Contact whilst we are on holiday with SDC

[Abby85]

This is unfortunately an area of tension between DP and I. This is not about me not wanting contact it’s about it being appropriate

DP and ex share their DC (55/45 to DP I think)

DP is rarely contacted when the DC are at mums house. DP doesn’t call them as he knows they are ok and busy living their life.

DP is contacted by mum every single day he has them, usually during breakfast when he is trying to get them ready for school and it’s often a video call. There is a lot of fighting that occurs between the DC during these calls and DP finds them disruptive and awkward (kids running around with a camera on while he is in his pants) and they make them late but he doesn’t want to not let them have contact. Sometimes he doesn't pick up if he doesn’t have time but the DC see/hear the phone so he usually has to answer it. I have usually left for work by this point.

when we are away on holiday she will call and text constantly expecting video calls. I was in a towel and came out of the bathroom during one call to find them in our room on a video call (fighting and crying) and I was very cross with DP that I had no warning and it was intrusive. Or we will be at a meal and eating.

I’ve asked DP to speak to ex about scheduling approximate times to video call on our upcoming holiday and then he can arrange for this time to be appropriate for everyone (and I can leave if I want to) but he doesn’t like doing this kind of thing. I’ve said it’s important to me - it’s my trip too, and it feels invasive. I am prepared to fall out with him if he answers a video call at an inappropriate time again tbh. Am I unreasonable about this expectation?

not at all

but if the DPis fine with it

then the op needs to think whether or not she sticks at this relationship

did the op clarify with her children are on holiday with them

I tell my DC not to video call me, as a group, when they are with their dad. It is always as you describe, they are argue about who is in front of the screen, and it turns into chaos. I don’t want everyone who is there to see me on the screen either!

However, they do still call me on a 1-1 basis with it, or when they really want to show me something. On a recently holiday with their dad, they called me to literally show me their breakfast each day 😂 and to walk me around the resort. They are secondary age now though with their own phones, so they are choosing to call me, and he never seems to be around when they call anyway.

I think that you are in the right though; it sounds really invasive.

You asked if he was supportive expecting me to say no. When I say yes you then change the question to suit your narrative.

his kids were in my home, they’d do things that would piss me of did either deal or ask him to. They’d do things that would piss him off but not me.

we’re all different and if we’re sharing space we are considerate of each other.

OP is not being shown consideration and she is not wrong to ask for it.

YANBU

My ex does it to my girls. I’ll be sat on the couch next to a DC and I’ll hear ‘morning’ through their IPad and it sounds like he is in the room - I hate it. They know now that if dad FaceTimes they have to go to their rooms to take it.

I’d be really firm with your partner and say it’s a non negotiable or you’re not going. All
she has to do is text first to see if they are free or arrange a specific time. He is causing issues where there doesn’t need to be any.

I think she likes keeping an eye on what’s going on and yeah it’s a bit weird

because i can’t fathom why he isn’t telling his children to sit down

i can’t fathom why he hasn’t taught his children to eat properly

But perfectly ok for him to allow calls to happen when his partner is scantily clad and uncomfortable. In the middle of dinner which should be family time. All that’s ok. Kids do what they want no one else can.

gosh you reminder me of another poster. Tiring trying to get you to see anything and I bet you don’t have step kids.

A “no phone” rule in the mornings doesn’t do anyone any harm anyway. We have managed to keep that in place even with teens.

No-one goes near a phone unless they are completely dressed (including school shoes/bag ready by door), teeth and hair brushed, had breakfast etc. The same rule for watching tv. Mornings are chaotic enough anyway. DH and I set an example by not going on our phones either.

Maybe your DH just needs to take control of the mornings and stop moaning.

Neither did their mother. They have no rules or boundaries but in my house I weren’t having it. In my house there was rules and boundaries and mutual respect.

i am no longer with him and don’t have to see him or his kids and it’s a relief tbh but I sympathise with OP’s in the shitty situations they find themselves in begging for the bare minimum respect and consideration and people like you who don’t understand saying kids should continue as they are.

It’s his phone I am not going to snatch it off him and I can’t force him to turn it off. Isn’t the point that you don’t need to go to these lengths if you just have a normal adult chat to say ‘hey, I know you miss the DC, we will ARRANGE a good time to call you when we are away’.

I don’t think DP is fine with it only to a certain point, but he’s been complaining to me when it annoys him but when I say well perhaps you could create a boundary he says well I don’t want to be seen as a dick she is their mum.

The food thread I responded to because I have felt like this before but I’ve also had to do a lot of work on myself that truly it’s my issue no one else’s. I do find it disgusting but that’s probably my personal taste that I don’t like chewed up food or slimy hands very much. Some people don’t mind. So I don’t react to it just deep breathe through it or move away

Yes my DC will be there and this is a perfect example that if a call is scheduled I can choose to go do something else with my own DC, not be trapped in a hotel room half dressed or having my bum exposed on a video call as I get out of a pool or something

i Think he is a gaslighting narcissist and he definitely has traits. He never takes accountability for any of his wrong doing. When I say this isn’t ok, whilst sometimes after repetition it will change it’s always turned back on me that I’m the issue. I question myself. I question am I the villain. But sadly for him I’m a strong woman with my own mind and mouth and I know I’m not the things he says. I know it is not unreasonable to ask him to be home for 7 for the dogs. That’s family life. I know I’m not unreasonable for asking for his kids to go to bed at 9 so we have an hour together. I know I’m not unreasonable. I think I am incredibly fair and balanced but because he is not he has made me question if I am controlling many times.

supportive of you…. but also pretty horrific

no it is not alright

he is being thoughtless

and that is the dynamic of this family that presumably has been going on for years

and he’s not willing to change

and the op can’t force him to change his style of parenting

so …

how old are your chidlren? what’s the relationship like between your DP and them?

I don’t understand the point you try to make love? My ex was abusive towards me ? Yes thanks for finding my words and posting them? That all happened. If you care to find my other posts you will see the only thing that did improve was how he parented his kids. You know abusers can be good and bad. I suggest you stop talking about things you don’t understand.

I always wonder what women find attractive about these shit dads.

so the partner supportive of you is now the ex?

and this is the one who doesn’t support you when you say his kids should be in bed at 9?

this was only a matter of weeks ago? 😕 i was in your thread!

i know

can you imagine having to teach another child to use a knife and fork, with his dad sat beside him!

Yes he is an ex because he is abusive. Ah good so you can also read I would have said previously that it would sometimes take weeks of arguments to reach an agreement. And we did make an agreement they fucked off out of my way at 9pm. And it was nearing 3 months ago because that’s when I walked away.

sounds bloody awful and i’m pleased for you that he and his kids are out of your life 🌷

I don’t waste my time with this it’s DP’s job but I will ask DP to clean up the mess afterwards because I find it really yuk so I refuse. The DC will mix food and drink together and stuff like that. DP does tell him off for that but even his other DC, my DC get fed up with the long wait and messing about so it’s isn’t only me.

My DC get on better with the younger child put it that way. My DC really like DP he is a lovely guy but even I think they raise an eyebrow at some of these going’s on but I am a stricter parent so they can feel it’s unfair the SDC seem to get away with stuff. They don’t, mine get told off far less by either of us as DP’s only tends to step in once things are out of hand instead of pre-emptively managing things in advance

how old are your children compared with his?

op how old are his children?

@nootropics mine are a couple of years older early secondary ages, his are late primary school ages. There is a gap but this post isn’t about that. I have had more parenting experience and most of it was by myself so we have different approaches for different reasons. My DC dad has a light touch hands off parenting style 😛 so I am not used to this level of what can feel intrusive or dare I say it.. suffocating. I am not trying to be their mum they have a mum. DP is not trying to be my kids dad either.

I wouldn’t say DP and his ex are friends but they are amicable which is good. But they are divorced and she isn’t his wife anymore and the benefits you get from marriage are gone now, you can’t have a new husband and also expect to keep the previous one to feel like you still live with your DC by video calling them all the time. I know this sounds odd saying it but it a part of me deep down feels like she lives with us and comes on holiday with us via FaceTime and in spirit. I can’t say this to DP though. It must be just part of what it’s like being a stepmum?

When the DC are with her we hear nothing and it is a bit of a drip feed that it’s more than that, she has ignored DP if he does try to make contact which I think is rude and spiteful. One rule for her another for him.

My ex used to be like this. In the end I got fed up as it was very disruptive.

My rule is that if my daughter wants to call then that's fine and I facilitate that but I don't accept calls.

I also don't call when my daughter is with my ex. We're not together so each parent's time is their own.

It's not really fair on your own DC though is it? Fair enough your DSC should have some form of communication but at scheduled times. Set some boundaries or tell him to stop moaning. If you are there when this is happening, remind DP that this should only be occurring when you aren't eating or when everyone is dressed/ready. That isn't an unreasonable request. That's basic decency. I'd be giving him some kind of ultimatum. No respect for your personal boundaries, home or privacy is shit.

"We will ring you back when we are on route to school"

"We aren't dressed yet, ring you back in 20 minutes"

"Actually we are eating at the moment, give us an hour"

"Now is not convenient" hang up