Contact whilst we are on holiday with SDC

[Abby85]

This is unfortunately an area of tension between DP and I. This is not about me not wanting contact it’s about it being appropriate

DP and ex share their DC (55/45 to DP I think)

DP is rarely contacted when the DC are at mums house. DP doesn’t call them as he knows they are ok and busy living their life.

DP is contacted by mum every single day he has them, usually during breakfast when he is trying to get them ready for school and it’s often a video call. There is a lot of fighting that occurs between the DC during these calls and DP finds them disruptive and awkward (kids running around with a camera on while he is in his pants) and they make them late but he doesn’t want to not let them have contact. Sometimes he doesn't pick up if he doesn’t have time but the DC see/hear the phone so he usually has to answer it. I have usually left for work by this point.

when we are away on holiday she will call and text constantly expecting video calls. I was in a towel and came out of the bathroom during one call to find them in our room on a video call (fighting and crying) and I was very cross with DP that I had no warning and it was intrusive. Or we will be at a meal and eating.

I’ve asked DP to speak to ex about scheduling approximate times to video call on our upcoming holiday and then he can arrange for this time to be appropriate for everyone (and I can leave if I want to) but he doesn’t like doing this kind of thing. I’ve said it’s important to me - it’s my trip too, and it feels invasive. I am prepared to fall out with him if he answers a video call at an inappropriate time again tbh. Am I unreasonable about this expectation?

He does try this, his eldest will be on alert in the mornings so often answers the phone if he sees it light up or vibrate. DP has a smart watch which also rings on a call. DP does not always answer the calls, sometimes the DC are picking up which is why I am asking him to agree a time to call so no one is surprised. DP has been caught sitting on the toilet before by DC wandering in on the phone. So I assume he knows how shit this feels!

If your partner can not be a grown up and talk to his ex then get your partner to put “do not disturb” on his phone at important times-ie getting ready for school/meal times/other important family time, then her calls will only come through at the times they are available and calm.

To stop the fighting over the phone-the adults take the lead on that and insist that they take it in turns and any snatching will result in the phone being taken away.

This used to happen with my partners ex except it ramped up to 3 or 4 video calls a day when she knew he had a new partner (checking up on what we were doing all the time). If he didn’t answer he got a barrage of texts and repeated calls.

I completely understand how intrusive it is - we would be in the middle of a meal, watching a
film or playing a game etc and had to drop everything to answer her calls.

This, alongside lots of other contact issues, led to a child arrangement order and we had it written in that she could only FaceTime once a day at a set time. The judge agreed. It is so much better, we can enjoy our day in peace and just set aside a few minutes for the daily call when it comes. At least now we know roughly what time it will be and make sure we aren’t in the middle of something at that time.

He thinks I am making something out of an issue that hasn’t even happened yet. This is why he isn’t talking to her and I think he’s annoyed with me. He thinks I am just making a fuss over an imaginary problem. He doesn’t see from my side that I’m not imagining it because it’s happened before and without a boundary it has a chance of happening again. He gets annoyed when I try to mitigate a possible future problem as he sees this as expecting a problem.

We are different in personality in this way. So I would always tell my own children the expectations I have of their behaviour before we go somewhere and he will not, as they hadn’t done anything at that point so he doesn’t want to ruin the day by expecting a problem. Whereas I see this as just setting a boundary in advance to minimise any arising problems. I hope this is clear. I will often try to set all the DC clear on ‘this is where we are going, we will be here for 2 hours, there is walking and food will be later’ but he doesn’t so you have 2 hours of ‘when are we eating’ questions.

It’s the same with the calls, because we don’t have a set itinerary for the trip he just wants to go with the flow and see where it takes us. If it takes us to me being undressed and non consenting (even in a bikini) forced onto a video call I think I might end up leaving him this time

how is this relationship generally op? how long have you been together?

it seems to me like you don’t seem that keen on him and he’s not bothered that you’re bothered by something so perhaps same applies in terms of his feelings

either way… this is how this couple choose to parent. If it doesn’t work for you, you need to move on

So I would always tell my own children the expectations I have of their behaviour before we go somewhere and he will not

so you also have children and they are on holiday with you?

Turn the fucking phone off. Problem solved. Especially on holiday.
You don't want to be disturbed during a nice lunch, turn the bloody thing off. You want the school run to be undisturbed, turn the phone off until everyone gets into the car. Is that bollocks? Yeah. Is your DP in desperate need of a backbone? Absolutely.

presumably it’s the DP’s phone ?

so you’re suggesting the Op snatches it out of his hand and turns off?

It sounds like he enjoys having a whinge about the mornings. You aren't there. Disengage from that being your issue to deal with. When you are there and chaos is erupting around you, tell him to either turn the phone off, speak up to the ex or walk away from the appalling behaviour.

Can you try a bit of tit for tat?

if she refuses to pick up, or says it isn’t convenient, you have the perfect opportunity to respond in kind.

Is your DP in desperate need of a backbone? Absolutely.

The DP quite clearly does have a backbone

He is happy to call his ex with the children and he refuses to stop for the OP

I'm saying if she's not present, it sounds like a HIM problem.
If she is present, she needs to either tell him to hang up, walk away or tell the ex now is not an appropriate time.

i am confused

you are saying that if the op isn’t present she should turn off the phone ie her phone?

i didn’t realise the op has children

are they on holiday with you op?

This would really annoy me too OP and sounds like the ex is trying to control things on your DP's time. It's really intrusive. She is causing trouble deliberately. You need to lay down some rules with him or walk away. I've never done this whilst my DC are at their dad's. Now they are older I'll message them if needed and that's it. No calls and certainly no video calls! If they have to do a video call like everyone says it needs to be agreed beforehand.

The DP is moaning about being late in the mornings when the ex video chats to the kids when the OP is already at work. I meant why doesn't he just turn his phone off until he's got them on route to school?

bloody hell op
just read your post on the other SP thread this morning

you really don’t like your SC or how your DP parents then do you?

He also has an older child who eats with their hands and I do find it disgusting it also takes a very long time to finish a meal. I find it disgusting as he will touch his hair and then other people and your things with his slimy hands so his drink will be all slimy with all bits of food floating in it, flinging food around and the area around him will look like a bunch of raccoons had a party.

DP isn’t doing anything about it so this is DP’s issue to manage later in life not mine

Your partner is useless sorry. I had this. Mummy dearest would call and the youngest would dash to the phone. Usually don’t care but if it was during dinner and he’d get down I’d say where you going? Well mums calling me? My response, I don’t care we’re eating and we don’t have phones at the table. Call her back when we’re all finished.

phones ring, doesn’t mean they should be answered.

tell DP it’s excessive and unnecessary a call an hour before bed is adequate and also gives you an hour to settle them. In fact if it were me and they starting fighting I’d pipe up and say ok time to say goodbye.

My response, I don’t care we’re eating and we don’t have phones at the table. Call her back when we’re all finished.

was your partner supportive?

Why not his kids are taking it upon themselves to access his phone without permission 🤷🏼‍♀️

why not snatch your partners phone off him in front of young children and their mother

ok

then the DP should take it off them considering it’s his phone (oh and his children)

and if he doesn’t, then it’s because he’s ok with it

100% he was! We ate at the table and yes I had to teach the youngest how to use a knife and fork but meal times for us were a time to talk and share things about our day or week. Not a place for phones. He was able to call back but not interrupting our dinner time for a hi how are you. Our house, our rules apply.

Because kids do what they like invading privacy and show no respect and OP is the trouble maker 😂 standard

supportive yes

but didn’t actually. choose to. parent his own children? instead left up to you?