Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

They all moved into MY home that I pay for, actually...

Well, then maybe you need to ask him to move out. He needs to focus on his family.

I'm 30. I've been with him a year and a half.

I don't do all the cooking and cleaning or organising. He takes full responsibility. Obviously I'm there to look out for them, make sure they are safe and happy and spend time with them but he is in charge of the main care.

You are young, do you really want this life?

The problem is you're not looking at you and DP as separate people.

He should have them 50% of the time if you want things to be fair and he has them significantly less than that so he definitely isn't having them too much, not enough of anything.

You should have just as much involvement with them as you enjoy/want. It's perfectly understandable to not want to spend every weekend with someone else's kids. Even people who have kids don't want to see other people's kids every weekend.

Talk to your DP about how you can have a family morning/afternoon each weekend, but the rest of the time he can enjoy quality time with his kids and you can enjoy quality you time.

4 and 8. She works part time and is off in the holidays. OH takes some time off in the holidays to have them too.

Apparently I do need to spend the majority of my time with them though so I can continue building a relationship and bond with them.

Got to say OP I’m finding it hard to reconcile you describing yourself as a ‘step mom’ in one breath along with everything else you’ve posted. Step mom does sort of imply a parenting role, and ‘family’.
Wot’s the deal with all this? Where was your partner living before he moved in with you? Was there no discussion around how your place invariably becomes the children’s family home when they’re there?
Feel like there might be a backstory here…

This is not the relationship for you. Their mum deserves a break too. What would happen if anything happened to her? You'd be a full time parent. I never understand women who get involved with a man with kids and then complain about it.

Where did he live before he moved in with you? How long have they been living with you?

You’ve only been with him a year and a half and he’s moved in with his kids? How long had you been together when he introduced you to the kids?

This all seems very fast and not in anyone’s best interests except your partner’s.

He is the problem here - he can’t expect you to be around for the entirety of the time he has his kids. If they are all living in your house you will of course have opportunities to bond with them.

Just do exactly what you want at the weekends and if he doesn’t like it he can move out.

Sounds like he jumped into a new relationship when he still had a toddler and very young child who were still coping with their parents' breakup.

Did he ever have his own separate home to have them at? In between the marriage and your relationship?

If not, that's pretty fishy.

Personally I think you should end the relationship. You want completely different things and at 4 and 8 you have a long hard slog until they’re adults.

The issue is compounded by his wanting you all to play happy families. You aren’t their mum. You don’t want to be a mum! So you’re not going to feel the same way about them as he does. A subtlety that has passed him by (or he has chosen to ignore).

No one should end up parenting who doesn’t want to parent.

You’re young and seem to know what you want in life. Why not find someone else where your lives and goals are aligned?

So you would like for him to reduce time with his children for a girlfriend of 18 months?

Sorry, but the kids come first. And if you are struggling with him being a hands on dad, walk away before they sense the resentment clearly there.

Thinking about this OP, you need to ditch him.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You should be having fun right now, not parenting someone else’s children. You could easily find someone else and perhaps have your own kids with them down the line if that’s what you both want, and in the meantime you’d be able to do all the amazing things that kids get in the way of - weekend lie ins, lovely holidays, unlimited time for yourself and friends and hobbies (I say this as a parent!).

It really doesn’t sound like this guy is bringing anything to the table.

Why is he dictating what you can do with your life in your home to fit around his children?

You are 30, after a year and a half you have given it an honest try and it doesn't sound like you are happy at all. Don't make the next 14 years of your life this miserable.

The reason I said it's my home is because the PP implied that I moved into their already established home. I didn't.
I welcomed them into mine because he had been living at his parents house for a little while after the divorce so it made sense.
I changed half my home to accommodate them. Created a lovely bedroom for the kids, got lots of toys, dress up stuff etc to make them feel welcome and to never feel like I had to when I stayed at my dad's when I was a child after my parents separated.

I don't mind spending time with them, I care for them like I am their parent when I am with them but I've also been made to feel like I have no choice on this. I'd understand I didn't have a choice if they were mine but they are not and I still had my own life and commitments before this. I have changed everything, I barely spend any time to myself anymore, I spend a lot of money to keep my horses that I don't spend as much time with now because I rush them to be there for the kids. I've turned my whole life upside down to accommodate them and I've suddenly gone, hang on a minute, they are his children, I need space, why am I not allowed to have my time anymore?

who is saying this?

I think he is the issue here, how does he get to monoplise your home and your life and your time? Of course you entitled to have your own hobbies and responsibilities outside the home - I mean what if you had ill parents would he stop you going to see them cos its family weekend. I don't think this relationship is for you. He seems to have the majority of his time at weekends which is also wrong - it should be split so weekday and weekend time is split between both families which would impinge alot less. Off course you are entitled to a lay in day - they are NOT your kids, a relationship with them - fine, doesn't mean your life revolves around them etc.

I think you need to reconsider the whole thing and maybe find someone without that sort of responsibility already

You mean throw him out. They have moved into her house but yes she should if it isn't the life sge wants.

I've come to terms with the fact I'm reasonably certain I don't want children of my own which makes it a bit harder as it's not my sort of lifestyle but I am trying, I've done nothing but try to adapt everything for them.

I love him so much. I want this to work but I'm feeling very stuck and restricted and I'm scared I'm going to become resentful.

They are his children, not yours.

Yes it’s nice for you occasionally to do stuff together but you shouldn’t be made to feel that every second the children are at yours you have to dedicate to them.

Start doing more for yourself during the time they are at your house.

I am told by him that we are a unit now though so my things come second basically. We are not separate people in this.

He's used to his ex/BM being around all the time with no outside interests. That's not me, I'm still my own person. How have I suddenly become a unit with no choices on my own time?

Sounds like you've got the raw deal here. You're only 30. he saw you coming op. He was homeless and then within 18 months he's moved into your house and expects you to be available for his kids. It's not the life I'd want but only you can decide.

In my opinion the schedule is weird also, I don't really understand it. Why can't he have them for a full weekend EOW with more overnight stays during the week.