Contact whilst we are on holiday with SDC

[Abby85]

This is unfortunately an area of tension between DP and I. This is not about me not wanting contact it’s about it being appropriate

DP and ex share their DC (55/45 to DP I think)

DP is rarely contacted when the DC are at mums house. DP doesn’t call them as he knows they are ok and busy living their life.

DP is contacted by mum every single day he has them, usually during breakfast when he is trying to get them ready for school and it’s often a video call. There is a lot of fighting that occurs between the DC during these calls and DP finds them disruptive and awkward (kids running around with a camera on while he is in his pants) and they make them late but he doesn’t want to not let them have contact. Sometimes he doesn't pick up if he doesn’t have time but the DC see/hear the phone so he usually has to answer it. I have usually left for work by this point.

when we are away on holiday she will call and text constantly expecting video calls. I was in a towel and came out of the bathroom during one call to find them in our room on a video call (fighting and crying) and I was very cross with DP that I had no warning and it was intrusive. Or we will be at a meal and eating.

I’ve asked DP to speak to ex about scheduling approximate times to video call on our upcoming holiday and then he can arrange for this time to be appropriate for everyone (and I can leave if I want to) but he doesn’t like doing this kind of thing. I’ve said it’s important to me - it’s my trip too, and it feels invasive. I am prepared to fall out with him if he answers a video call at an inappropriate time again tbh. Am I unreasonable about this expectation?

I think it will get worse as she can emotionally manipulate them directly not via DP. Currently he is the barrier between her basically living in our house with us virtually

At 7 my exh had dc with all tech going... Broken. Uncharged. Lost down the back of a bed.. They never answered hsi calls and he never rang me.

my children's dad would give me zero notice he wanted to speak with them and the calls would often last an hour so could be really inconvenient. before they had their own phones i couldn't have my phone tied up for that long as i was on call. so he would sulk and accuse me of preventing indirect contact. my job pays for the children where he doesn't pay a penny so he was quickly told to jog on with that one.
he then went through a phase of ringing on their new phones right in the middle of them getting ready for school which was very disruptive. i said he needed to ring before 7.15am if he wanted to quickly chat on school
days. he's a lazy sod so the morning calls stopped as he didn't want to get out of bed early.
he makes it as difficult as possible for me to speak with them including not letting them charge their phones, turning them off for extended periods and generally being his usual pita self.
he has free whatsapp contact when they are with me up to 8pm at night when i take their phones off them. he often messages at 8.15 which is to check if i've taken the phones to 'catch me out'. he lets them have their phones until all hours.
top and bottom is that an idiot is always going to idiot. you can put boundaries in place and not video calling at meal times, mid getting ready on a morning or when people aren't dressed is entirely reasonable. lay those ground rules firmly and don't answer. consider even changing the name that comes up so the call can ignored by the children better until the ex realises her tricks are fruitless.
i try not to feel disappointed when i don't hear from my children but i am secure in our relationship and they know i am there whenever they need me.

It’s possible she had been drinking which would explain why she was over emotional.

The issue is that she isn’t even trying to come to terms with over 6 years later she doesn't have her DC with her full time, which I know sucks but it’s not the kids fault, and they should not pay the price for this. For some time the first 1-2 years she wasn’t bothered about this and was out having fun leaving it all to DP. Now she has settled down again she is becoming worse with wanting them with her all to herself all the time, which I do understand is a natural desire but it just isn’t going to happen. I suppose unless she forces it via legal action but I assume she is just laying all her emotion on the DC so they might choose themselves one day. I think the older one could be manipulated into living with her full time at some point. I honestly can see her trying this. She can’t see how bad any of it is for the DC because everything always revolves around her. Sometimes you just have to make the best of what you have got. And be appropriate to your kids

She needs telling that her calls are causing the children undue stress and they will be stopping as it is unnecessary. Phone on DND if needs be or mute her. One call before bed is sufficient, even then it’s not life of death. What she wants doesn’t mean she will get. Firm foot down needed

It’s the manipulation she doesn’t care what’s right for the DC, she has to have things that make her feel better. This was their marriage too. DP came out of this marriage with a completely warped sense of right/wrong and a huge mistrust of whether what someone says is what they mean due to the gaslighting and twisting. He’s had therapy to get through this. However he has always been the ‘bad guy’ in her eyes for years and any barriers he puts in for the good of the DC are usually manipulated and twisted that he is stopping a mother having contact with her children. DP just always wants to do the right thing for everyone.

Before I met him he had a breakdown and his family got him help as he had started to believe he was a bad guy and that he had done all these terrible things but he didn’t really know what they were. I was so wary getting involved with him as he was still negative about himself but having been emotionally abused myself, I recognised all his negative self talk wasn’t the reality of who he actually was as a person. She still has some kind of hold over his psyche though which is sad. I don’t think abusers really do ever leave you fully when you have kids because you still have some contact. He’s trying to protect his DC by giving them a very stable, normal and grounded home with him, but what happens with her is that she just floods them with emotion and it’s confusing.

He has put a stop to morning calls and is fully resolute on this now, but this one took him by surprise. We were not expecting this one

If her emotional abuse pushed your DH into a breakdown then the children absolutely need protecting from her. She sounds very unstable.

This gateway to the children needs much tighter management. Can your DH limit frequency and duration of calls as much as possible tell her to focus on healthy conversation with the wellbeing of the children. If he can arrange a set time and day for a call then he can block her the rest of the time and she can email him if she needs to contact him urgently.

@MeridianB I agree I think this is the healthiest way of dealing with it. The mornings will stop he has been clear. He is a weak link with being the gateway as it’s very easy when she is just being overly nice to him and it appears innocent enough, then bam, DC are hit with an emotional brick.

She isn’t unstable now, she does drink in evenings so I guess sometimes this is a catalyst of emotions at those times, but she is impulsive and utterly oblivious to the impact of any of her behaviour. She lives in a victim state all the time nothing is ever her responsibility or her fault. Even at her worst behaviours she would twist it back on DP’s fault ‘you drove me to it’ (who I might add was at home looking after their DC at the time of many incidents where she would just go missing). She doesn’t do things like this anymore (go AWOL) and is settled.

I only know her through the lens of DP so I do need to be careful I am not leaning into just seeing things one way. I’ve taken my time over 5 years to make my own evaluation based on her behaviours towards the DC and I’m not a fan but I do worry the more she clings on the DC might pull back and then she will get even more clingy. You can see this happening now when they just skip off back to their dad and she has told DP many times that she cries when she feels rejected by the DC for just normal things that kids are expressing their own emotions or frustrations.

I don't get all the drama.

Just turn the bloody phone OFF.

That's literally the solution. Your DH is enabling the whole shit show. Off. Completely. She can email if an emergency occurs.

We turned the phone off once due to ex wife and her boyfriend messaging step kids up to twenty times a day while they were on holiday with us. . Ex wife's boyfriend tried to assault dh at drop off as a result. Somehow the step kids were told and believe that that was dh's fault and we never hear the end of it .