My children aren’t happy - where do we stand

[MummyNeedsVino]

Hi,
This is my first post and I really need some advice. Just a bit of back story. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We have two children together and we both have one child each from previous relationships. His ex wife made his life hell after having an affair and moving away with their son when he was 6 months old. My husband did everything to maintain contact and she eventually breached a court order (twice) and stopped him seeing his son for almost 4 years.
During that time, our children also didn’t see their half brother - there was no contact whatsoever.
Recently contact has started again with no transitional period for anyone but it is very strained. The children me and my husband have together have said that they don’t want their half brother to come here - he’s been rather unkind to them during contact weekends. His behaviour at home hasn’t been good either.
We had what I thought was an adult discussion about having to change how contact goes because the children aren’t happy. We all agreed on a plan. But now his ex wife is back to her usual demanding self and forcing the issue with their son coming to stay here even though our children really aren’t happy. She is an absolute nightmare to deal with - narcissistic and a bully!!
What I want to know, is whether the feelings of the children that live with us were will be taken into account if we end up having to go back to court?! She seems to think they don’t matter and it’s all about her son and what he wants.
Thank you in advance. My mood is being effected massively by the stress of this whole situation.

I know, it's just unbelievable, isn't it?

OP’s not coming back, is she?

Where are you op??

Of course not.

Yet another step parent who wants to pretend the first child doesn't exist.

Doesn't want people pointing out that they're actually real people.

I guess your husband needs to come up with a plan for alternative accommodation for him and his son for the days he has him. He needs to work on their relationship that is probably why your son acts the way he does =he is hurt! I’m not sure you all get to say no we don’t want him here. He is a child.

Is this a reverse? Either way dad needs to step up

So, to put this in context OP, your DSS is being told by his mother that he must spend more time at his father's home, and is being told by your husband that he is not welcome.

So where is this child supposed to be? It sounds like nobody really wants to spend time with him. And you question why he is angry?

How old is your DSS? You mention that you have been with your DH for 10 years, so your DSS must be older than this. 12? 14? 16?

In any case, I do know how hard it is to live with disregulated and even violent children, but it does sound like you need to think a little more about the impact of current arrangements on your DSS and not only your other children. I understand that having him in your home is disruptive, but is this currently planned for every weekend? Every other weekend? One weekend a month?

Yet another story of a man happily trotting off to create more children in a new relationship then sitting back when his previous responsibilities become a problem and letting his new wife worry about it.

If i had a child i was forbidden to see, who was being raised by a bully and narcissist, ALL my energies would be going into resolving that. Id have no head space for starting another family. Your H felt differently, and now here you all are.

There is no easy solution to this because its simply not possible to do right by all the children in this scenario. It's no more right for your children to be subject to their half siblings behaviour than it is to ban a child who's had an awful upbringing from his father's home. So your H has a tough decision to make.

Not that I imagine it will be that tough, as its pretty obvious he's going to stop his oldest child visiting, so your DC will be ok.

This

Well said @Mrssmith3

Was the affair that ended your husbands previous marriage with you? In which case I can sympathise with the wife and child left behind. This might explain their behaviour to you and your children

Of course it's obvious from the woman's disposition that she will object to her child being corrected, disciplined or punished. He should remain with his mother if he refuses to honour the rules of their home.

I read it as the first wife having the affair, not the DH.

I think you are right. All sounds Too much for everyone. .
Dh could meet his son alone for time to get to know each other again . You can’t throw everyone together just like that.

I do think the reasons the child wasn’t around for 4 years matters though.

This situation - evidently horrible all round for all children involved - has been directly caused by lack of contact/ interaction between the siblings and their father - and you/your husband think the answer to that is MORE absent interaction? OP, are you quite well?

In a team of 2, the worst parent is the one who sits back and does fuck all whilst berating the parent who is actually doing something for doing it wrong.

This is sadly true.

Rubbish.

He should be parented by his father while in his father's home.

A child being unkind to his siblings is a completely normal part of growing up.

The OP's children are no more important than this child.

A rescue dog would be given more support to transition & settle into a new situation than it appears this child has been offered. I sincerely hope when he becomes an adult he can find it within himself to forgive the behaviour of the adults in his life while he was growing up.

This.

He has at least three parents and not one is worthwhile.

This in spades. Poor kid.

Hope daddy of the year ties a knot in it.

Were you hoping you could just repackage his original Chucky doll and send it back to the toy store?

Some people shouldn't be allowed to breed.

Why can't he ensure he spends quality time outside the home away from the other spawn if it's so upsetting for them. Imagine he won't.

I had a bit of sympathy for your situation until you said none of you want the child here. A stray dog or cat would get better treatment. Your attitude needs to change. You haven't been back to answer one question put to you. How old are the children?

Instead of criticising the child’s mother who has raised him perhaps you should take a look at your husband who has clearly abandoned his first child. And you as a Step Mother who treats his first child as an outsider, wants to pretend they don’t exist and now wants to push them out of the home. How about considering how you and your husband have made this child feel?

The poor child is four years old. His behaviour is as a result of crap parenting, by at least his father who hasn’t bothered making an effort for 4 years. I know you say the mother is narcissistic, etc etc, but where have you got that information from? Assume your dh. And don’t they all rant about the crazy ex to their gullible new partner.