Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Sorry just to check on this-he is paying half towards the rent or mortgage plus other household costs right???

He can disagree on his way out the door with his bags ! I don't even prioritise my own child all the time. My dh minds ds so I can meet my friends, in fact in two weeks time I'll be gone for an entire day at an event with my friends and dh will have ds.
This guy is feeding you a line to control you. He doesn't want to deal with his children by himself. He sounds like a controlling cocklodger. I know it sounds cliche but it's time to put yourself first here.

Fucking hell OP. First thing you need to do is read thread after thread on here of young women who meet subpar fathers, move them in to their home and for some unfathomable reason allow said subpar man and his children to dictate her time and very often money. It happens over and over again.
All you need to do is be kind and welcoming to his children, that's it. Nothing more. Go do your thing, live YOUR life and do not allow him to dictate a damn thing to you.
You are young, haven't been with him long but trust me, in a couple of years time you will regret this and then struggle to get rid of him. Do not waste your best years on him.
The next time he has the fucking cheek to tell you what you should be doing tell him to Fuck. Off.
These men never miss a beat do they?

I think he saw you coming tbh. As soon as he thinks you are sufficiently "bonded" with them, he will edge out of his time with the kids and leave them with you. You are providing him with a home, family support and eventually you will be a free nanny with benefits. If he wants to spend time with his kids, that is great. And when/if you are around its appropriate for you to get along with them and do things together. But why would your constant presence be required? His ex was expected to be on call 24/7 with no life of her own - perhaps that's why she's an ex?

You are not their mother - you can't be expected to be at hand to make his workload lighter when they are staying with him.
The shared parenting has been agreed between him and the mother, not you and him and the mother.
Quite impressive that he lectures you about what is expected of a parent (again, you are not a parent) when he can't provide a roof over their heads.
You are being taken for a ride OP.

You chose to date and get involved with a man that has children,

however there is no need for the ' we have to have family time ' they are his children so he can look after / play with / meal shop and prep / entertain them / take them out.

you do not need to be available to be around.

Unless that is actually what you are saying (and based on your post I don't imagine it is) then he is twisting your words to suit his purposes.

You need to may some clear points and set an expectation for him to take them at face value -

• I love you and I would like to make this relationship work
• I enjoy spending time with you and your children and I care for them deeply because I know how important they are to you.
• I value the time we spend together alone.
• I also need time to enjoy my hobbies independently.
• This is what I am prepared to commit to [lay out a schedule that you are happy with in terms of time spent with the kids and time spent to enjoy your horses].

Then leave it with him to decide if that's a compromise he is prepared to make - do not let him twist your words or blackmail you into something you don't want.

Do not let him conflate the two issues of how much time HE should spend with his kids (as much as he can) and how much time YOU need to spend with his kids (as much or as little as you want).

Good luck OP - I think you need to regain some control of the situation, you sound like this life is happening to you.

To be honest I would not be happy with changing my routine to accommodate his kids to the extent you do, so don't.

They will want time alone with him and you can crack on.

I would probably revise your living situation though so he can have space with the kids - get him to move out

Seems like you’re doing all the compromising here OP! In my mind you should just get on and do your hobby when it suits you, join in the ‘family’ stuff some of the time of course too, but yes make time for yourself on a weekend. The dad should be capable of looking after his kids solo!

he will just say I might as well be single

Does that mean he's only interested in you if you give up all your own outside interests to parent his children?

He doesn't see you as an individual your own right, does he? How dare he talk such rubbish to you when he's living in YOUR house?

I know you say you think the world of him but honestly he sounds like an emotionally manipulative, cocklodging bellend. He went from his martial home to mummy and daddy's to yours. So he's never properly been a single parent with his own place and looked after his kids by himself? Hmmm. Yet he's Dad Of The Year?

As someone said upthread, he wants a free house and a step mum in a box.

There is literally nothing in this set up for you as far as I can see. Is he spectacular in bed or something? If you really think this is the best you can do, you need to really work on your self esteem.

Even parents who share children don’t spend every waking moment all together.

the parents individually have the children so the other parent can do hobbies and relax and also the parents spend time together just as a couple.

he sounds like he literally wants you to slot into replacing his ex wives role of always being there with him whether that’s because he’s lazy and doesn’t want to parent alone or for other reasons it’s not healthy.

He wants you to take on all this responsibility and behave as though you are the mother of the kids and drop everything else to prioritise this new family time. Sounds to me very much like he needed somewhere to live and someone to take over the role his ex wife played when they were together. At least he’s been basically upfront about it and that he expects you to co parent with him.

That isn’t what you want. He’s said that is what he expects. He’s already using manipulative tactics and guilt tripping you over the kids.

Just sounds like a bad fit and a role you don’t want and should not feel obliged to take. Let him go and find someone who wants that sort of step mother role, it’s ok that you don’t.

Totally agree
No man falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live.

A year and a half 🚩
This is not working for you
You are 30
This man is dictating what you can and cant do
Ask him to leave

You've explained it much better than me.

That is basically what he wants and doesn't understand why I wouldn't want it too. His kids are his entire world, he would have them full time if he could and obviously wants me to feel the same.

He needs to understand that I'll spend the odd weekend day together with them or take the time out for days out but I will be using the time how I want to going forwards without him being offended and saying I'm selfish.

I would get that if I was their mother, obviously it's different and I would be the same as him so it would be a bit weird if I didn't want that. Is it wrong or acceptable for the step parent to have more rights with their time?

I don't think it's the kids that are a problem here. It's the Dad.

Several times you've quoted times where he's literally told you how you should think and/or behave. You dont have to agree with his views of family time. Yes the kids are obviously HIS top priority and it's understandable that he wants you all to get along as a family BUT that doesn't mean you don't get time to do what you want as well.

You asked somewhere above how do I tell him that - or similar. Are you worried about standing your ground with him?? If so that's a massive red flag on its own. He's your partner - you should be able to have an open and honest discussion with him about how you feel about time with his children. Work out a schedule that works for you both. So he gets as much time with them as he can - but you join in for an amount of time that suits you - as well as make time for your horses.

As others have said - these children are young - you have years (potentially decades) of this to come. If you don't get your voice heard and some boundaries put in place now then eventually you'll get so resentful the relationship will fail.

You have said you love this guy - but have you ever heard this saying "No one falls in love faster than a man with no where to live?" I think he took advantage of your housing and now your keeness and generosity has turned round to bite you.

Sit down with him tonight - talk to him about how YOU feel. don't let him brush you off with what he thinks - your voice is as important as his - he doesn't get to tell you what you must do.

This nailed it.

You are only 30 years old. The world is before you? Why on earth tie yourself down in this manner?!

I would throw him out tbh. He needs to go back to his parents home .
Sorry Op, he is using you for somewhere to lay his head and look after his two kids.
You have only been with this man for eighteen months and he has moved in with you and expects you to spend time with HIS kids.
You aren’t even married so why should there be any expectation?

As usual an issue where your partner wants you to share the parenting load because it makes his life easier
and your life harder
kids are there to spend time with their dad, not with you
do what you want at weekends - his weekend focuses on his kids not yoirs
the expectation from these dads is crazy
but giving in and becoming his support staff is just as mad

and if you can't hear to separate you should live separately
So he can pay for his own kids
what a selfish arsehole he is

You can ask him to move out op and still date ( I wish you wouldn't though ) tell him this has moved too fast for you and you need your space back.
There's no reason he needs to live with you and bring his kids over to date.

@NellyElly1 'Is it wrong or acceptable for the step parent to have more rights with their time?'
Do you not understand that your time is your own to do as you wish - he doesn't get to dictate what you can and can't do with it.
You sound like a nice person, but he doesn't.
If his children were his whole world he wouldn't need to have you around 100% of the time they are with him. He would know what to do and he wouldn't resent it.
Step back and think about what you are doing with your life.

You need to decide how much of the weekend you are going to reclaim for yourself, your horses etc and then sit down with him and tell him clearly that is what you are doing. If he continues to insist you are selfish and should be doing otherwise, it is time to reconsider him living in your home

OP please find a man that doesn’t have kids. This set up just isn’t for you.

The hours he has them are not enough at all but the division is perhaps a bit strange and inconsistent. He has them 140.5 hours out of 840 available in a 5 week period. Thats just about one sixth of the time.

But you shouldn’t’ be ‘paying the same either way’ - he should be paying a big chunk of the living expenses to cover himself and the children. Or am I missing something?

But why would you feel the same as him? They're not your children! Most people with children would balk at the thought of living with someone else's children!

You don't even want children at the moment. If you don't want your own, why would you want his?

There have been so many threads like this, OP, and I wasn't a bit surprised to hear he moved into your place and is now telling you what to do. It was no surprise to learn you're paying for everything.

Honestly, I would end the relationship. He's a user. He might be charming and funny and good in bed, but he's manipulative and determined not to let you live your own life.

You can do so much better than this. In fact I think living alone would be a thousand times better than this.