Holidays with or without DSD

[terracottasaucer]

How do you manage holidays with step children? I feel like I’m not allowed a holiday with my own children, and made to feel evil for even wanting to.

If you have been on holiday together before what has triggered this post @terracottasaucer?

I was wondering what triggered it too - especially as very soon she will likely not want to holiday with parents full stop.

Frankly it comes down to how much you and your kids enjoy her company as well. DSS is tricky and I will be very happy for him to not joining us but DSD has a much stronger relationship with me and her half siblings. I'd be happy for her to come along for as long as she wants to.

Exactly this- why do people get married and then act shocked when they actually have to be a “proper” family?…. 🙄

I have 2 children and my DH has 2 children. We don't share any children together. We go on holiday together as a family, because that is what we are. My children are there 24/7 as they don't see their dad but my DH has his children every friday-sunday and if the school holidays are longer than 1 week he shares the holidays too. We would never plan a holiday without any of them there, it just wouldn't be an option.

We pretty much always holiday together but we did take 1 holiday without them, which was technically our honeymoon (but we took our young baby with us because breastfeeding and the holiday wasn’t “for” her.) We did a cruise and the older SC wouldn’t have liked it very much because it was term time and so very “adult”. Only saw a handful of other babies and no kids.

We do music festivals without them because we tried it all together and the SC hated it. We ask them every time though, because we’d like them to come with us.

We are very lucky to have the cash reserves to holiday quite often and have substantial choice over where we can go. If we could only afford to holiday infrequently, we wouldn’t go anywhere without them. Like, we’d reapportion the money we spent going to a music festival last year on something for everyone IYSWIM.
I’m also lucky because I get on with my SC pretty well, by all accounts. They’re good kids and I’m quite patient by design. I like it when we holiday together because my own kids enjoy it more. I know this isn’t the case for everyone.

I think children are small people and not idiots. As long as dialogue is open and age-appropriate, they are capable of understanding why they can’t get everything all the time. In a nuclear family, everyone knows what is up but in blended families there is often a lot of smoke and mirrors because everyone wants something different and family members often feel like they can’t advocate for their own needs. I don’t know how to fix this dynamic when it’s bedded in, I’m just adding my own experiences to the convo.

I’ve been a SM for 12 years and my SC are now teens.

This - we holiday together when it’s practical.

But some holidays DSS won’t appreciate and others our joint children won’t, DH holidays with just DSS sometimes. Sometimes I holiday with our children (no DSS) and my family. We just do what we based on the holiday, dates and circumstances.

I do find it hard to relax with SD around, but this post isn’t about the ins and outs of that and also I don’t want to air that on a public forum. I would like a holiday where I can relax properly as we’ve had a stressful few months.

Are you also a step parent?

then take yourself away for a night to destress @terracottasaucer but don’t exclude her as that will only exacerbate any issues you seem to already have with her. Leaving her out is not the answer here.

Tbh to me that’s just unfortunate. We all have responsibilities and commitments that would be easier to shrug off at times, but that’s not how family life works.

If she's 17 then she must doing A levels or whatever so she must be busy. Go somewhere with a kids club and plonk the smaller two in it. I don't know any blended families where all members go on all holidays. It's not like you're leaving her out of Disney and she's 8.

Whereas this way they just don’t ever get to go on holiday with their dad. Great strategy.

heaven forbid a child you should get double holidays… the cheek of them!!

@Willsnbills exactly! I bet they have two beds as well, the greedy urchins.

I’d say you need to turn your question around. Because the child is only a step child to you. She’s your husband’s daughter. So the question becomes “how often should a father go on holiday and leave one of his children behind?”

OP, you just sound really resentful of your SD because she upsets the balance of what you think of as your nuclear family unit.

as I have stated already this has a very simple answer. No, they don’t need to go on every holiday. But if it’s a holiday where there are children in the family going then as they are “children in the family” then yes, they should go! If you want time away, then you take time away from all the children. You spend the weekend with your DH together and have some alone time. You get plenty of time without your stepchildren I’m guessing as they probably live a portion of their time with their mother. If it was you who had a child prior to your current relationship, would you leave THEM OUT? Their relationship with that child is not because they are your step child it’s just because of a clash of personalities, this can happen with your own children too. Would you leave out your own child if they stressed you out? My son drives me insane, he still comes on holidays with me.

Why on earth would you have children with a man who can only be bothered to see his child twice a month? Baffling.

I have three DSC who are also significantly older than my own DD. When they were younger (young adults now) and wanted to come away with us we always took them away on a holiday each year (though not always abroad), so we would always have at least one break away together as a whole family each year, but would also have holiday away as our mini family just as they would also have holiday with their mum. We also would financially support them as they got older in their more independent travels. We continue to have a good relationship with them and no resentment from them around this. From about 17/18 they tended not to want to come away with us or their DM and we're more interested in going away with their pals/partners.

Op I feel you! It completely changes the dynamics and when SC is holidaying with their DM and “main family” I don’t see why they have to be invited to every holiday/trip/event. Especially when there’s such a big age gap too!

We did a mix. Sometimes dsd came, sometimes we went without her. A couple of times dh took just her away. She is older now and goes on holiday with her friends. I am very fond of my step daughter but it would be an utter lie to say it’s not a little awkward to spend 2 weeks in close proximity with someone you usually only see once a fortnight or less (big distance)

Interestingly, her mum moaned a couple of times about us going away without her. Then she married someone with kids and they NEVER took them away, they just went with dsd and later their joint child.

My half sister was born when I was as 14 so a big age gap. Luckily I was never excluded from family holidays due to sharing a different dad and being the older child. It wasn’t always an easy relationship with my step dad but he’d never of considered excluding me from a family holiday. Likewise his son from his first marriage of course always came along too.

In contrast I was not invited on family holidays with my dad, step mother, and step siblings. It’s bizarre to me that my dad is now, many years later, trying to integrate us, expecting me to spend time with step mother for example inviting her to birthday celebrations, when that effort was not made with me growing up. For some reason I’m expected to care about not leaving her out, when that wasn’t extended to me as a teenager.

Interesting to compare the two, and these things do stick in your memory.

This is definitely a factor and thank you for making me feel even slightly human.

I would like to know how many posters are step parents themselves? It’s a far harder role than I ever imagined. It’s very easy to think everything will be fine in the early days. I have beat myself up many times over how emotionally challenging it can be.

The contact arrangements aren’t any of my business. It’s not that SD isn’t welcome to come any time she wants to, she has her bedroom and belongings here if she wants to stay plus her house key if we’re not home.

Does she want to go? I stopped going with my family aged 17 as my siblings were so much younger (7, 3 and 1) and it didn't sound like much fun. If she wants to then yes, you should invite her otherwise she is going to feel that she is being pushed out and replaced by the new family (and yes I am a step mother and have been for 12 years). Even if she goes, you can get ajoining rooms as she won't want to share and she will likely sleep in later ect. Do her own wandering around. I did from about 14 on my own on holiday. You will likely have some of your own time.