Holidays with or without DSD

[terracottasaucer]

How do you manage holidays with step children? I feel like I’m not allowed a holiday with my own children, and made to feel evil for even wanting to.

I have a similar age gap with my step child and my two children (all have the same dad) SD always came away with us until the age of 13ish, but then started to refuse to come away (after being booked and paid for) last minute, with no real reason other than wanted to spend time with friends. Over the last few years we have taken the decision to go away in term time with the younger children, with the offer for SD to have mini breaks with Dad during school hols. Seems to work well as with the age gap it was becoming harder to keep all the kids entertained and happy

Not really - the usual narrative on MN is that step parents aren’t allowed feelings/opinions/wants/needs for the children’s sake every time. In reality, step parenting is challenging and there have been many many occasions over the years I have had to put my own feelings aside for DSD no matter how hurtful or similar.

There are experiences I would like to give to my children as their mother (and no, Disneyland is not one of them!). Should they go without those because their father had a child before them?

If DSC is with us for the weekend / holidays, they come with us. If DSC is with mum then they don't.

Sometimes I will even take my own child and DSC away on my own without dad, just depends who's free and at home at the time of the holiday 🤷‍♀️

My child, aged about 8, came home from their father’s house quite distraught as my ex was taking his new family with two children away on holiday but our child couldn’t go as my ex couldn’t afford it. It damaged the relationship and neither me nor my child have forgotten it.

When I became a step parent myself, I always invited my step son despite us having a difficult relationship, as I just couldn’t think of him feeling like my child had done. (I still extend many invitations to him as an adult but we get on very well now)

This 100% the invite should always be extended

I don’t think it’s an issue, and I say that as a step mum and as a mum whose daughter sometimes misses out on holidays as her dad has lots of other children and can’t afford to take them all.
The reality is that I am sure they go on holidays with their mum, and presumably their mum also holidays alone?
I have 3 step children and 1 of my own, financially it’s not always possible to take all 4 children on holiday. It’s impossible during the holidays and we can’t afford 3 sets of fines. I don’t feel that me and my daughter should miss out on years and years of holidays so we either go alone or my partner will join (only if his children are already on holiday with their mum so they don’t feel that they’re ‘missing out’).
We are going on a once in a lifetime trip to the carribean next year and we aren’t taking his children because the fine would be over £1000 and it would cost us an additional £7000 to take them. We are taking all of our children away together in the holidays for 2 weeks as a compromise and have saved up for it.

When I moved in with my husband I had a son who was 12 he had a daughter who was 5. We only ever did holidays with both of them together.
10 years on my son hasn't wanted to come on the last couple of holidays because of work and having his own holidays with friends ect
Step daughter is now 16 has continued to come (we normally go to Spain for a couple of weeks in the summer) She doesn't want to come next year because she said it's boring with just two adults and her.. fair enough!
My husband is thinking of booking a weekend away to climb Snowdon just the two of them.
She also has around 3 foreign holiday a year with her own mum.

I think you should always assume the sc will want to come and if you’re not sure (ie being 17 plus they may not want to go away with little ones) you should ask them. This is what we have always done and consequently dd aged 21 has always come on holiday with us. We get a 2 bed hotel room or apartment and there’s a big age gap between her and her (half) brother aged 12 but there’s enough space for everyone to find their own place to relax etc. I would be really upset if dh ever said he wanted to go on holiday without dd! She’s as much a part of the family as Ds!

What holidays they have with their mum are irrelevant to what they do with their Dad.
Dad needs to ensure his children have holiday time with him

Renovation-so only one of the Dads children deserves a holiday of a lifetime to the Caribbean-the rest can go to Benidorm for 2 weeks as a compromise.Sorry that is so divisive I say that as a mother who saw her 2 DCS left at home because their DF said he could not afford to take his new DPs 2 children and their joint and my 2 on holiday allegedly to the Caribbean.( They flew Business)
I am unable to explain, like Quitmoaning, the devastation that wreaked on 2 young children.
Like her -the relationship with their DF has neve recovered as he did it twice more. Always made a point of facetiming with their step siblings and other sibling whilst away-beyond cruel.

To quote one of my DCs-we could all have gone to Spain for 2 weeks and had a good time with Dad for half what he paid for the Caribbean-he was right. They got no holiday and saw their Dad having a great time with kids which were not his own.

You ask at any age and see what they want and do not rely on their mother to ensure they have holidays because their DFs family are too tight to treat all his children fairly

We do a mix of all of us and just the 4 of us without DSC. DSD is in the middle of A levels so can't really go on holiday this year but we will still go. We do one summer holiday with them and one without them. Our 2 our in private school so we tend to go without DSC during one of the extra weeks when there are no holiday clubs etc anyway. They holiday with their mum too.

I think it's ok to not want to go away with SC.

We do holidays with and without. The holidays without are with our DC and we justify that because the SC go away with their Mums side.

I need holidays without because honestly it's stressful being a step parent.
But we do holidays with because it's important they get time with their sibling and make memories with their father.

You aren't going to please everyone all the time. But you are a human with wants and needs, with only one life to live. I always think 'how would I feel if my child had a Step Parent and they were treated this way' and as long as I think it's reasonable I do it. If I felt that it would hurt my child, I wouldn't do it to the SC if that makes sense?

I used to be a step mother, part of the reason that marriage was broke down was because of his DS, so I do know how tough being a step parent is. But even I wouldn’t have dreamt of excluding him from a family holiday.

There are experiences I would like to give to my children as their mother (and no, Disneyland is not one of them!). Should they go without those because their father had a child before them?

Why would having to take DSD mean you can’t give your children certain experiences? Surely you just save up a little longer so they all go. If you had children from a previous relationship I’ll bet my house you wouldn’t leave them behind.

My ex never took our kids. Or the kids from his second family once they split. I explained it to ds that he holidays with us, his Dsis's holiday with their mum and his db holidays with dad and step mum as he wouldn't get a holiday otherwise.

But I don't really agree with it, dh would have got told where to go if he suggested we take shared children and not ds.

And why is it always the mums responsibility to ensure the kids get away. And why don't dads want to take the kids away?

Given her age she will probably stop joining soon. Ask her if she wants to come and see from there.
I agree with a previous poster that if you go on holiday without her, it would be nice for to have a city break somewhere with her dad.

I'm a SM and a SC. The difference in my situation is that I don't have kids. We do holiday with DSC but we also holiday just the two of us. As a child if my parent and step parent took their shared kids and my step sibling away I would have been gutted. Age is a huge factor, if DSC was 18 and over that's completely different but if they're still a teenager that cannot pay for themself (under 18 in my opinion) then they should be going too. If it was just you and DH I would agree with you as parents/step parents do deserve a child free holiday

I'd other nail she's 18. Our dc didn't always want to come away once they turned 18 although they were given a choice. I can't imagine it will be for much longer.

We used to do some with and some without and do you know what? It doesn't matter what other people say or other people would do. It's okay to do what works for you.

Different situation to you as my SS lives with us and visits his mum but it hasn't always been that way and our holiday situation always has. SS comes on all holidays with us apart from the holiday which we book when we find out when his mum is taking him away. We holiday at the same time, either for the same length or for shorter and always to somewhere that he has either been before or somewhere we don't think will hugely standout from the holiday his mum is taking him on. He understands that the reason we holiday without him is because he is holidaying without us and we wouldn't do it otherwise.

I think the solution for us will be that we have to save more and do two holidays. We don’t have the budget for international vs Spain so they’d likely be similar experiences. What DSD does with her mother doesn’t really come into it, I don’t get involved in the choices her mother makes for them as a family unit.

The fact she’s almost an adult and the other children are much younger does change the situation somewhat. I had presumed sc was much younger. I wasn’t going on holiday with either parent at this age. In fact my mum and step dad went away when I was 16 and left me at home. Does she ever go away with just her mum? I think given her age there is some comprise to be made here.

I think DSD should be invited on every holiday until she's 18 , and after that maybe depending on the circumstances and if she's working/in college etc

At her age I don't think she's going to want to come with you for long anyway.

If you need to figure out what's fair or not maybe think how you would want your DC treated if you and DH were to split up when they're older.....

Have you been on holiday with all DC before @terracottasaucer

DSD is coming to an age where she might not want to come with you for a few years especially if you are tailoring your trip round your youngest DC, so this soon won’t be an issue.

Yes, and also before our shared children were born.

Yes she should be invited!! It’s not even a question in my mind @terracottasaucer you married her father, she is a part of your family because of that!

@terracottasaucer if you had a child from a previous relationship would you want to include them?