Holidays with or without DSD

[terracottasaucer]

How do you manage holidays with step children? I feel like I’m not allowed a holiday with my own children, and made to feel evil for even wanting to.

DSD was a similar age when DS was born. We always ask her for all holidays but she tends to only say yes to international ones or ‘interesting’ local ones. She’s much, much easier to manage holiday wise than DS. As long as she has access to a swimming pool, a bar, and free wifi she’s fine!

It is working for all of us. Everyone is happy. All the dc get the same amount of holidays. They all get on we just choose to holiday separately it’s not a problem for anyone involved !

Has the sc had 17 years worth of family holidays? If so I don’t think it’s horrible or evil to want to have a holiday with your children that you chose to make and your husband. Yes the sc might be their sibling but she’s 17. It won’t kill her for you to holiday without her. What does your husband think? Also if you’re paying it doesn’t really matter.

Should the step children go on every holiday? No. They will probably have holidays with their other parent which your DC won't go on.

I speak as the child from the first marriage whose father had 4 more DC. It would never have occurred to me to expect to go on holiday with my stepmum and their DC. I went with my.mum who was the RP.

She should be invited on every family holiday but at that age, she won’t want to come for much longer anyway. If you are telling your partner that you want him to go away with your children but also that he should exclude one of his completely, then it’s fair that he makes you feel like you’re being evil.

Let her absence from your holidays happen naturally instead of creating a drama and casing yourself as the wicked stepmother.

We have a mixture.

1. I take my children
2. I take my children and DP (not their dad)
3. We take my children and his children
4. He takes his children.

That's not to say we have 4 holidays a year. We don't. But we try and have a good mix. Also for point 2, this is usually when his children are on holiday with their mother.

This year we have taken both sets of children away together for both a UK and foreign holiday. And DP and I have had a weekend away without any children. So for us a good mixture works.

Given their ages I think it’s reasonable for you to go away with dh and your shared kids and then the step dd goes on something more age appropriate with her dad that he pays for.

I mean it’s likely that you’ll only get one more year (if even that) so it would be kind to offer. I imagine she’ll decline anyway, doesn’t sound super welcoming and she doesn’t see you or her dad that much generally.

What happened when she was younger? How long have you been with her dad? At 17 I'm not sure she would want to go on holiday with young ones, but what happened when she was 11?

Give it one more year. I stopped paying for my eldest when she reached 18, there was a big family holiday that I paid for her to come with us on though - She was 22 and I didn’t want her to miss out.

He can do city breaks with her then.

Does the stepchild holiday with her mum, or can the mum not afford it? Also, do you only have one holiday a year or does the budget stretch further?

If she is already getting a nice holiday with her mum then she doesn't need to go on every holiday with you. If yours would be the only holiday she gets, then you should include her.

At her age, she probably won't want to holiday with you for much longer, so this may soon become a non-issue.

I would have thought with that age difference the sort of holiday you would take younger children on would not suit DSD and vice versa.

Does DSD even want to go on holiday with her half siblings?

Your husband isn't going to want to exclude one of his children is he? Though it might be more fun for him and his eldest to do a separate break where they didn't have to accommodate young children.

DSS comes on every holiday with us. Before our DDs were school age I think we did go on a couple without him as they were cheap outside the school holidays (and we still did a main family holiday with him), but since DD1 started school it's been with all of them. He's 17 now, so I'm not sure how much longer he'll want to be involved but he'll always be invited.

Because of the age gap the other thing we've done is a divide and conquer - last year we took DD1 and 2 to Disneyland Paris for four days but that's not his thing (unsurprisingly), so he and his dad did a city break in Berlin the following weekend.

We have 50/50 and DH and his XW each get two weeks in the summer. During DH’s two weeks, we do a big family holiday with our kids and the DSC. Then during his XW’s two weeks, they go abroad with her and we take our shared children abroad.

In our case though, I’ve been 50/50 with my stepsons since they were small (3 and 5) and we are very close so I can relax on vacation. We also have the funds (on both sides) that allow everyone to take the kids away. Each set of children gets two holidays per summer. No one feels jealous (except last summer when the XW took the boys to Cuba and they hated that vacation and wish they’d come along on ours instead).

We started off having holidays all together but it was pretty pointless because of the age gap - very similar to yours. DH spent every minute with the DSCs and I was left holiding the babies. I felt like a single parent.

Really happy for DH to take Dsc away and he has done. And we also take little ones away without DSC. But I know costs can be a big issue, as well as annual leave.

Does DSC mother take them away?

I’m just wondering if your point would apply where both sets of parents have remarried and had more DC - if he existed, would you not have expected to go on hol with mum, SD and their DC?

@Loadsapandas. Not every holiday with each parent.

Here it comes-the continuous drip feed and now as the main earner you are about to tell us you want to take yours to Disneyland and as you are paying most of it do not want DSD to come -this old chest nut comes up so many times on the SM forum.

You have 2 DCs and can go away on your own with out DSD
Dad has 3 DCS and if you wait one moe year none of this will really matter as you can now say she is an adult and can go on he own holidys.

sseingwhatsreal -so the EX takes the SDCs on holiday but their DF does not. What a crap situation

If your sd is 17 does she even want to go away either 2 very young kids??

I am a step parent I'm no longer with their dad but we are still very close. Similar age gap wlbetween my dd and her siblings as your sd and your eldest.

We used to go away with just our shared dd for more young child friendly trips but also do a main "family" holiday too.

I think you need tomlook more at why you can't relax around your sd. You have bigger problems than a holiday of not!!

I think it's less about you and more about the kids.
Wouldn't your kids like their big sister there? Would she like a chance to play in the pool with the little ones (and maybe babysit one evening even?!) if they want to bond together on holiday then great!
But I agree it might be best to give her a choice - join the holiday with the kids or do a treat with her dad like a trip to London to see her favourite band or theatre or a shopping trip or a long weekend in Florence if she likes art etc .

Pa you shouldn't be paying for dsd though that's on her dad, unless he is a sahf to support your career then it is family money not your money

We have large age gaps.

Adults down to babies, even now we tell the adults that we are going and if they want to come they book as well.

When they were under 18 we always asked if they wanted to come. Some times they did and sometimes they didnt as we always did age appropriate holidays for the younger ones and they sometimes weren't that interested in going.

We have done breaks just our older respective kids, all of us, our kids plus one SC. If it was a year we could only afford one holiday it would be one that we could take them all.

We have never applied the rationale of what they get, do or have in the other parents or compared it to what our joint kids have. They arent the same. Our respective SC are a part of this family.

Our joint kids aren't a part of the SC other family unit.

And as we have always explained to our joint kids, anything they do or have in their other parents is because they don't get to live in the same house with their mam and dad. Our oldest child together is even mature enough to recognise they most definitely get the short end of the straw v her and yonger sibling.

She asked me and her dad never to break up because she would absolutely hate having to go between houses all the time like her older brother and sister had to. Funny even her sibling going to disney with her dad & his family wasn't enough to swing her to thinking she was missing out not having two homes.

DSC are older now, but we always did a mix. One holiday with them, one when they were with their DM.

DSC were very high-needs. DH was basically lost to me and our DC on the holidays with DSC. They couldn’t share his time. DH worked long hours so our DC didn’t see much of him either, so our own holidays were their time.

Honestly, it was just something to get through for me, but we did it.

Why can’t his other child come? Because you are paying?