Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

There is nothing to work out. He wants you and his children to be a blended family. You don't to be a family with his children. Those two wants are not compatible. If he wants a stepMUM for his children, he needs to go find one. If you don't want the inconvenience of children, you need to find a man who doesn't have children.

We all know!

Do you really want to continue in a relationship with a man who would react to your very reasonable boundaries by flouncing?!

If you feel inclined to give him another chance at least you’ll be on the lookout for the abusive behaviour now, but honestly don’t waste your time. You don’t want to be a mum, find someone who doesn’t have/want kids and live a free and simple life!

The blame has started.
"It's always you bringing things up"
"It's always you that seems to have problems when I just try and get on with life"

Oh and now he's saying he tries so hard but it's not good enough. Hmm I obviously don't do anything!

I've been watching from the sidelines as you have had an incredible amount of good support so far. That should tell you how bad this man is for you as it's rare to see a 1000 post relationship thread.

Do not take him back. Do not work on this relationship. Why? You have already been diminished and nearly broken by him up to now (we can see that from over here) but if you take him back he will find new and cruel punishments to finish off breaking you. I also agree with pp, I really do think he was harming the cats when you weren't there. Cat deterrents INSIDE a house? They emit frequencies that hurt a cats ears/brains so they avoid that area. He was already physically hurting them with that. You might want to think he was gentle in moving them but I suspect many a kick was aimed their way. Don't have him back in your house for their safety if you have a wobble.

You can do this, you are nearly at the finishing line

Stay strong @NellyElly1 .
Of course he wants to try again - it's the free accommodation, childcare and sex.

There’s nothing to work out. You are just fundamentally incompatible.

You don’t want kids: he has small kids that he needs to prioritise.
You have cats: he hates cats
You have hobbies: he doesn’t like you having hobbies
You want to see your family: he doesn’t want you to see your family
You (presumably) would like to be in an equal relationship: he wants to sponge off you and has no intention of paying his way.

None of these things are ever going to change, or if they do, one of you will
end up resentful.

He moved his kids in WAY too soon so if this is disruptive for them that’s on him. And far far better you end it now than later when they are more attached to you. Because it will end eventually, for all the reasons above.

Tries so hard by doing.... what exactly?

He doesn't contribute financially to a home in which you are raising HIS children (albeit part time).

He doesn't like you having your own hobbies and you should be spending all your spare time with him and HIS children.

He doesn't let you have your family round to your own home.

He has treated your cats appallingly.

He has threatened you multiple times.

Tell him you need space for a week and then block him. Enjoy that peace, the quiet, the freedom, and realise you could have it all the time. Don't be dragged into the blame game as he will be a master at it.

Just block him now he's physically out.

Please don't go back he sounds like a narcissist. I have read all your posts. You are a lovely person you deserve to be happy but not with him. Stay strong don't let him rule you. Say bye I know its hard I have been there myself xx ❤️

Block that fucker - no not engage, do not have a conversation, do not allow him back

continue with your therapy

YOU ARE FREE

So he only has them for one full weekend from what you have put. The other weekends it’s 24 hours plus a whole weekend off every 4-5 weeks. Seems pretty piss poor to me.
However, I do sympathise with you, I do suggest you do your own thing more or leave the relationship. Please do not try to encourage him to have them less.

RTFT

Op I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

I Know someone who went through an almost identical situation, her partner lived with his parents and then moved in with her and the kids were thrown into all of that too. It didn’t end well, it became very bitter as he was financially dependent on her and he started going out while the stepmum had the kids. It ended with him going back to his parents,, she had counselling and the kids are now in counselling too after seeing all the arguments.

All I can say is that you deserve far far better, someone that hears you, respects your opinions and allows you to be you and pursue your interests. You don’t deserve to be forced into living a life that isn’t making you happy. As hard as it is, especially when you love him please move on. Just imagine what life will be with someone who you love and embraces you and your needs too.

Well done @NellyElly1 . You've done the right thing.

@Lollipop81 , did you not realise that the thread is at 39 pages and that it might be an idea to read th updates?

This. Just stop. Drop the rope and get counseling. Do not jump into yet another relationship.

I know this will be hard but you should block him . And change your locks.

He sounds selfish tbh.
Anyway, he doesn't get to dictate what you do with your time.
In your position, I'd stop discussing it and just do what you want ,
" I'm off to the stables now, see you later".
And by the way, that schedule looks completely unreasonable. If you didn't agree it, weren't involved in negotiating it, then why should you go along with it? I'd spend at least every other Saturday going out with friends. You're not married to this guy, and even if you were, it doesn't mean that you should behave like some 1950s housewife. These children are not yours. However close you might get to them, however much you put yourself out, be aware that if you split it up with their father, you will probably not see them again.
Your horses are your responsibility, his children are his.
I'd be telling him the schedule doesn't work for you, maybe he can have the children at his mums at least one weekend a month.Dont let him think he is the boss of you.

Can I just ask, why did he split up with the children's mother?

I've not read all the comments but I'm pretty sure in most families, they aren't glued at the hip all weekend, step children or not. Weekends are for taking kids to respective clubs, doing our own hobbies and the children tagging along or not, the odd family gathering, getting chores done, maybe occasionally a day we can all spend together if we're lucky! I think your OH is being unreasonable if he expects you to be there the whole time. But in a non-step family he'd get time off from the kids as well...

@NellyElly1 Would you like to start a new thread as this one is running out of space? You're doing great but he's not going to make it easy: we are here for you.

I think it’s massively in his interest to get the relationship back on track but he’s shown you what he expects it to be like, I can’t see that changing.
This isn’t your fault. Get his stuff to him, change the locks and block. Severing ties quickly will be best I feel otherwise he will try to wear you down and get back into your life.

DARVO. Classic, more textbook abuse. So glad he’s doing this now though, the other extreme is him totally love bombing you, proposing and then falling back into this shit when he’s got you back where he wants you. This is actually better as he’s showing you that he doesn’t feel bad at all about how things have gone, he thinks it’s all your fault. It isn’t.

He's woken up at his parents and of course it's not his fault at all that he's incapable to provide for his children or have a healthy relationship with a woman.
He's desperate, thrashing around trying to push your buttons. You've been trying to make it work so much that he can't believe you haven't caved in yet.
Do not engage with his stupid, irrational arguments, it gives him footholds into your head space. He's had every opportunity to make this work and chose not to.
But this is between us.
To him I would say anything to get rid, including agreeing that he and his children deserve better. What do you think?

You're 100% correct that he only wants to work things out because he wants somewhere to live and to freeload off you again. He's now shitting himself that you're standing up to him. Please please don't cave. He won't change. I say this as someone who divorced a narcissist 13 years ago and he still hasn't changed according to our grown up daughter.