Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Do you see op how he behaved EXACTLY in the way we all said he would.

Flounce to manipulate and gaslight and get you to capitulate to exactly what he wants.

It's all part of the script, part of the plan.

It's so difficult for you op, because you wanted this to work so so much, that lots of your brain doesn't want to accept it.

But the wise ladies of mumsnet can see it a mile off, they've often experienced it, and we'll do our damndest to help support awesome women who find seeing the abuse so so difficult.

He will be absolutely expecting now to sit tight a few days, and wait for you to message him with an apology, and possibly offer him one of the things he wants. Your cats gone maybe. Maybe the horses. And he won't be grateful, it's what his expectations are.

Stay strong op. You'll need to be. He won't let go of his free house and meals very easily, and he knows how vulnerable you are.

I’m really glad to see you’re staying strong - well done!! You will find that if you keep going with your boundaries and doing what is right for you he will soon be a distant memory and you’ll have gained so much strength and confidence and trust in yourself.

He’s pulling every trick he can but don’t fall for it - notice he’s trying every tactic EXCEPT to be a decent mutual partner capable of compromise.

Has he still got belongings in the house? I think you need a plan for them and to change locks asap.
Get his name off the council tax, I assume that’s the only bill that has his name on?

@NellyElly1 So glad he's gone. You've had your eyes opened.
If you feel yourself waivering, read back all your replies on this thread.
Stay strong & don't let him back.

@NellyElly1 did you change your locks? Please look after yourself.

I agree with a pp re blocking him , he has nothing to say that's worth hearing.

OP, I read a lot of threads but rarely post because the advice is usually pretty solid, as it overwhelmingly is here. You've done so well to get this far, but it seems like you're wavering. Can you block him? He'll suck you in if you keep engaging or even if you only read his messages which are designed to control you and have you doubt yourself.

Is it possible to book a removal firm to pack up his stuff and take it over to him? Or if it can be easily bagged up, you could do it yourself and hire a man in a van to deliver it.

Make a list of all his bad points and all the downsides of the relationship, then refer to it if you begin to waver. I know you have a therapist, but book a session with one who specialises in abuse. I once had therapy in the early stages of a relationship that was stressing me out. The therapist urged me to keep trying. I regret taking his advice as I was in the clutches of a narcissist.

Look up traits of a male narcissist. See if any of it applies to this man and your dad. You might be hardwired to put up with bad relationships because of your dad, but awareness is half the battle. Narcissists seek out kind, loving people to manipulate. They're often charming and have some good points, but they're never in the wrong and will always push any blame onto you.

Stay strong. You have so much going for you, but this man will suck the life from you.

Thank god you got rid. I was open mouthed reading about his reactions to the cats!
OP, I'm sorry you've gone through this but I hope you can take something positive from this and work on your boundaries and what a healthy relationship truly looks like.

Please do not let him back in.
Gather his stuff.
He is a very dangerous abusive man.

This is a user loser who is highly controlling.

He is not going to want to give up a free home where he controls and bullys you.

Your poor cats.

Please call the police and tell them you are afraid of him and ask for a marker to be put on your house.

Any hint of aggression, call the police.
Gather all their stuff together.

Change the locks.

You are going to be so much happier long term.

This is an abusive relationship.

Please continue to be Brave.

Please continue posting as much as you like and on a new thread.

We are here for you.

He just wants you to shut the fuck up and get back in the little box he created for you to live in.

Honestly @NellyElly1 I would spend money to send his stuff to his mums or his place of work, then block him. I promise you that when you look back on this, there won’t be an ounce of regret. Just a little annoyance at yourself that you didn’t end it sooner

I very much doubt she'll know the truth about this. I'm sure he's spun her some nonsense about the ex being unreasonable/abusive. Without speaking to the ex she's never going to know the real truth.

I've looked up loads of things on narcissist traits and done quizzes etc, he doesn't seem to be coming up as one on any of them.

@NellyElly1 this thread will fill up and close soon. Start a new one and let us know where it is so we can carry on supporting you.

Nelly the Elephant packed his trunk
And said goodbye to Cocklodger
Off he went with a trumpetytrump, trump, trump, trump.

I know the reason but it's completely irrelevant to any of this.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5132438-follow-on-thread

I have lived through this. The children are his not yours and although you are sharing your home with them whilst they are with you, you are not required to cook, clean up after them or entertain them. I can’t say whether this applies to you, but it is seen so often. We had my dhs children from Friday through Sunday every week. DH at first played football for a team on Sunday, which he couldn’t miss. Then he started helping out a mates band on a Friday night, so out all evening because it didn’t matter, the kids were in bed - but then he stayed in bed half of Saturday. Effectively I became the main carer. My advice, set your boundaries. Make them clear. You are not being unfair.

@Annielou67 it might be wise to read ALL of her posts. He's abusive, controlling and manipulative, and has left the home in an effort to make her feel everything is her fault. She needs to stay way from him.

some of us have lives 😂😂

This man has formed his way into YOUR home op, he has been manipulating you and been abusive, pushing your very reasonable boundaries, infact walking all over them AND threatened you more than once.

Do not let him back in to get his stuff.
Drop the rope and stop responding, it's over, doesn't atte rif he has gone back on what he said, it's over, you get to decide that.

Pack his crap up and leave it outside.

His not so subtle threats towards you are positively chilling.

Feels like the day breakdown could be adjusted. Assuming no one works on the weekends and you all live closely to each other and school. Could you - for example- have them Monday- Wednesday one week and then Thursday- Sunday the next week? That way weekends would be 50/50.

@FrogHoppingFreezer , you are posting on a 40 page long thread that has a follow-on thread. OP has split up from her partner.

You are amazing. He was calling your bluff saying he would move out and it was over because he expected you to cave. He wants you to provide a free home for him and his children and has been treating you and your lovely cats with utter contempt. He will do and say what he needs to to erode your boundaries. Get counselling for yourself or talk to your friends to build up your self-esteem and strengthen your resolve. You deserve a good, happy life with a man who wants the same out of life as you. He will find another mug.

Oops! Sorry.