Contact whilst we are on holiday with SDC

[Abby85]

This is unfortunately an area of tension between DP and I. This is not about me not wanting contact it’s about it being appropriate

DP and ex share their DC (55/45 to DP I think)

DP is rarely contacted when the DC are at mums house. DP doesn’t call them as he knows they are ok and busy living their life.

DP is contacted by mum every single day he has them, usually during breakfast when he is trying to get them ready for school and it’s often a video call. There is a lot of fighting that occurs between the DC during these calls and DP finds them disruptive and awkward (kids running around with a camera on while he is in his pants) and they make them late but he doesn’t want to not let them have contact. Sometimes he doesn't pick up if he doesn’t have time but the DC see/hear the phone so he usually has to answer it. I have usually left for work by this point.

when we are away on holiday she will call and text constantly expecting video calls. I was in a towel and came out of the bathroom during one call to find them in our room on a video call (fighting and crying) and I was very cross with DP that I had no warning and it was intrusive. Or we will be at a meal and eating.

I’ve asked DP to speak to ex about scheduling approximate times to video call on our upcoming holiday and then he can arrange for this time to be appropriate for everyone (and I can leave if I want to) but he doesn’t like doing this kind of thing. I’ve said it’s important to me - it’s my trip too, and it feels invasive. I am prepared to fall out with him if he answers a video call at an inappropriate time again tbh. Am I unreasonable about this expectation?

I wouldn’t want my teens around all this crap OP

I wouldn’t want to sit at a table with late primary children who can’t eat properly (i can’t fathom how you’d even be drawn to someone who has never taught their children how to use a knife or fork!)

This blended family isn’t working because the two parents have such different approaches to how they parent

and it’s the children that also have to suck up the tension

The child has obvious dyspraxia so I think some of the tolerance is due to this - as it should be - but neither parent are following my understanding of how dyspraxia can be managed. I have experience of this condition in my line of work so I am not a lay person per se, but no one is doing the work involved to help improve the dexterity and skills. When the child was very little they had assessments and tools in place but nothing has been followed long term, I suggested to DP that he get the easy to hold cutlery again, that they go back to get measured for the shoe insoles, the child actually needs to be taught these skills because it does not come easily to them which is not their fault.

Nothing has changed or improved so I side eye the both of them. Maybe it’s denial. Sometimes things just become so normal it’s hard to see when they are not. It’s easier to eat with your hands so the child does and it makes DP’s life easier to just let it happen. I don’t know if this is going to be an issue further down the line. DP is of the mind ‘well they won’t be doing this when they are 25’ but actually yeah, they might? The DC already avoids a lot of foods they can’t eat with their fingers as it is so now there is an element of food avoidance coming in. But not my child so I can’t do much else. I just refuse to clean up the mess because this is DP’s job to either improve the skills or clean up the mess. DP’s mum has tried to talk to him about this too.

I just saw your update.

So, you have been in a relationship with your DP for 2 months, at most, is that correct? Or have I misunderstood that?

If so, that makes quite a difference. It is very soon for you to be changing the way things are done, especially when you only just met his DC.

5 years not 2 months sorry. I am out of the house for the most part in the mornings as I’ve already left for work and my DC get the bus to school, so DP is getting his kids ready for school but there will be a video call which is disruptive. That’s up to him to sort out frankly not my problem.

We went on holiday last year and I felt very uncomfortable as I got caught in a video call unexpectedly when I was naked under a towel. I was angry at DP. So I have asked him to schedule a call when it is appropriate and not put me in that position again. He thinks I am making a big deal out of an imaginary problem that hasn’t happened yet. But his kids do pick up the phone to their mum without checking it’s a good time as they just are excited and used to all these calls so am asking him to put in some boundaries whilst I am present, because I feel uncomfortable. I also do not want these video call whilst we are all eating either, because they are not quick, or the DC wandering around with the phone in their hand - they like to show off things so I am sometimes forced to be included. I would like them to be loosely scheduled so that I can plan to leave with my DC and go do something else for the half an hour or so. Or DP can go off and do it elsewhere

OP

this issue aside, do you love this man?

video calling and dinner times aside… how well do you get on with these SC?

presumably on these holidays… you’re in a family room with these Sc?

video calls during dinner time

so your DC could be talking to you and telling you about their days and suddenly…. oh a video call?

Similar vibe here that DP's child always seems to want to talk to dad when they are with mum, it incredibly rarely ever asks to talk to mum when here, not sure why.

Usually they text each other, 'DC, wants to call you, are you free' and the call happens when everyone is in a suitable place to do so. If it's a call out of the blue (either way) then there is just a text to say 'bit busy now, can you call in xx'

Works fine on holidays too, he will usually send her a few pics though the day and then speak every other, every few days.

Can your DP not start to do this with her? Just don't answer and message back 'just eating, call you in a bit?' Surely that's what he would be doing if anyone else called then?

Sometimes all different rooms depends where we stay on holiday! Last years incident my DC didn’t come as we were visiting DP’s grandparents, so my DC stayed with their dad. We were in one room. But there was a garden he could have gone outside. I think he flaps and doesn’t think.

Well last year there was a huge fight with the DC over this call as both tired, and I ended up stepping in and taking the younger one into the bathroom with me to calm down.

Yes so we might be eating and then the phone will ring and if DP can hide it, he will but if the DC see it he gives in and answers it. Last year we were at a meal with his GP’s and the DC ended up leaving the table with the phone. I think it’s off balance as they see the mum frequently but DP’s grandparents not as often, so just one meal could have waited.

I get on with SC fine and I am nice to their mum if I see her too. She doesn’t know how intrusive this is because it isn’t happening to her and DP has never said anything about it

Yes I do love him but I get annoyed by him. I never ask him for much so to ask for this one thing is important to me so I am upset he isn’t doing it

I think I just spend the whole of our trips stressed about the phone ringing now.

I also once had to hold the phone between the front seats of the car directed into the back for about 20 mins once to facilitate one of these holiday calls. The DC couldn’t have the phone in the back as they were fighting over it, DP was driving down a very windy narrow road, it was so distracting and chaotic and there is me holding a phone up like a mug while she just said ‘I love you guys’ 50 times and no one really said anything interesting.

I think she plays on DP heart strings with this, he ends up feeling like a massive prick ‘taking her babies away from her’ and feels bad that she just misses them so the least he can do is let them speak to her. Then he makes me sound cold and awful for not wanting to be involved

sharing a hotel room with children that aren’t mine? shudder

We aren’t all in the same bed and I don’t walk around totally naked. I was in a towel expecting to pick up some clothes to get changed into in the bathroom but came out and it was in full swing. The one room wasn’t for the whole holiday, just a small part of it.

still…. bloody awful imo

why i will never ever blend a family where the DP has young children!

I don't understand why your DP can't set boundaries on this as 'it hasn't happened yet' when it's happening all the time?? Anyway i expect there is no good answer to this and i'm wondering why you are with your DP who sounds like a crap parent with no consideration for your feelings.

He's a shit father and doesn't seem to have much respect for you.

Arranging a time to video call is the least DP can ask for so it’s convenient and fits in with your plans. It sounds incredibly disruptive for you all, and emotionally disruptive for the kids which isn’t ideal.

Ok so how is your dh dealing with calls, like phone calls from other people?
Someone rings during a meal, does he pick up? Does he then to ring back as he is busy? Or does he think it’s ok for him to be engrossed in a tel conversation fur 20 mins whilst you eat?

Same questions for you.

You first need to agree on ‘rules’ on what’s appropriate/polite when it comes to phone calls.
Then you have the whole camera on issue.

fwiw I wouldn’t take a phone call during a meal. I’d tell the oerson, yes incl my parents, friends etc… I’d ring them back in half a hour as we are eating/driving etc…
And most people who ring during a time they know could be busy (eg ready to go to school in the am) would ask first if it’s ok to have a chat.

I thought that was a polite thing to do.
And something you might want to teach those children quick. Incl the big child your dh is on that subject.

We don’t tend to have our phones on the table when we eat at home and don’t use them no. We both have smart watches which indicate calls coming in. If I had to take a call and it was important I would leave the table and make it fast. Otherwise I would just leave it. If I am away from my DC and want to talk to them I would check it’s a good time for everyone involved first. No DP doesn’t do this with any other situation or call. He is not on the call with her, he says nothing he just gives it to the DC. If he wants to talk to her he will text or just talk to her in person at handover. I’ve never seen him talk to her on one of these calls he isn’t involved. On holiday you are more likely to have your phone in your pocket/bag as we use our phones to pay for things or for maps.

I have seen him be so mad at her he has had to leave the room a few times as he can’t face her in front of the kids. Then he doesn’t want to be accused of being an asshole so he never brings anything up with her. She is so clueless and careless with our time, she will drop them off hours late and not even say sorry. He does not like confrontation. I have no problem saying something if I am annoyed though but I think the idea gives him a heart attack 😆

Seems to me you need to understand the step children and x rule the roost. You are allowed no say in your own home and every aspect of your life must revolve around the little darlings. You are not allowed any privacy or opinions. This apparently is the rule when you knowingly marry a man with children and an x.

Put the phone and watch on do not disturb or airplane mode until it's an appropriate time. No call will come through.

That's daughters choice

@Scorpion84
Your SD is choosing not to pick up the phone to her dad, which is entirely her prerogative

Well done for calling this out.

It's fucking disgraceful how people trawl through other threads on name searches for these pathetic "gotcha" moments.

Really vile.