I do not see the need to leap to her sudden demand to meet her

[VanillaPlanifolia]

I've been in my DSD's life for 7 years now. I offered before even meeting them to meet mum for a coffee. She just said "OK look forward to it" and then never arranged it. I didn't arrange it as it was for her really not me so as she didn't I assumed she wasn't that fussed if that makes sense. Anyway she's suddenly decided years later to ask if we could all go out and get to know each other. I've had my own child since then and don't want her to have anything to do with them really. I also can't see the point of meeting her now when it's been 7 years and the kids are nearly grown up they'll be leaving for uni in a few years so what's the point. Anyone else dealt with a sudden interest? I think it's because she's thinking of uni fees and is trying to butter me up personally in the hopes I'll help pay (fat chance).

Sorry OP to keep interjecting but WTF ? at this:
"she does make random claims on my wages)"
This is a woman that you're better keeping well away from.

@VanillaPlanifolia surely the obvious solution of meeting up is it's you, her and your husband. The three of you.
He can be referee if needed.

They aren’t @MozartsMothballs and I entirely accept that. It’s just the same usual suspects who seem to hang around the step parenting board looking for an excuse to berate or shame. You can literally predict the recurring user names. It’s tedious. Am quite sure you aren’t one of them though!

Yes their dad would be their dad but surely you would step up (thinking worst scenario) and be a motherly figure to kids that possibly & heartbreakingly lost their mum?

she does make random claims on my wages

I’ve had years of this too. I have no contact now, she’s DH’s issue to deal with, not mine. She always hoped that making it awkward (don’t you want to support DSC?) would shame me into providing for them, where she couldn’t.

Just say you’re busy but DH is the one to talk to if she wants to discuss anything.

Eh what? What the hell have your wages got to do with her? I hope your OH has told her where to go. Given this information I would knock back her offer. She's obviously just trying to be nosy and for whatever reason seems to think your finances are her business.

My DH is currently in court with his ex over money she thinks she's due. They were never married and custody is 50:50 so she's due absolutely nothing. They've been split 4.5 years and this court case has been dragging on for forever but hey ho. In one of her latest updates from her solicitor she asked for information on where I got the deposit for my house. Why she thinks this has anything to do with her is beyond me and my DHs solicitor. I think some people are just control freaks and think they're entitled to this sort of information just because the person is involved with their kid.

You say step daughter. You say uni in a few years.

So between her, you and your partner you’re parenting a teenage girl.

Theyre a notoriously tricky species, and it helps to have vaguely consistent messaging between parent figures. My money would be on some kind of alignment / comparison on the sex / alcohol / drugs / female health lines.

Which yes she can absolutely also talk to your partner about, but for many there’s a different male / female role in these topics.

It is strange after all this time, but it was up to you tobarrange the coffee as you suggested it. The only weird person in that part of the story is you, OP.

If you’re talking about me. I wasn’t berating or shaming anyone. I said I thought it would be worthwhile meeting up. OP is here asking for people’s opinions on whether to meet up.

I'm guessing that if you have been in her life for 7 years and she is now getting ready to go to uni she was around 11 when you first met.

At 18 she is probably only just becoming emotionally ready for you to meet her mum.

Just meet - you dont have to take your own daughter. She can stay separate. Your SD is reaching out to you both she is now emotionally mature enough to combine the two parts of her life.

I've just noticed you said uni in a few years which means she is probably younger than 18.

Go with the flow - she is obviously now mature enough to realise that a relationship between you and her mum is a good thing. Children dont think like adults - she will have all thoughts going through her head as to why the two of you shouldnt meet or have any sort of relationship

That ship has sailed. I’ve been in the same situation and would say no after 7 years too. What’s the point? I agree that she may have an ulterior motive like sweetening you up for uni top ups. If she has a message then she should send it in an email.

You literally said 'I offered before even meeting them to meet mum for a coffee. She just said "OK look forward to it"

Like a few others, I'd want to get the awkward first meeting over with, rather than having to do it at some important family event.

Ahh okay. Wasn't aware of that.

No matter how she became my children's step mum, I think she's amazing, she doesn't have kids but she treats mine as her own and I love her for that. We're more often on the same page parenting wise than me and my ExH and I know she always has my children's best interests at heart.

You both care about the same child. I'd go along and give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm amazed you haven't met before.

OMG @CremeEggThief you're still on here! Have sent you a DM.

I agree. There will always be events etc. Seems a bit petty

Yeah as in if she wanted to. I didn't care either way.

No I wouldn't. I'd be their stepmum figure. Just as I am now. They won't want me to start trying to replace their mum. That's not how it works. You don't go oh mum's dead my step mum will fill that role for me now. I'm not a back up mum. I'd be devastated if I lost my mum and someone else started trying to muscle in where she should be.

He probably more nervous about being sat in the same room as her than me. She's literally no one to me so it's just like when I meet anyone else. Same as when we go to any of these not yet existent joint events weddings, graduations etc, I don't get why people are saying it will be easier to meet first. I meet loads of people at weddings!

My point is about ease for the kids, not you. My stbxh was always worried about having his parents and their partners in the same space and it never bothers me having mine. I definitely had an easier life because of it and I want that for my kids. His parents were awkward and it caused him stress, including making him very worried about our wedding. They were always well behaved but it was awkward and made him incredibly stressed.

The kids have met all of us though? I'm perfectly capable of being a normal civilised person. If she's not that's her ruining it for her kids. I don't get it. No one wants to ruin anything for the kids so why would it be awkward. None of us want to shag the other ones partner.

I wouldn't meet her. I assume she's got a reason behind this. I'd reply with that sounds nice, but I'm really busy so I won't have time, sorry.

@VanillaPlanifolia

I'm not their mum

Fucking hell that was cold. You're a step mother ffs. If you didn't like it, you shouldn't have done it!