Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

You both have conflicting views on the core foundation of your relationship. This isn't going to go well and what is worse there are two children who are going to have their world turned upside down.

The reality is the children may decide to live with their father more as they get older, you don't sound like that will suit . You really need to re-evaluate your relationship as you don't really seem happy. The children are not going anywhere for you to twenty years is that the future you want?

I'd be telling him that the set up isn't working and he needs to find somewhere else he can live with his children. And pay for himself! Stay in the relationship if you like (while living apart) but it really does look like he is taking advantage of you.

Parents with shared children have their own hobbies and don’t spend ALL their free time together as a family. So why is he expecting this of you, they’re not even your children. If you want to go out and spend four hours with your horses, that’s what you do! Your dps demands that you spend all your time with him and the kids when they are there make me uneasy.

I have said this before on step parent threads but you've got to be impressed with how easily these men recruit new Nannie's for their kids and then get the nanny to provide financially too

OP please find a man that doesn’t have kids. This set up just isn’t for you

This set up wouldn't (or shouldn't) be for anyone!

Tell him he’s got to start looking after your horses more, because you’re a UNIT now after all…

My OH has his DD every other weekend (from after school Friday until going to school Monday morning), every Wednesday night overnight (from school pick up Wed to going to school Thursday) and he gets half the school holidays. We don't live together so the weekends he has her I tend not to see much of him unless she's out at friend's or we might all do dinner together one evening.
I wouldn't be keen on your arrangement but if you got into the relationship knowing this......

@NellyElly1

He wants, he thinks, he expects. Bullshit. I have two (now grown) children and my life didn't change as much when they were born as this man seems to think yours should for children you didn't even birth or adopt.

He was looking for a 'nanny with a fanny' and he found one, albeit a resentful one, didn't he? He expects you to be there whenever he has the DC because it either smooths his way and/or takes some of the work away. Even if he just wants you there watching him 'perform' that's still taking away from your life. Take time to think about what you are doing vs what he is doing when they are there. He should be doing the majority of the 'work'; entertaining, fixing meals, cleaning up after, etc. Is he? Or does he expect you to 'perform' too?

As far as him saying 'if it was the other way', well, it isn't. It's easy to say "I would XYZ" if one knows one is never going to be called on to actually perform, isn't it? So throw that argument right out the window. Because his "I would" means nothing next to your "I don't want to" because he'll never "have to".

You aren't happy. So why are you so concerned about keeping the relationship? Any relationship should add to our life, not take away from it. And yours is taking away your hobby/me time, your 'couple time', and your home (as you had it).

But bottom line is though, he's not going to change. He's in a self-righteous mode as to your 'duties' because it works for him. And so far it is working for him, isn't it? So you can (and should) go ahead and declare what you are going to do from now on, but don't expect him to give up his easy 'vision'. And expect to be told you don't 'love' his kids and how you are 'sub par' because you aren't jumping wholeheartedly into his vision for his life. You need to decide if you want to continue sacrificing your life for that vision.

Listen, I get that some women are ecstatic about a 'ready made family' and jump into stepmum role with pleasure. But some don't, and that's OK too. Some men expect 'instant mum' from their partners, others are content to let her find her own way and her own level of involvement. The problem comes when the 'twain never meet'. Each person has the right to decide what they want in their relationships. But if they aren't in agreement, it's best to call time.

Frankly, I never dated men with children and your situation is a big reason why. I waited until I met a man who wanted to build a family with me.

I think it's a lot. While PPs are saying it could be 50/50 it seems you are having them most weekends which means you are not getting any free time if you work Monday to Friday. It would be more fair to split weekends and weekdays.

We had a similar set up when my stepchildren were young in that we had them most weekends and it was hard as we didn't have any free weekends.

It is harder when they are not yours. I have my own children now and happily have them all the time however there were other factors involved and ultimately they are his children so if it is not working you should not be with him.

I think asking to switch up weekdays and weekends is not unreasonable but you shouldn't ask him to see them less.

I call it "a nanny with a fanny." Crass but apt in so many cases.

I wanted time alone with my dad. Never got it as 'she' was always there. No offence but they need time with their dad without you. Every kid does.

You need time to relax with your horses.

Seems like both these things are compatible.

Honestly, I'd suggest you tell him that. That you need down time, the horses need more schooling and attention, and he should have the kids alone sometimes as they need their dad without you regularly. You're not their mum. You don't want to try and replace her.

He should have them 50/50. He should be giving you money as he's cocklodgered into your home. He's not the great dad you think he is.

I think I'd dump and move on tbh. The kids would love staying with their granny. If he doesn't that tough. He prob didn't give her any digs money either....

Exactly! Nanny with benefits and he doesn’t even have to pay her!

OP you replied to my earlier post and you don’t even want kids. Go off into the sunset with your horses and find a man who is actually on the same page.

No idea what you see in this guy because everything you’ve said about him suggests he’s an utter knob.

The reality is the children may decide to live with their father more as they get older, you don't sound like that will suit . You really need to re-evaluate your relationship as you don't really seem happy. The children are not going anywhere for you to twenty years is that the future you want?

I get the impression that the OP might not even mind the kids being there more as long as he is the one doing the heavy lifting of parenting.

The real problem is not the kids or how long they're there. The problem is him using his kids to emotionally blackmail OP into doing his bidding - on her own dime, I might add - in order to make his life easier.

Fuck. That.

I agree, this is what I have seen with divorced couples most of the time

Well what's 'normal' for many dads is no time off at all as they live with their DC. So really given its possible he could at some point be required to do that, that's your start point and you work from there. If that fills you with horror, then he isn't the man for you. As unlikely as it may seem, due to children's wishes or their mother's situation that or close to it is where you could end up. As a parent, I wouldn't think your current arrangement is too much at all to have my children, and if he's a good dad, neither will he.

His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not

They are. They are his children, and since you decided to move in with someone who has children they have a right to stay there 100% of the week if they want. They have a right to their parent.

You are not compatible. You really should leave for everyone’s sake.

Op

This sounds difficult- in the kindest possible way just simply end it. You deserve better than this set up. You are sacrificing far too much in the name of love!

It is normal but I can understand you want to have some time to yourself, with your husband. People who have a child feel like that.

It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to have a weekend off every so often. You could compensate in other ways, as you suggested, have them an extra night in the week here and there.

What I can tell you is it is different as they get older, have more of a social life, hobbies or whatever, and want to do their own thing with their friends.

You sound as though you are very conscientious about step-parenting and that is to your credit, however everyone needs a break, just as we need a break from work sometimes.

Talk it over again with your husband and with the children's mother. They must surely understand. It won't be forever.

Take care of yourself and all the best.

"he will just say I might as well be single"

This doesn't even make any sense. How can your entire relationship revolve about one 24 hours every week? Does he just power down and cease to be your partner until the kids arrive? I suspect not.

I'd suggest if he's seeing the quality of your relationship based solely on your presence with him and his kids once a week, there isn't much there at all. Sorry if that's brutal.

I'm stealing Nanny with a fanny, sorry but that's hilarious and so apt.

But you still do it.

Um, they moved in with her. They aren't married and apparently she's paying the bills. So no, they have no 'right' to be there. And as far as their 'right' to their parent, then he needs to get his own place with room for them.

I do agree though, that they are not compatible. But the person to be leaving is him.

They are his children, and since you decided to move in with someone who has children they have a right to stay there 100% of the week if they want.

Do they? Even if it's OP's house and she pays for everything?

They have a right to their parent.

OP is not denying them that. He, however, has NO right to dictate what OP does with her time because he is their parent.

I was fully prepared to say YABU but looking at your updates, I actually think YANBU.

It sounds like it's not really about the amount of time the children are there, but more that it's mostly weekends - and perhaps more significantly, his expectations of you during the weekends when they're around.

It's not remotely fair or acceptable for him to say that you need to be around whenever the kids are there because he wants to do everything 'as a unit'. They're not your kids. You play a role in their lives, as their dad's partner - and yes, I'm sure that sometimes you absolutely will want do fun things with them - but you are not their mum and you don't have to be part of the 'unit' if you don't feel that's right for you. You do not have to be there glued to their father just because he thinks you should.

To be honest, even if they were your own kids it would be weird and unreasonable for him to expect you both to be there with them all the time every weekend. It's very normal in millions of families for one parent to take themselves off to do something alone while the other parent has the kids. Dad has the kids while Mum does her marathon training run, or Mum has them while Dad plays cricket or whatever.

Why should op leave her own home?
Would you?