Holidays with or without DSD

[terracottasaucer]

How do you manage holidays with step children? I feel like I’m not allowed a holiday with my own children, and made to feel evil for even wanting to.

Very simply, all children should be invited to any family holiday that their parent is going on.

So you taking just your children (no DH or DSD) - fine
DH and you taking all 3 children-fine
DH and you taking 2 of your children and excluding the other-not fine and hurtful.

You need to budget for all 3 children accordingly.

And to add I am the main earner and we go on 6+ breaks a year (UK and abroad) and I pay for it all. Step child and all.

OP, please don't take anything to heart from here. Of course as a step Mum you aren't allowed any sort of opinion!

I cannot always get time off work in school holidays so my partner takes SD on holiday then. We then go on holiday in term time with our daughter.

I once got told that we shouldn't be going to the zoo on a non-contact weekend! Life doesn't stop for you because your step child is with their Mum.

And if I can’t afford to take all three, then my two go without?

It does feel that way, my feelings don’t matter because I married a man with a child. Thank you for your perspective. I think we could look at different options that could work.

@terracottasaucer It is right that you do things as a family, but it is also fair that you can still do things when she isn't with you! SD will have her own experiences with her Mum too.

People seem to think that the Dad, new partner and child cannot/shouldn't do anything when the step child isn't with them. Life doesn't stop every other weekend! It would be incredibly unfair on my daughter to only do any sort of activities EOW!

It isnt that your feelings dont matter, it is that a child’s feelings come first. Youve got very little time left before your dh’s child wants to go on holiday with friends instead of him anyway. Possibly only one or two more. Why start this now? is it more a resentment towards your dh you are feeling? Youve said youre the main earner, which was unnecessary as you are married and so it is family money but stating it makes it sound like you resent having to fund his older child. Does he equally parent so you can relax?

One thing my friend did with her own child was as soon as he hit 18, he had to contribute through his job towards the family holiday. Is that an option? Might even make her think it is not worth it and she might as well go somewhere she wants to go with friends.

@Wolframandhart So if the child's feelings matter, why are you only prioritising the step child's? @terracottasaucer 's child should not miss out either.
Going on holiday with a SC is a different experience. You have little/no privacy, which is highly different with a SC than your own - especially sharing a room. It's also quite natural for the Dad to only gravitate towards only parenting the SC whilst away, this leaves the Mum very full on with their child.

We do keep our funds quite separate as I don’t pay maintenance but he does. There is money ‘in the middle’ for our joint expenses.

I’m sorry but this is odd. You seem to be quite fixated on things being equal. It is nothing to do with you how many holidays your step children go on with their mother. Your step children should certainly have the opportunity to go on holiday with their own father.

That is so awful. Your poor child

What are you talking about? Are you saying the 3 year old should get to say they don't want their sister there? 🙄
and if he isnt parenting all his children, he is a pretty shit dad. Has three children but you are suggesting he can only parent one at a time? And a 17 yo at that?!

op, if money is separate, can your dh pay more towards the holiday?

but again, at 17, she wont be coming along much longer. Seems a really odd time to alienate his child.

@Wolframandhart I don't understand what you're asking at all to be honest. I didn't mention a 3 year old, nor anything about not wanting anyone there.

Just trying to make the point that, It's a shame that to expect the OP's child to miss out. It's as though 'new' children cannot have experiences if the SC aren't there.

@Wolframandhart Just seen you've edited. It's natural that the SC gravitate towards their biological parent. It doesn't make anyone a shit parent. Not really sure where you've conjured that up from.

Are you part of a blended family at all? Just wondering if you would share your experiences.

Agreed!

So the sisters ever go on holiday together?

@StormingNorman

I am still nursing my daughter so my partner couldn't take her on his 2 x abroad holidays with SD - however if he could have done, in reality she is still a baby and this would have completely changed the dynamics of their trips as they wouldn't have been able to explore the theme parks or water parks.

We have had a couple of shorter breaks with both.

I think the key thing in your particular situation is that your DSD only gets to see her dad 52 days a year, whereas his other children see him every day.

He should be using his annual leave to see as much of his children, ALL of them. as possible.

Assuming he gets four weeks off a year, that's 20 days. If you add that to the 52 days a year he currently sees his first born, that's still only 72 days with 1 child, compared to 365 that he sees your joint children.

If you go away for a fortnight and don't take DSD, he'd be seeing her for 62 days or less, so spending 300+ days more a year with his other kids.

It the time to build that parent-child bond that's the issue here, in my opinion, not the holiday itself.

Plus, surely your DH is gagging to spend more time with his child that he barely sees. Does he not want her to be on holiday with you all?

At 17 it was my worst nightmare going on holiday with my parents and at 18 I went with friends on my own. I would still invite her, at that age it won't be a long term thing.

You said:
So if the child's feelings matter, why are you only prioritising the step child's?
you are saying the 3 and 6 year old’s feelings on whether their sister joins them on holiday should be considered? If not, what does that ^ mean?

of course younger children can have experiences of the sc isnt there. Nobody has said they have to spend days (weeks) that the sc isnt living with dad doing nothing, just waiting… They are saying when you go on holiday, you take all your children. You dont just pick the ones you like the most.

going to the zoo on the weekend dad does not have his older child is not the same as booking a holiday abroad and not inviting the older child.

This is what I cannot get past, which is why i think it is actually resentment towards an under-earning dh. Why now? With only one year left? Why create the resentment with the sc now?

IMO you shouldn't have had children with a man who already has a child if you don't wish to include the child in holidays etc. I was a 'step child' and I can't tell you how damaging it is to be ostracised from your own family because of a grown woman having insecurity issues around a defenceless child who didn't ask to be put into the situation/family dynamic they have found themselves in. You're the adult your SC is a child - grow up and take him/her on holiday with you.

God forbid they have double the holidays 🙄 so they miss out on a chance of making family memories with their Dad on holiday because you don't want them to have double the holidays?

@Wolframandhart No, sorry, completely misunderstood there.

I'm saying that I don't think it is fair on the OP's children to miss out on a holiday if the SC cannot/wont go.

I certainly don't pick the child I like the most - I can only do what is practical for us.

Exactly, so op needs a cheaper holiday and her dh needs to step up. It isnt that the sc cannot or wont go, it is the op who doesn't want her to.