Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

This dude is giving me rage! HIS kids should be HIS priority!

Are all the children in the world his priority? No! Then what on earth is he going on about??

What an idiot!

My ex funnily enough has moved in with a childless woman with a house. This is him all over. He sees our child a little more ie 1 weekend a month and 2 weeknights now. I've found out the gf does the school runs etc. Doesn't surprise me. He's seen you coming mate

My horses were here first but he expects me to prioritise his children

Obviously he's going to prioritise his children.

That's normal.

You don't have to prioritise them, though.

Do your thing with your horses when it suits you.

He needs to see his children, but you don't.

He starts work very early in the morning. He wouldn't be able to do the school run. Yes, I've met her several times and get on fine.

You keep talking about what he wants and what he thinks. You get a choice; if you don't like it, say so and he can decide whether he wants to compromise or find someone else.

Cocklodger, that's made me laugh! No I'm not. I think the world of him, it makes things so much harder.

According to him, that's wrong! It needs to be the other way round now supposedly!

Honestly, I'm getting so angry and upset as I go on.

Reading your OP, I expected a lot more hours.

They're his kids FFS.

Not everyone is suited to be a step parent. And it's no shame in that but it's important to recognise it and walk away instead of denying children time with their dad.

@NellyElly1

his kids are his priority but they do not need to be your priority because they are not your kids. End of.

id dump him op.

he doesn’t respect you .

In terms of time with kids, there are 2 separate issues here OP.

1. The time they spend with their Dad - well in an ideal world that should be 50% of their life, because he is one of their 2 parents.
2. The time they spend with you - that should be your choice, after discussion as a couple about what works for you.

When you live with someone who has kids, you can't opt out of step-parenting completely, but you shouldn't have to put in as much time and effort as the actual parent.

Sorry, that's nonsense.
If he was a single parent, he'd have to make work fit round the children.

Women compromise their work and careers all the time for their children. Men should do so, too.

How do I approach this? What do I even say? I feel like everything I say just basically translates to him like "I don't like the children and don't want them around so I'm going to spend all day out doing my own thing like I'm single with no responsibilities".

Why do you think the world of him when he sees you as his skivy?
He is just using you for your home and trying to guilt/manipulate you into being his childcare option with sex on tap.

He is not a nice man or a good dad.

Get him out of your house and start living your life the way you want to, not the way some areshole with no prospects to even house his own children wants you to because it suits him and him alone.

You don't need to do that

He can have some time with his own children without you having to be there.

However much the kids like you they might want their dad on their own sometimes

But why don't you have a 'normal' eow arrangement?

I've never denied them time with their dad?

They all moved into MY home that I pay for, actually...

And he wants you there to help him parent his kids when he has them?

Saw you coming didn't he? No wonder you're pissed off.

Don't change a damn thing about your hobbies. They're all already in your house - what more does he want? If he has to parent his kids by himself, I wonder how keen he'll be to have them every weekend...

You are being a complete mug. He sounds manipulative. He should spend lots of time with his kids but there is no reason you should.
I think you rushed into this situation too quickly.

I think the problem here OP isn’t that he has his kids too much, it’s that there is the expectation that every minute the kids are there you have to be involved.

He doesn’t have his kids enough really as he should do 50/50. BUT as you say, they are his kids. He can and should spend time with them alone, they may even prefer that as then they get their dad’s 100% attention. It might be worth speaking to him and explaining that actually you’ll do some of the activities but that starting now you’re going to do your things when you want to do them, that’s not unreasonable. Tbh after only 18 months together I don’t think it’s right that you be involved with them in everything they do anyway and personally if I was him I’d like to have some time on my own to dedicate to my children considering he doesn’t seem them as much anyway

That I pay for, just to reiterate.

If I carry on as I was before, spending my weekend how I want, he will just say I might as well be single.

Was literally about to reply with exactly this. This is why wraparound exists…or why you organise a flexible working arrangement with your employer because you’re a single parent who has their kids 50% of the time….

It sounds like you’re on different pages-he’s maybe not been straight with you but also the reality of being a step parent has perhaps become more apparent. Some difficult conversations need to be had-that resentment will just keep growing

Then you need to disabuse him of those thoughts

You are not his ex, they are not your children and he doesn't get to impose his lifestyle on you

You've already done a lot

He may be a cocklodger (and frankly it sounds a lot like it).

Or he may be a devoted Dad who wants to spend as much of his free time as he can with his children, thinks the world of them, and can't understand why you don't feel the same way, and wants to recreate the sort of content nuclear family with two loving parents that the kids and he would have had if he and his ex had stayed happily together. None of that would make him a bad person. In fact it would make him a very good person. BUT ITS NOT THE LIFE YOU WANT!!!

So either he needs to recognise that you want a different version of step mothering, one where you are happy to spend some time with them but don't want to be their second mother. That would mean you get to do your hobbies etc when you want to, etc. Or you need to break up or at least have them move out and just date him when he's not with the kids.

You are 30. I

I think this relationship is going to ultimately make you very unhappy.

You're only 30 and already sacrificing your own time and hobbies to create a "little family" that you don't want. Imagine ten years down the line, when you're 40, and you've sacrificed even more, when you've gone through the teenage years with kids who aren't your own, when they're at their most selfish but need you the most.

You're settling because you like this man even though you're uneasy that he's basically forcing you into a setup you don't want.

As someone who is a step mum to a now 24 year old, I'd urge you to very strongly think about this. These are the best days of your life and you're tethered when you never intended to be. Either you take a stronger stance about your role with the children, or you spend your life compromising, always to your detriment and his and their benefit.

But he's appropriating too much of yours

Does he not know how to parent on his own?

and would the mum be able to duck out of the school run on that basis? he sounds awful.