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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My children aren’t happy - where do we stand

128 replies

MummyNeedsVino · 29/10/2024 18:35

Hi,
This is my first post and I really need some advice. Just a bit of back story. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We have two children together and we both have one child each from previous relationships. His ex wife made his life hell after having an affair and moving away with their son when he was 6 months old. My husband did everything to maintain contact and she eventually breached a court order (twice) and stopped him seeing his son for almost 4 years.
During that time, our children also didn’t see their half brother - there was no contact whatsoever.
Recently contact has started again with no transitional period for anyone but it is very strained. The children me and my husband have together have said that they don’t want their half brother to come here - he’s been rather unkind to them during contact weekends. His behaviour at home hasn’t been good either.
We had what I thought was an adult discussion about having to change how contact goes because the children aren’t happy. We all agreed on a plan. But now his ex wife is back to her usual demanding self and forcing the issue with their son coming to stay here even though our children really aren’t happy. She is an absolute nightmare to deal with - narcissistic and a bully!!
What I want to know, is whether the feelings of the children that live with us were will be taken into account if we end up having to go back to court?! She seems to think they don’t matter and it’s all about her son and what he wants.
Thank you in advance. My mood is being effected massively by the stress of this whole situation.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/10/2024 00:41

Livelovebehappy · 30/10/2024 00:39

The poor child is four years old. His behaviour is as a result of crap parenting, by at least his father who hasn’t bothered making an effort for 4 years. I know you say the mother is narcissistic, etc etc, but where have you got that information from? Assume your dh. And don’t they all rant about the crazy ex to their gullible new partner.

Show quote history

He's 11, not 4.

Mumandcarer80 · 30/10/2024 00:43

No mention of your husband son spending one to one time with his son he's had no contact with for years. He's obviously going to be resentful of your children living with his dad.

Aliciainwunderland · 30/10/2024 01:01

Toffeelover · 29/10/2024 23:11

Was the affair that ended your husbands previous marriage with you? In which case I can sympathise with the wife and child left behind. This might explain their behaviour to you and your children

I think she had the affair

blindasaba51981 · 30/10/2024 01:36

'The poor child is four years old. His behaviour is as a result of crap parenting, by at least his father who hasn’t bothered making an effort for 4 years. I know you say the mother is narcissistic, etc etc, but where have you got that information from? Assume your dh. And don’t they all rant about the crazy ex to their gullible new girlfriend'

Read OP's post properly. The son is at least 11, op has been with her husband 10 years

PodgePie · 30/10/2024 02:09

Wait, so in those four years you met him & had two children?

That all sounds rather rapid. No wonder his son is a little bamboozled. Perhaps you should consider how he feels & give him more of a chance. And he’s only 10? Still a young child who needs nurturing - if you can’t be arsed that’s one thing but maybe your DH should parent properly & stand up to you & ensure his son his loved.

LeafcutterAnt · 30/10/2024 02:52

She is an absolute nightmare to deal with - narcissistic and a bully!!
Poor kid having to grow up with a mum like that.

catin8oots · 30/10/2024 03:07

What have I just read?

Another mess of a 'blended family' with the DH's first child treated like an outsider.

Selfish fucking parents. Poor kid.

marmamumma · 30/10/2024 03:10

Op appears to have bailed ( understandably) I was trying to get the kids ages sorted as didn't make sense. Best wishes for your family OP.

Emeraldiisland · 30/10/2024 03:50

arethereanyleftatall · 29/10/2024 21:55

Jesus op. Have some empathy. Just THINK. Think from his pov.

Here is a 10 year old boy who has been abandoned by his father since he was 6. (And remember since you're trying to think from his pov, that is what happened, whether it's true or not). And he goes to his fathers house to be met by siblings who live with HIS dad, whilst he does not.

How do you think that felt for him? For fucks sake. This makes me so cross. OF COURSE he was unkind to his siblings. What child wouldn't have been. I can assure you yours would have been the same. Have some fucking empathy.

Did you sit down with your children prior to his visit and maybe explain to them that their brother would need space with their dad and they should back off? Did you explain that this child has a rough ride and should be treated with absolute kindness?

Yes, tell your children their brother can be as unkind as he wants but they must treat him with total kindness. Obviously don't tell them that.
Does your husband take his DS out for 1:1 time? Surely doing things that focus purely on his DS for a few hours would help rebuild the relationship and would relieve the pressure between the kids (as they're not being forced to spend hours together).
I understand that your DH didn't abandon his DS, like a lot of other posters are implying but whatever the reason 4 years is a long time. It's bound to take time to adjust for all of you but you can't see his son less.
Are you or DH supervising the kids closely? Do you see/ hear him being unkind or is that what your children say? Supervise more so any unkind behaviour can be nipped in the bud.
I'm sure there are times when your own children aren't kind to each other, how do you deal with that? I assume not by removing the child from the family.

User37482 · 30/10/2024 05:01

I would be really concerned about how my DH would behave towards our children in the event of a breakdown if he is happy to go to court to see his own child less.

I don’t get this, I’d be making sure my DH bloody well knows he has a duty to all his children. You could be on the sharp end of this one day, it could be you explaining to your child that their dad is actually going to court to see them less. Even if it’s difficult your Dh has a responsibility to manage this.

Daschund · 30/10/2024 05:07

This reply has been deleted

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Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2024 05:16

The poor lad is feeling all number of difficult feelings. It’s no wonder he’s not being nice to your dcs. His dad needs to build trust between them before integrating into your family.

Meadowfinch · 30/10/2024 05:43

SeulementUneFois · 29/10/2024 18:51

Empathise with you OP - you can't let your children be bullied (I'm inferring) in their only home.
Your DH needs to see his child at his parents / other relatives, or failing that an Airbnb. While you try to have family therapy to see if he can moderate his behaviour.

Or perhaps the dad needs to parent all his children. Spend time with all his children, at least try to help them integrate better.

Flextime · 30/10/2024 06:05

This is mumsnet so as a step parent you will need to put the 10 year old above all I’m afraid . Doesn’t matter if your current children are unhappy, they can suffer !
Okay , in the real world , your husband needs to block out the ex as much so ge can and forge a relationship with his son .Probaby the son has learnt the poor behaviour from the mum and he must be feeling bad / left out

lolstevelol · 30/10/2024 06:28

I feel sorry for your step-son full sympathy in this case is with him.

Flopsy145 · 30/10/2024 06:52

I think your dh first needs to establish regular contact with his son and develop his own relationship. His behaviour may be bad but I heard a quote once that said "when kids give you a hard time it's because they're going through a hard time," he's probably feeling abandoned and he's seeing his dad's 'new' happy family so he's probably acting out from a place of resentment and jealousy.
If he feels loved and wanted by his dad, and remember the mum may have been dripping anti dad chat in his ear so will take time, then he will hopefully start to feel more comfortable with his siblings. But look at it from his POV, new siblings who are all close to each other but not to him, a new step mum, a dad he doesn't really know, who knows what type of mum he's had all these years etc. Poor kid, but doesn't mean your children have to be made to feel unhappy at all, dh should prioritise getting to know him first and foremost and then gently introduce kids after that ideally in a neutral setting!

Autumnalsun · 30/10/2024 07:02

You either need to allow the child to stay/live with you and work through their problems, like you would do with your other kids.

Or DH moves out and has his child at his new place, so the other kids aren’t having to share their living space with him.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/10/2024 07:10

CwmYoy · 29/10/2024 22:13

If the DSS is bullying or violent towards the younger siblings then I can understand you not wanting him there. Your DH is going to have to parent his son and prevent the poor behaviour.

This is the crux of it. If an older child is bring unkind tk the younger siblings nipping that in the bud and discipline is the answer. I wonder whether DH is tiptoeing around the DSS because he has just "got him back" and therefore isn't reprimanding bad behaviour in the way he would were he living there full time.

This is what really needs to happen- a our house our rules and bad behaviour isn't tolerated by anyone. The Ex doesn't get a say or shouldn't in what rules apply at yours but any bullying of younger children shouldn't be tolerated. But not to the extent of refusing contact but just to discipline child in an appropriate way

Spirallingdownwards · 30/10/2024 07:12

What a ridiculous final sentence @Daschund MN is crackers sometimes

Startinganew32 · 30/10/2024 07:13

Toffeelover · 29/10/2024 23:11

Was the affair that ended your husbands previous marriage with you? In which case I can sympathise with the wife and child left behind. This might explain their behaviour to you and your children

What? The OP had an affair with her DH’s ex wife? The OP clearly said it was the wife who had the affair.

BAMCMC · 30/10/2024 07:19

No. He is your husbands son. Please treat him that way. What happens when your kids get in a squabble? Will you tell them they can't stay any more.

Also, why is he going to court now but didn't bother in the 4 years he couldn't see his son?

Wigglywoowho · 30/10/2024 07:22

The ex partner cant force your H to have contact at all. She certainly can't force overnight contact. However, I think while he has the opportunity he should want to build a relationship. Your step son is probably confused, suffering abandonment issues, is probably angry / resentful if his siblings because they have his dad full-time and consistently. I'm not sure of your financial situation however if possible Id suggest your husband builds a relationship with this child outside of the home. Maybe he could have contact at an air B&B. That way he could give his son 1:1 time and slowly support him to build a relationship with the siblings.

Gonk123 · 30/10/2024 07:24

I think you need to build things up by planning fun things, team building, one on one time. This is not going to fix itself. The most important thing is to put ALL children first. Yours will be jealous at attention being diluted but they will have to learn to suck it up a little. You can’t just cast aside a child because it is hard work.

Thursdaygirl · 30/10/2024 07:35

Sicario · 29/10/2024 19:10

The mother cannot force the father to have staying contact. In fact she cannot force any contact at all. It is the child's right to have contact with the parent, but again, the contact cannot be forced if the parent doesn't want to see the child.

This is for your DH to handle with his ex. She cannot force his hand. If your DH wants contact, then he can apply for a contact order. During ordered time, the mother has to make the child available. However, again, the contact and timetable cannot be enforced.

How old is his son?

This is very true and people often overlook this angle.

Startinganew32 · 30/10/2024 07:35

BAMCMC · 30/10/2024 07:19

No. He is your husbands son. Please treat him that way. What happens when your kids get in a squabble? Will you tell them they can't stay any more.

Also, why is he going to court now but didn't bother in the 4 years he couldn't see his son?

He did go to court. She breached the order. Have you been through family court? It’s not always the magic solution it’s painted to be. If the resident parent is intent on thwarting contact then often there is little to be done unless you have endless funds and don’t mind hurting the child caught in the middle of it all.