My children aren’t happy - where do we stand

[MummyNeedsVino]

Hi,
This is my first post and I really need some advice. Just a bit of back story. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We have two children together and we both have one child each from previous relationships. His ex wife made his life hell after having an affair and moving away with their son when he was 6 months old. My husband did everything to maintain contact and she eventually breached a court order (twice) and stopped him seeing his son for almost 4 years.
During that time, our children also didn’t see their half brother - there was no contact whatsoever.
Recently contact has started again with no transitional period for anyone but it is very strained. The children me and my husband have together have said that they don’t want their half brother to come here - he’s been rather unkind to them during contact weekends. His behaviour at home hasn’t been good either.
We had what I thought was an adult discussion about having to change how contact goes because the children aren’t happy. We all agreed on a plan. But now his ex wife is back to her usual demanding self and forcing the issue with their son coming to stay here even though our children really aren’t happy. She is an absolute nightmare to deal with - narcissistic and a bully!!
What I want to know, is whether the feelings of the children that live with us were will be taken into account if we end up having to go back to court?! She seems to think they don’t matter and it’s all about her son and what he wants.
Thank you in advance. My mood is being effected massively by the stress of this whole situation.

Let me get this straight.

When you met your DH 10 years ago, he had a child who he didn't see very much because the child and mum had moved away. At some point during the ten years the two of you had children, and your DH lost contact with his child for 4 years. Now this child - who is at least 10 and hasn't seen his own dad and step siblings since he was at least 6 - is back in his life.

And you are trying to stop this poor child coming to visit his dad in his dad's house because your own children, who can't be older than 9, have said that he's been "rather unkind" to them at the weekend??

OP, give your head a massive wobble. You are the adult here. Your children do not get to decide which of their siblings is permitted into the family home. It is your step son's family too, do you understand that? Your only job is to teach your children that family is for life and that they are extremely fortunate to not have to split their time between parents the way the step son does. When I was 9 I would have happily banned by sister from the house, doesn't mean I had any right to, and neither do your children.

The person that pisses me off the most is your DH. For six our of the ten years he did have access to his own son, but didn't move to be closer and now is trying to ban him from the house because his shiny new family doesn't like him.

Everyday on this website is another harsh lesson in how some kids get treated.

How old are the children involved ? Honestly I think you have to find a way to make it work , people manage when they have siblings that don’t get on and they have to put up with each other full time , it’s not pleasant but that’s life .

@EG94 my impression of the stepparenting board is rather different. There's a tendency on there for stepmothers to lose their shit when anyone answers in a way that centres children's interests - any children - over their own jealousy and self-importance. Unfortunately, MN being full of parents, this happens quite frequently. This thread is pretty typical - right down to you making up stories about what posters have said and getting indignant about something that never happened.

What am I reading???? His poor son who didn't see his dad for a number of years is now being told he can't come and stay with his dad? The poor kid. No wonder, between his mum and dad's treatment of him, that he's acting out.

She breached a court order which suggests he did 🙄

You need to try harder to integrate the son back into your family, unless he’s doing weird, illegal things. He’s a boy who has been let down by his all his responsible adults. That’s what you get - someone with issues that they will need help with.

Jesus op. Have some empathy. Just THINK. Think from his pov.

Here is a 10 year old boy who has been abandoned by his father since he was 6. (And remember since you're trying to think from his pov, that is what happened, whether it's true or not). And he goes to his fathers house to be met by siblings who live with HIS dad, whilst he does not.

How do you think that felt for him? For fucks sake. This makes me so cross. OF COURSE he was unkind to his siblings. What child wouldn't have been. I can assure you yours would have been the same. Have some fucking empathy.

Did you sit down with your children prior to his visit and maybe explain to them that their brother would need space with their dad and they should back off? Did you explain that this child has a rough ride and should be treated with absolute kindness?

And your emotive language. 'Forcing' 'demanding' . what? That a father see his child in his own home? How very dare she.

I agree with this advice for family therapy you all need support.
Of course the big boy will have strong feelings about dad abandoning him
(In his eyes) but being a dad to the other kids.
It's very important for siblings to have a relationship with each other.

The ex had an affair when her son was under 6 months old? Wow I could barely manage to find time to wash my hair with a newborn let alone have an affair.

But the siblings also need to be supported to develop their relationship

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
Yes but that can only happen after some family therapy, or therapy for DH's child.
No relationship is going to develop while one child is bullying the others, it'll just give the latter more reasons to detest him /her.

How old are they all? Tbh I think this is really sad. Dad disappeared from his life for four years. Clearly didn’t try to go through court for access. Finally the son gets contact and he’s expected to slot in to a family he doesn’t know properly? He needs so much love and support here, not rejection.

It can be easy to hate children that are not your own (sadly) and become v intolerant.

Seems like this young man has came in and rocked the boat.

He should feel as valued by your dh as the other kids.

The court can’t do anything in this scenario though.

What is it he is doing that is so bad?

Mostly though you should be encouraging his siblings to accept him

@MummyNeedsVino OP has gone awol since 6.35pm!!! does anyone know the ages of all kids involved??

I’m not sure if you intend it, but your post comes across without one ounce of empathy for this poor kid (your stepson) who’s clearly had a lot to deal with in his short life so far.

As someone else said, more info is needed such as their ages and examples of this behaviour you don’t like. For all we know, it’s been minor bad behaviour (understandable as there was no transition period for anyone, you say) and you’re just pandering to your own children.

I’d think very carefully about shunning this kid and making him feel like he has even less of a place in this world.

Oh that poor boy.

4 years ago was 2020 so I can see why some of that time was out of your h’s control.

If the ex is as nasty as you say, of course his son is going to be behaving badly. Also I think that you need to explain unkind because it sounds like your children are being very unreasonable if the behaviour was that level rather than you being polite about terrible behaviour.

Behaviour is communication and your h needs to work on things with his son rather than abandon him. Were you really expecting his son to quietly a lot into your h’s new life with you? That’s wildly naive and the reason why others will be telling you off for taking things slowly. It’s time for everyone to show some compassion for what this child has had to endure. Remember why you fought for contact and stick to it. The child needs dad to work on things rather than give up in favour of his new family.

If the DSS is bullying or violent towards the younger siblings then I can understand you not wanting him there. Your DH is going to have to parent his son and prevent the poor behaviour.

Very clear-sighted post.

Legally if she is resident parent she cannot force contact. Your husband could just refuse. A court order will be against his ex she has to make the child available but he doesn't have to have that contact.

But as others have said try to see this from step son point of view. He's a child with a difficult mother and a strained relationship with his father. A father who from the child point of view moved on and had replacement children. Plus whatever poison his mum is pouring in his ears. If you curtail contact you will be doing irrevocable damage to yours and husbands relationship with him

🤣

You and your husband want to take his ex to court in order to see his child less?

Has your dh considered / arranged any therapy for this child to unpick his behaviours?