Contact whilst we are on holiday with SDC

[Abby85]

This is unfortunately an area of tension between DP and I. This is not about me not wanting contact it’s about it being appropriate

DP and ex share their DC (55/45 to DP I think)

DP is rarely contacted when the DC are at mums house. DP doesn’t call them as he knows they are ok and busy living their life.

DP is contacted by mum every single day he has them, usually during breakfast when he is trying to get them ready for school and it’s often a video call. There is a lot of fighting that occurs between the DC during these calls and DP finds them disruptive and awkward (kids running around with a camera on while he is in his pants) and they make them late but he doesn’t want to not let them have contact. Sometimes he doesn't pick up if he doesn’t have time but the DC see/hear the phone so he usually has to answer it. I have usually left for work by this point.

when we are away on holiday she will call and text constantly expecting video calls. I was in a towel and came out of the bathroom during one call to find them in our room on a video call (fighting and crying) and I was very cross with DP that I had no warning and it was intrusive. Or we will be at a meal and eating.

I’ve asked DP to speak to ex about scheduling approximate times to video call on our upcoming holiday and then he can arrange for this time to be appropriate for everyone (and I can leave if I want to) but he doesn’t like doing this kind of thing. I’ve said it’s important to me - it’s my trip too, and it feels invasive. I am prepared to fall out with him if he answers a video call at an inappropriate time again tbh. Am I unreasonable about this expectation?

Thank you!!

No gotcha moment here, I speak the truth so any previous posts will be the truth. Yes I did have to fight to be heard and to have boundaries with his kids. Did i arguably have an easier time with it than others, maybe yea because eventually we’d have an agreement. He still however due to numerous arguments could not set boundaries with the ex and ironically it wasn’t his abuse which was my final straw it was him allowing his ex to make plans on our time without consultation with us and then him agreeing without consulting me despite me already making plans for all 4 of us. That just fucking tipped me after saying so many times before set the boundary. I realised my life was influenced far too much by his ex and he allowed it and I just couldn’t hack it anymore.

the realisation of the abuse came after I left and has been a lot to deal with, I’m receiving support and luckily I’m a strong woman so strangers reposting my darkest moments and almost minimising it ( had another poster tell me he was abusive because we were in a blended family 🤦🏼‍♀️) doesn’t affect me. I know my truth but I’d like to use my experience to help others who I can see and feel the struggle.

I only allow video calls in their room, for 10-15 mins. They aren’t allowed to wander the house on a video call. And it’s after tea before bed.

He behaves as he does because he doesn't care about your opinion and you put up with it.
He's a very poor father.

My DSS says the only time his mum does video calls is when he’s at our house 🙄 Quite clearly she just wants a nosey. He’s quite astute and holds the phone really close to his face so she doesn’t get to see much of our place 😜 When she asked to see DH’s mancave, DSS just told her that was weird.

This isn't about co-parenting, it's about control. Currently your DP is allowing his ex to control his time with the kids. Your DP can't control what the ex does only how he responds to it. My DH would and has previously blocked his ex when she tried to contact inappropriately. She used to email his numerous times a day, leave voicemails etc.

We recently took my DSD6 on holiday for 10 days. When her mum was dropping her off she told DSD to facetime her each Tuesday and Sunday, so 3 times during the holiday. Both DH and I were in agreement that that absolutely was not happening. We weren't having our holiday disrupted by her every couple of days. She is very high conflict, we do not get on at all and she is quite frankly a vile and nasty person. The facetimes would now be about staying connected with DSD but would be used as an opportunity to make passive aggressive comments and digs about me, DH, out choice of holiday location, activities, parenting style etc.

I told DH he should probably block her so she can't just call all the time and he didn't even hesitate to do so.

We agreed that we should ask DSD if she wanted to ring her mum just so we weren't bad mouthed by the ex when she went back to her mum's. DSD said she didn't want to call her mum so we left it at that.

OP, your DP needs to block his ex and either use a parenting app or set up a separate email account. She is completely disruptive and it's totally unnecessary and quite ridiculous.

Putting your ex before your partner is spineless. He should be more concerned about his partners comfort and happiness than his ex's ridiculousness. If he can't prioritise his partner he should never have gotten into a relationship.

I brought it up again and asked if he has said anything yet. He said he is planning to say to her don’t call us we will call you. I’m kind of fine with that it is better than nothing but I know he will just say it as a passing comment and not be direct about it. Then I followed it up that he should check with me before answering an incoming call cos she will not listen to this and do it anyway. He said he agreed. She will ask him outright before he leaves to call her frequently but then on her holiday with kids will go completely dark and off grid. I asked him why this didn’t annoy him he said it’s just about the kids not about him. She went on holiday without kids once and called DP every flipping day from her holiday. She rings him more than I do! I’ve already told him it feels like we are in a 3 way relationship it’s too much sometimes

This is not just his ex we also had to have another conversation about not agreeing to do things without checking with each other, and having a plan when we will leave somewhere as he is one of those people who is completely awkward at saying no or goodbye takes no hints from me and I always have to make some wild and obvious gestures of just standing up getting my bag and saying ok well we are off now…or sorry we have plans already

So any family dynamic is fine as long as it's chronic? lol

How hard is it to leave phones and Apple Watches in another room while you eat? It all sounds a bloody nightmare.

I said you left because you were in a blended family which wasn’t working. You say yourself that you only realised the abuse later. So I’m hardly wrong in my assumptions based on what you posted.

I suppose that we wear them as normal watches so you don’t usually take off your watch to eat food. We don’t have our phones at tables but we don’t live in a mansion so it’s easy to see the flash of a ringing phone light up or it vibrating in a room. Someone suggested we put our phones and watches in a bag, turn them off etc. I suggest that his ex calls less or checks first it’s suitable by text. I feel like that’s a far more rational solution than DP having to go on a tech lockdown every waking moment of his life. Some of these suggestions boggle the mind tbh. I don’t think it is too much for someone to have the self awareness/politeness not to harass someone by phone constantly. But yes, I agree mothers can do no wrong and DP is just a facilitator between a mum and her kids so this is our fault/cross to bear and tolerate ok. I’m not bothering with this thread anymore it’s fucked up!

(she left him fyi, and fucked off for over a year hardly seeing them and just popped round to visit them now and then to watch a movie, so DP felt uncomfortable and trapped in his own home till he asked her to sort something out on her own. She then tried to take him for 70% of their house if anyone wants more context).

But you can't just expect someone to do something because it's what you want or because it's a reasonable request. She clearly doesn't care about what's appropriate or reasonable. He needs to be the one who takes the action. He needs to block her.

@Illpickthatup yes. I believe in my opening post it was about DP. I expect DP to say something. What I am frustrated by is all of the suggestions of how to avoid her that cause major planning, or that somehow, we are just too stupid to work out how to thwart her intentions, or that I am some kind of evil stepmother. It goes completely off the point and gets very unhelpful

But from experience, DP saying something won't be enough. If she doesn't want to stop she won't. Just saying something to her isn't going to work. He needs to just block her. Much easier than remembering to switch off phones or putting a watch in a drawer every morning.

OP I empathise. My partner has a nightmare ex and unfortunately, nothing he said to her made any difference. Like your DP’s ex, she is emotionally dependent on the kids and the calls are for her benefit, not for the kids.

What I’m trying to say is your DP can set down all the rules he wants, the ex won’t be receptive if she’s depending on the calls to regulate her emotions.

The ‘do not disturb’ function is your friend. Especially on holiday.

Well as an update. DP was very good and he did listen to me. He made specific times of arrangements for two calls after checking with me and one time I went off and did something else or the DC were asked do the call at the table together. One call descended into chaos and I was featured on it but at least I was prepared and fully dressed. I also had tidied up because the DC took the phone on a tour of our accommodation as I assumed they might. DP stepped in and made them sit down at the table after a few mins. The content of the call was mum telling the DC she missed them and that she couldn’t wait for them to come home. That night the youngest kept crying. Why can’t she just tell them to have fun?

She text DP the moment we landed from the plane. She text DP nearly every day. He managed it well

Anyway the DC are now on holiday with her and there has been no contact for many days, and no reply to the ONE message DP has sent to her. No surprises at all there 🙄

Her constant calls and videos are so obviously not for the benefit of the children. In fact, your DP sees that they cause disruption and upset. For this reason alone he should switch his phone off.

More importantly, how can you stomach this circus for another ten years or more? Surely your DC must hate it, too?

My DC think it’s cringy. They would not like it if I did this to them when they were away from me. And I wouldn’t do it as I want them to have fun and know they are fine. Yes I miss them but it’s not about me.

She doesn’t seem to have much to say to her own kids apart from repeating she loves them x 100000 so no idea what they all talk about when we are not around 😂. It’s kind of how I speak to my dog when they have been extra good 👀 and the dog gets over excited

I am always polite. DP doesn’t really want to be pally with her, he is also polite and courteous but she is terrible for over stepping boundaries so this is why we have her at arms length and it’s for good reason.

I am at the conclusion none of this is malicious, she is just one of those socially awkward types who is clueless about boundaries, not very socially or emotionally intelligent either but DP had kids with her so it’s him I have an expectation of to put in some boundaries. And he is making progress. I’ve said no more morning calls and he agrees. It’s so stressful for everyone

Not at all unreasonable to set boundaries. No one wants anyone to be randomly on a video call when you have a right to privacy, let alone the ex husband/wife! Yes kids need to contact their parent but it can be on reasonable terms that don’t intrude on your own family time.

I don’t even know what to say about this now but after 2 weeks of no contact from exw or DC, DP had the DC returned to him as agreed and TWO HOURS passed before she asked for a video call. He had only just got them back and barely spent any time with them. On the call she told the DC she was crying as she missed them. She told DP that she didn’t get to say a proper goodbye so wanted another goodbye. These poor kids. I am embarrassed for them that an adult would do this. DP didn’t know she was going to say this but yet again, invading his time. He ignored all the messages until she started calling and asking for a proper goodbye. I feel like this is getting worse. She obviously can’t handle it but telling the DC mummy is crying over you is just not ok

She sounds incredibly selfish. These phone calls are not for the children they are for her. It’s emotionally blackmailing them.

Before they got back Dp started worrying about what to say to the DC if they asked why they hadn’t spoken to him. He doesn’t want them to think he doesn’t care. But her not contacting him might give off that impression. We agreed to say we know they were busy having a great time. DP has 55/45 split with ex (when you break it down in reality it’s slightly more than 50/50) and he was the main caregiver for a few years so I assured him I think their relationship is solid.

What is obvious is that she went away with her new family (new step dad) and then got sad that she can’t have this new family 24/7 because of DP. He didn’t leave her she left him (and the DC!). I do worry about the impact on the DC and hope this behaviour doesn’t undermine DP as if he can’t be trusted or is not good enough as a parent, rather than she is an emotional manipulator. If you miss your kids to the point of tears, talk to a friend or your spouse. Not your kids and cry on the phone

The DC were excited to see DP so I assume this latest demand was due to an ego wound that she did not get her tearful goodbye scene. The DC trotted off just fine and she found this upsetting? It’s normal to me. Your kids shouldn’t cry when they leave you that would be awful

I guarantee when the dc get their own phones they will be way too invested in them to speak to their dm!! Bide your time op.