I do not see the need to leap to her sudden demand to meet her

[VanillaPlanifolia]

I've been in my DSD's life for 7 years now. I offered before even meeting them to meet mum for a coffee. She just said "OK look forward to it" and then never arranged it. I didn't arrange it as it was for her really not me so as she didn't I assumed she wasn't that fussed if that makes sense. Anyway she's suddenly decided years later to ask if we could all go out and get to know each other. I've had my own child since then and don't want her to have anything to do with them really. I also can't see the point of meeting her now when it's been 7 years and the kids are nearly grown up they'll be leaving for uni in a few years so what's the point. Anyone else dealt with a sudden interest? I think it's because she's thinking of uni fees and is trying to butter me up personally in the hopes I'll help pay (fat chance).

OP -your aggression is just misplaced.
You invited her out for a coffee and then never followed up -how is that her fault?

You seem unnecessarily hostile because she has mentioned it now but it was ok for you to. Who knows what prompted it but seiouly you are not coming across a nice person

@VanillaPlanifolia You've got a LOT of growing up to do, you sound incredibly young and sulky. Wow

No you don’t need to meet her. It’s over 6 years too late!

Id just reply saying that ship sailed years ago and I’m happy with the current set up. Like you say she’s probably trying to become ‘pals’ now so she can ask about your job and about money.

I wouldn’t even give her the time of day.

What’s baffling about it? Myself and my husband haven’t even laid eyes on his daughter’s mum in over 10 years. She used to hide around the back of the door and then as dsd got older she just used to send her down the flats stairs she lives in before he could even open the main door 😂😂

@VegTrug are you unaware that a step mum and a mum are two different things?!

She’s not their mum! It’s just the truth. It’s not cold.

I would do it if DSD wanted it

That's not funny. It's incredibly sad for the child involved.

But you know that’s not normal. That’s why it’s funny.

What are you supposed to do if someone won’t come out from behind a door and talk face to face 🤷🏼‍♀️ it’s a sad life her mums creating for her own child then.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall for this meeting. 🤣

But seriously, I don’t think I’d go either OP. Let her and DH chat if something about the kids needs to be sorted.

What does Dh think about why she wants to meet ?

@VanillaPlanifolia ignore the bitter response. Can totally see where you are coming from and with the added interest in your job/income I too would be hesitant as to why she’s interested in meeting now.

if you meet and she brings up finances I’d stop her dead in her tracks and say the meeting isn’t about any financial discussions and it’s better that such things are put in writing so there is no misunderstanding at a later date.

Fellow SM here who went through the meet up. I can offer the practical upside, emotionally I wouldn’t blame you for declining because it’s not the most fun way to spend an hour 🤣

I’d say the benefits outweighed the stress, mainly for DSC who found it really reassuring in terms of adults around them all appearing to be getting along (mine were 9&11 at time).

It also meant when we did bump into each other at events like school concerts or suchlike that we weren’t meeting for the first time.

Equally, it’s good to know you can be in the same room for the life events that will require contact like graduations/weddings etc as these won’t end at 18.

And lastly, if you care (I didn’t but listing anyway) it meant you couldn’t be labelled as “avoiding” her.

That’s my two pence!

If it’s been 7 years, you already are.

She’s saying that she doesn’t consider herself mum (she is stepmum) so isn’t trampling on any boundaries that might lead to mum wanting a word.

In families where stepmum acts as mum, it’s often because dad isn’t pulling his parenting weight so stepmum has to step in so that child isn’t neglected.

In most families, a female living in the family home for 7years would be a motherly figure. I can see why the other poster says you don’t like these kids. It’s a strange thing for you to say.

You said she asked to get together to get to know each other... while my response (to myself) would be "because why?" I'd probably respond with something more aligned with if this was someone that I'd met and who wanted to try and be friends, some kindness.

I'd meet her for a coffee if just to figure out what she wants and then I'd use any of the phrases for "thanks but no thanks" to friendships that I found online, or my personal favourite "I appreciate you reaching out but my personal calendar is pretty full right now, and (husband) will keep me updated on the kids. Is there something specific you wanted to discuss?"

You don't know whether someone told her it's weird you don't know each other and she doesn't want to meet either. It could also be about money or many other number of reasons so my curiosity would probably mean I meet up with her.

She is the mother of your child’s sister. So whilst you may have no relationship to her, your child’s sister does. I find it incredibly weird that you’re so dismissive of this connection between your child, their siblings and parent.
As my DD1 was growing up, I managed to have very minimal contact with her DF as all arrangements were made through his sister. It’s been 35 years since I left him. Once my DD started Uni, we did have to meet up for things like her graduation but at this point he was single, so no step mum involved. He remarried when she finished Uni and contact ceased. However, once my DD started a relationship with her now husband, we bumped into each other occasionally. Then as DDs wedding approached, there were times when his DW and I would meet - hen party etc. Now grandchildren are on the scene, I see his DW almost every week! She is also considered as grandma to my grandchildren, looks after them much more than I do and we get on very well. My DD benefits from me and her step mum having a friendly relationship - there’s no strain or awkwardness there at all because we made the effort to be friendly in the early days.
If, as the stepmum, you’re dismissing the relationship between your child and their siblings, you’re automatically creating awkwardness unnecessarily. You say you care for them, but it really doesn’t sound like it. It actually sounds like you couldn’t care less about them.

This exact situation happened to me too. I entered my DSS life at 6. He's now 13. At the start, his mother wasn't interested in me at all, nor me her. Everything was done through my DH and still is. Maybe she thought we wouldn't last. I'm Asian and my husband is white and a lot of people thought this at the time we got together that we weren't compatible because my family are muslim and his are British.
Anyway, since DSS has gone to high school he has struggled to settle and got into trouble a lot. She wanted a meeting to see how we could support him as a unit and I was very surprised when my DH said she wanted me there too considering we've never really spoken.
Anyway, I went for DSS and it was fine. She was nice and we all came up with strategies we could use to support DSS.
I wasn't sure of her motives either but she's just a mum who loves her son and was worried about him. She said she only really had us to talk to who were in the same boat.
I didn't really want to go and meet with her, but I'm glad I did, we parted on good terms and I'm not so nervous about the big events now (graduation, wedding etc) like I used to be.
You won't know her motives unless you go and see for yourself.

Either way your partner has a responsibility to all his children. If it is about Uni fees still has nothing to do with you, so would she need to butter you up?

Who said about replacing their mum if she died? The poster said you would be the only mother figure they would know. A decent person would be a mother figure to their step kids of their mum died. You don’t sound like a decent person. You shouldn’t have married a man with kids by the sounds of it!

She is the mother of your child’s sister.

This isn’t a thing.

Agreed. I had some sympathy when I read your first post. But in fact you sound awful. She will dodge a bullet by not meeting you Imho.

How on earth is it cold??

It's fact.

No one can replace someone's mum. No one. Kids up and down the country loose their mum's tragically young. There's no point someone else thinking they'll ever measure up as they won't.

DSD doesn't even know about the suggestion. But yeah good point. I think DH should just go and meet her first tbh. They can repair their relationship before I have to get involved