My children aren’t happy - where do we stand

[MummyNeedsVino]

Hi,
This is my first post and I really need some advice. Just a bit of back story. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We have two children together and we both have one child each from previous relationships. His ex wife made his life hell after having an affair and moving away with their son when he was 6 months old. My husband did everything to maintain contact and she eventually breached a court order (twice) and stopped him seeing his son for almost 4 years.
During that time, our children also didn’t see their half brother - there was no contact whatsoever.
Recently contact has started again with no transitional period for anyone but it is very strained. The children me and my husband have together have said that they don’t want their half brother to come here - he’s been rather unkind to them during contact weekends. His behaviour at home hasn’t been good either.
We had what I thought was an adult discussion about having to change how contact goes because the children aren’t happy. We all agreed on a plan. But now his ex wife is back to her usual demanding self and forcing the issue with their son coming to stay here even though our children really aren’t happy. She is an absolute nightmare to deal with - narcissistic and a bully!!
What I want to know, is whether the feelings of the children that live with us were will be taken into account if we end up having to go back to court?! She seems to think they don’t matter and it’s all about her son and what he wants.
Thank you in advance. My mood is being effected massively by the stress of this whole situation.

If he's willing to go to court now, why didn't he go for the 4 years he didn't see his child?

How old is his son? Has anybody considered his feelings? He'll be feeling abandoned 😔

I can't see any empathy here for the son who didn't see his father for four years, is parented by what you describe as a narcissist and a bully, and has now been forced back into a happy family that he's not really part of.

What behaviour were you expecting? How did you expect this period to go, and what has DH done/learned/prepared/researched to make it as easy for his son as possible? What did your DH do in the 4 year gap to facilitate contact? Why would you end up going back to court again? And no the feelings of your children shouldn't affect your DH first child being able to have a relationship with his father.

What plan did you agree on?

Your DH is now going to court to try NOT to have his son at yours? Or have I misunderstood?

I would try and encourage your DH to try and address things with his son.

How old is he?

Of course he is angry, jealous and resentful. He sees his Dad playing Happy Famiies with children he had while as far as he can see, his Dad was not seeing him.

This is your children's sibling not some random child being foisted upon them. You/they don't get to opt out, he is a minor child and he is a member of your family. Adults need to adult here.

The children me and my husband have together have said that they don’t want their half brother to come here - he’s been rather unkind to them during contact weekends.

So the next time one of your kids is rather unkind to the other, you'll be putting them into care?

Or you'll be parenting them and teaching them they need to be kinder?

Why on earth did he just crawl away and not see his own child for four years? No wonder the poor kid is angry.

No, I don't think your children's reluctance is anywhere near a good enough reason not to include their sibling in the family and try to repair some of the damage. Maybe consider family therapy if everyone is struggling, but continuing to pretend one of the children doesn't exist isn't the way forward.

Do you mean that your husband is now looking to go to court to reduce the amount of days / not allow his first child to stay at your house.
I'm not surprised the child is being unpleasant in his mother's house and now his dad's, when he wasn't allowed to see his Dad for 4 years.
If his Dad now refuses to have him stay in his Dad's house as his siblings don't want him there, I can't imagine how unwanted the poor child will feel.
His dad needs to parent him and set boundaries for his behaviour in your home.
If your 1st child was behaving badly and any treating their half siblings unkind, would you look to remove them from your house?

Empathise with you OP - you can't let your children be bullied (I'm inferring) in their only home.
Your DH needs to see his child at his parents / other relatives, or failing that an Airbnb. While you try to have family therapy to see if he can moderate his behaviour.

Has your husband considered actually helping his son? Helping him by getting counselling going to family counselling with him, trying to help him places his feeling. Helping him adjust to this absolute chaos in his life. Four years of not seeing his father and then suddenly being trusted into a happy nuclear family that he is not a part of, it couldn’t be more hurtful to be honest. And that’s not me saying you have done anything wrong and neither has your husband (although he could’ve fought harder to see him in that four years) and I find it interesting that he’s willing to fight this fight but not the face to see him for the four years that he wasn’t allowed to see him. So now is this time to step up, now is his time to try and fix this (and I know it’s not all his fault) but he needs to do it for his son and he needs to do it for everyone’s relationships. I say he fights to help his son adjust and become a part of your family. Counselling would be a good start…

What was the plan you agreed with the exw op and what does she want / "demand"? Maybe you can meet in the middle instead of going to court.

Obviously, you don't want your dh son to find out that his dad took the trouble to go to court to prevent him from coming over (if that's what you're saying). But the ex might tell him seeing as she's apparently very unpleasant

What a shit show! I find it very hard to believe that your husband fought hard for his son over those 4 years he didn't see him.

Your stepson is likely very confused and angry. It doesn't take a genius to figure out why he might be unkind to siblings who he doesn't know but live with both their parents and (I assume) have a good relationship with him.

Of course he's unsettled and therefore acting out.
Behaviour is communication and you all need to listen and respond with care. You could both read up on therapeutic parenting.

This boy needs love and acceptance from his family. Pushing him away is just going to entrench those feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Your husband needs to find a way to do right by his oldest son, as well as your shades children. His son needs a relationship with his dad, but he clearly has been through trauma and your husband also needs to keep your other children protected from any negative or damaging behaviour that comes from that, whilst supporting him. It's a rough tightrope to walk. I imagine it's likely not in your step son's best interests to be thrown back in at the deep end and he will likely be struggling to witness and be a part of your family unit when he hasn't been for so long. I think your husband should be spending time with him on his own initially to rebuild that relationship so that your stepson feels more secure in it, and then gradually spending more and more time with the rest of the family in a positive, inclusive way. Maybe your husband could take him on camping trips so he is still getting overnights and plenty of time together, then build on that. Your stepson needs to feel secure and included but your own children still matter too (something that often seems to be forgotten on mumsnet when children from a previous marriage are mentioned) and they also need to feel happy and safe.

What does your step son want in the scenario? I accept things will take some time to settle it sounds very stressful.
However the resident children’s feelings are absolutely important. I wonder if you could pull back a bit and give step son time to re-build his relationship with his Dad first, and then support him to build relationships with his siblings? Is there a large age gap?

And those saying that they don't believe your husband fought to see him for 4 years clearly haven't been in the situation to know how easily the court process can be dragged on and on when you are up against someone who gives no weight or importance to anything they are told by anyone, including a judge. It took 3 years of court for my DH to see this children that his ex witheld from him. He was in court repeatedly during this time and it cost us 10s of thousands in legal fees. His ex pulled every tactic possible to stall and obstruct court proceedings. Eventually they were removed from her care by the court and they now live with us.

The mother cannot force the father to have staying contact. In fact she cannot force any contact at all. It is the child's right to have contact with the parent, but again, the contact cannot be forced if the parent doesn't want to see the child.

This is for your DH to handle with his ex. She cannot force his hand. If your DH wants contact, then he can apply for a contact order. During ordered time, the mother has to make the child available. However, again, the contact and timetable cannot be enforced.

How old is his son?

It’s funny because I’m sure all those that usually spin the line of the poor step child didn’t get a choice for you to be their step mum and saying she should move out will now be the same ones saying your children’s feelings don’t matter, poor step child.

that said I don’t agree that kids should dictate things. It would however seem no one is doing the right thing for ALL the children involved. It’s too much all round. I personally think it should have been a slow and steady reintroduction but you gotta play the hand you’ve been dealt. SC absolutely cannot be unkind to your children and he should be corrected but also your shared children cannot dictate that their brother doesn’t come to the house.

I don’t underestimate the level of upheaval and stress this has caused but I’d encourage you to embrace it as a family and try to repair the damage caused by this boys mother and father.

all the kids need to know they’re loved and wanted,
especially now.

good luck x

Your family needs professional support now. You can't alienate the child who was abandoned for years by his father. It doesn't matter who did what the impact is the same. And your children need support re-establishing their relationships.

It's funny because not one single poster has said that any child's feelings don't matter.

Your children need to learn to share their fathers time and their father needs to enable this
Does not sound like you have prepared your children for the change in circumstance, this child has not seen his DF for 4 years, enters a house where everyone is comfortable, have all their clothes toys etc, know the routines and undoubtedly will monoploise "their " Dad.

No wonder the child feels unwanted.
unbelievable behaviour by you and your DP - your children need to eb told to eb nice and understand how stressful this is for this child.

YOu got together as a family and decide to boot him out of the home and you allowed your children an equal say - did you ask the child what he wants, what is upsetting him etc - your actions speak volumes - poor child

How old are all the children?

This is your husbands 10? year old son. Hard as it is you can't just decide the solution is to go to court and get him banned from your house. Where is your responsibility, duty and your husbands love for him?

Without the age of your stepson and a example of his behaviour people can't advise.
The advice would be massively different if it's "he's 11 and won't share the television" to "he's 16 and makes sexual comments to my 9 year old daughter".

The only reason I'd want to keep a sibling away from another sibling would be a safeguarding issue.
If your DC need to be kept safe from their brother then its fair enough, if he's just being very understandably upset with how he's been treated by his parents then I echo the sentiments of the PP who suggested looking into therapeutic parenting.

Perhaps you don’t spend too much time on the step parenting board. Trust me it’s always sc sc sc fuck the other kids.

I’m surprised at your lack of empathy here OP especially as a mother. Since having children I’m more acutely aware than ever of how adults must put themselves in children’s shoes and put their feelings first.