meeting all sorts of people. It might get heated if it is about money as she's always asking DH about my job

Fuck that, in that case definitely don't give her the opportunity to be at you about getting money out of you.
Why even risk putting yourself in that situation.
If she's that brazen she can always ask / go through your DH.

She's mostly 1 but 2 occasionally (usually late night at weekends and she does make random claims on my wages)

Personally, if my DD's step mum offered to meet me for coffee and I accepted, I would expect her to suggest some dates. Just like the normal toing and froing of a conversation - 'would you like to go for coffee?', 'yes I look forward to it', 'how about [insert dates]'.

It's what my DDs step mum did after I accepted her offer of meeting.

I'm a mum whose children have a step mum and am also step mum to my DP's two children.

@harriethoyle Not all ex wives are bitter. I'm personally very happy that my ExH's OW has turned out to be a much better parent than he is and I truly value her role as step mother. She also took a complete a-hole off my hands. 😂

Yeah maybe ill just send him along

Oops sorry meant to reply to you. Might be best if I just send him along