Holidays with or without DSD

[terracottasaucer]

How do you manage holidays with step children? I feel like I’m not allowed a holiday with my own children, and made to feel evil for even wanting to.

This

No, you pick a holiday that you and DH can jointly afford for everyone, or you alone just take your 2 children and leave DH and DSD behind.

Holidays for "the family" include ALL the children of "the family".

I'm sure you could afford a better holiday if you only took one of your children. So which one of your children do you think should miss out, so the other gets the best holiday that you can afford?

I’m not responsible for her parents not being together, so this idea that it’s a defenceless child not asking to be in this situation isn’t my doing either. It’s life. I am allowed a life I choose, with my own children.
You don’t mention whether you’re a step parent yourself?

I think it’s ok to do this as long as you manage it sensitively.

But if I couldn’t manage it sensitively then I probably would rather not go because I hate being uncomfortable and secondly I’d hate to think I’d caused suffering

Surely at 17 she’s going to stop wanting to come?

Excellent, so now I’m expected to holiday without my husband because he has a child from a previous relationship?
How well do you get on with your step children? Are you as comfortable with them as your own children?

Counting out how many days each child is spending with their dad is fine, except I’m really not responsible for the basic contact arrangement and neither are my children. Us going on holiday as a four does not directly impact how much available time there is for DSD over a whole year.

You knew he had a child when you got together and this child should be just as important to him as both of yours. Of course your own children will be your priority but your husband has three children not two.

You keep asking people this op and I think it’s slightly missing the point to assume people don’t understand the challenges. It’s often because they do that they expect people actually entering into that role would be fully cognisant of what they were taking on.

I think I was just 15 when I had my last holiday with my entire family - I really didn't want to holiday with children!

OP, book a week in North Wales in a caravan (one of those holiday park things), or Butlins, and offer your SD to come along with you. It'll probably rain all the time too which should add to the fun!

Easy.
If your Step kids are with you 50% of the time then 50% of your annual days you go on holiday should be with the Step kids and 50% should be without them.
If they are with you 2/7ths of the time then 2/7ths of your annual days you go on holiday should be with the Step kids and 5/7ths should be without them.

Every child in our family has always been invited to/included in every family holiday, and no holiday has ever been planned which was outside the budget for us all to go on. Moot point now as none of them want to come with us any more.

How about if you want a holiday that you can only afford for 2 of the 3 children, you put their names in a hat and randomly pull out the names of the lucky 2 who get to come with you? The unlucky one can stay at home with extended family babysitting. Or plan a holiday that's within the budget to take all the children.

But you're not "a four".

You're a 3 (you and your children) or a 5 (you, DH and all your children).

He's a 4 (him and his 3 children) or a 5 ( him, you and his 3 children).

Would you be happy to go on holiday with DH and DSD and leave your existing children out? Have them left behind?

I don’t think I miss the point at all. I don’t think anyone truly understands being a step parent until you are one yourself. There are some very strong opinions on this thread, and I am genuinely interested if they come from people with or without step children.

Lovely, now my immediate family unit doesn’t exist.
Would you choose to go on a holiday with say your niece or nephew over your own children?

Your dilemma is regular on here

It always divides people

Your tone seems quite off tho

by the time your summer hol comes round she will be nearly 18?

Im always suspicious of op who only respond to very argumentative posts in the same way as it never helps their actual dilemma

Some of your posts read as if you are the teenager 😬😬😂😂

I don’t think the poster was referring to the divorce as the shitty situation the child was thrown into. Having been that step child too, I can say it’s the shitty situation you are wanting to create by excluding one member of the family from family holidays.

When you meet a man with children you don’t create a family of ‘your own’, you join and extend an existing family.

You are of course allowed a life you choose…you chose a life with a man who already had a child. You chose to extend that family instead of creating a new one.

I chose not date men with children because I chose not to be part of a step family in my adult life.

I don’t say this to be mean but to stop another step parent from damaging a young child’s life and MH.

But you don’t have to be a step parent to have an opinion - I work with lots of parents from all different backgrounds, I have an informed educated opinion on what’s helpful and not although I don’t experience many of the same issues that drive people to seek help. I get that it’s tricky for you but you have a choice - the life you choose to life as you say yourself. Children tend not to and that can be hard. Ultimately you don’t have to be welcoming to your DSD and your husband gets to choose what kind of father he wants to be but you seem to want people to agree with you which isn’t your call.

Your family u it doesn’t exist without your DSD, not for your husband. He has three children.

How would you feel if he went on holiday with two of his children and left one of yours at home? And more importantly, how would your left behind child feel?

OP I can begin this by saying I am a step parent. I get it. And yeah, you are being unreasonable. You have to invite her. You can’t do your “unit of four” thing because it’s actually a unit of five. Sorry but it is. Can you imagine in the future if you split from your DH and remarried and your new spouse wanted to push your kids out? It’s not on. If you marry someone with kids, you take them on too and you accept that you don’t have the same family unit as someone who doesn’t have existing children.
As for the relaxing bit, you need to unclench and let any aspects of her behaviour that you dont like wash over you. If you went on a beach holiday would she really want to be with you all the time anyway? You will probably have plenty of time to relax so I wouldn’t worry about it.

Your husband has 3 children.
His eldest child is not like a neice or nephew, she is his child and needs to be invited along to any holidays he is doing with his family. Asking him to pick two of his three children and exclude one is a horrible thing to do.

Your "immediate family unit" as you call it doesn't exist as a 4 because your DH has 3 children, and there are 5 in the family unit that includes him.

I don’t get the niece or nephew over your own children comment. She is his child, not a niece or nephew and surely you’d be taking all of the children? So nobody is being picked over anyone else. The issue seems to be you and your seeming inability to relax in your DSD’s presence and wanting to go as a four, not a five. You can’t do that, you just can’t and as you’re an adult, your feelings about relaxing and being a four have to take a back seat.

I agree I have a step sister in her late 20s and she goes on holiday with my dad and step mum, they never invite any other children and there are 4 more of us. They probably know I'd say no so don't bother asking, however I'd like it if they asked and I've no idea why. I think it's nice to be thought of?

This is absolutely fair and balanced. I have said I will look at different options and there have been some really helpful suggestions.

I work with a range of families in my line of work, but I would never truly understand without walking in their shoes. I definitely underestimated the complexities of step parenting.

What about my tone seems off?
Yes DSD will be nearly 18, but she doesn’t stop being my DSD from that moment on. Perhaps it’s unusual but she has always chosen to continue to come and visit as normal through her teenage years and I don’t expect it will change any time soon. I have no issue with that either.

But why can’t you go on holiday with her too then? Would you exclude one of your children from a holiday? Because that’s what you’re asking of your DH.