Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Yes, it’s normal. He could have them 50% of the time. I hope he will choose to have them as much as possible. I think that you have to decide if this life is for you. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect him to want his children less, although I do understand where you are coming from.

How much time does the mum have off. You get the fun weekends mum gets the drudge.

I wouldn't mind having them more in the week instead as it feels like we barely get any time on the weekends.
At the moment, I'm cramming my hobby into the start or end of the days on the weekends to make myself available for family time when I'd rather not put my things second all the time. Is it wrong to do that? I want some "me" time back. Failing that, I could just start using it as time to go and do my thing while he has them but that's wrong too, I'm told.

I'd much rather do the weekday stuff than every weekend. It's a longer, more time and energy consuming time to entertain two young children. It's not as fun as everyone makes out. She gets pretty much every weekend off to go out and do what she likes.

Be prepared: down the line they may want to or have to move in with dad. If you can't accept this, you may need to reconsider your relationship with a man with children. This is their home.

So you only get a weekend off every 5 weeks? No, this is not normal. We did EOW plus one midweek night. That was enough.

Why cant you do your hobbies on your own? there should be nothing stopping you.

You have a OH problem here,

I do not feel every weekend is too much for your OH to have his however, the issue here is you are being made to spend all weekend as a family when...frankly they are not your kids and you have a right to spend some time away from the home.

@Thursdaygirl that’s pretty poor.

It was the norm at the time.

This time is for him to spend with his children. Absolutely do your own thing. Is part of the reason he wants you there when his children are because you do some/ all of the cooking and cleaning and activity organising and childcare for them?

How old are the DC? Does mum work? Does she have to sort childcare in the summer holidays?

Doesn't sound enough no. Can he have them an extra night and take them to school Monday? Or help with school runs at all?

There is no such thing a too much time for a child to be with their parent. If you don’t think you can deal with it then there is nothing wrong with walking away but you can’t expect him to see less of his children

Stop putting your hobbies off. Your OH is their father and needs to spend time with them. You don't.

Also, if you're not married I would reconsider the whole relationship. You're with a man with children. If anything happens to mum they are his full time, and it doesn't sound like you're up for that.

At the moment, I'm cramming my hobby into the start or end of the days on the weekends to make myself available for family time when I'd rather not put my things second all the time. Is it wrong to do that? I want some "me" time back. Failing that, I could just start using it as time to go and do my thing while he has them but that's wrong too, I'm told.

This bit is your problem!!!

Who is telling you it's wrong?

It's not family time - it's his time to parent his own kids. I would be suspicious he wants you around to make it easier for him. He needs to step up.

You should absolutely be taking your time to do your hobbies and see friends when it suits you. You don't need to fit into his schedule at all for that.

Date nights for the 2 of you obviously need to be planned for when the kids aren't there, but there seems to be one weekend night free each week so that's not a problem?

Get yourself a regular Weds night hobby for sure!!

Sounds like a Disney dad schedule. Why doesn’t he have them 50%?

Erm, it would be a perfect time for you to do your hobbies, meet friends etc when he has his children. Who has told you that's wrong? If it's him then you have bigger problems here lovely. Does he do the work when his children are there or is it left to you?

I think the amount of time sounds ok, but it isn't unreasonable to expect to be able to carry on with your own hobbies whilst the children are there.

As someone said before, there's always a risk that the children may need to/ask to live at their Dads full time. It might not happen, but you need to work out if you'd be happy with that.

Similar situation although we are married now and doing 50%, we alternate weekends, but we do runs to the clubs few times a week - dancing, swimming and anything in between.
We also do "family" holidays. DC get two holidays out of us lol one with us and one with its mother. Plus half terms.

The thing is, it's really hard especially if you don't want to have children yourself. We spoke about it a lot and even if this is not a dream situation, I really love him. Also, this just show he is a good dad, how many dads don't bother to see their children etc. ? People can me shit partners but good parents. If you can't look pass that you will struggle...

You're not suited to a relationship involving children.

As others have asked, who is telling you it’s wrong for you not to participate in family time?

If your main gripe is that you don’t get much weekend time as a couple, that’s the reality of being with a man with kids.

If the main problem is you get no time to do your own thing, because your partner can’t parent his children without your help, you need a very firm chat with him! Or to end it.

How old are you? I was you from 24 until 32 and hated it.
Should have never married exH

Agree.

They aren't guests. If anything, you are the guest in their home, OP. Your hobbies and preferences aren't their problem to solve.

Presumably you knew he had children when you decided to become involved. Maybe you need to find someone with a more compatible lifestyle. I commend him for seeing them most weekends.

He says that it makes more sense to do it first or last thing in the day so it doesn't take up the main part of the day in case "we" want to do anything with the kids. My argument is why does that get prioritised? They are his children, I will see them when I'm there but I don't want to prioritise the main part of a day on a weekend for something I don't particularly want to do. I need time out. I have my own life outside of his family. I have two horses so I need the time. I'm not a morning person so when I've worked a long mentally draining week, I don't want to get up stupidly early just to cram in my time with them at the crack of dawn to make sure I'm available to sit around with his kids all day.

He says that this is what he would do if it was the other way round but I'd never ever expect him to do his things early or late so that he is around to spend time with my children if I had any! My horses were here first but he expects me to prioritise his children.

You don't really get a break if you have kids. Step or not. That's the reality of it really.