DSD's Mum at our wedding??

[dipdina]

My fiance and I got engaged this year — we aren't at the planning stage yet but we're chatting about having a small wedding. Family only.

He's voiced that DSD's Mum would need to be invited. I'm glad that they have the good cooparenting relationship that they do, but Mum and I have a strained relationship and have done for a few years. She has been caught trying to break us up a few times and can be a quite negative about me to DSD. I decided enough was enough a couple of years ago and have stopped trying to forge a good relationship with her myself. I keep out of things and don't speak to her other than niceties when we are in passing.

I understand that my big day isn't really just about me as I'm marrying into a family, I really don't think I'd manage to relax or enjoy it if she was there.

Honestly, I thought he was joking when he said it and I said something along the lines of "Oh don't stress me out, that's not funny, no thank you." Turns out he was serious and although he doesn't want her to attend for himself, he doesn't want her to be not allowed to come as she's the mother of his child.

Personally, I don't see why she'd want to come other than to cause trouble as I don't really trust her. None of this is official yet, so I still have an opportunity to speak to him about it once I've managed to decide how I'm feeling.

Can confirm it doesn't. I continuously took the moral high ground. I never set a foot wrong. Never said a single bad word. Even defended dhs ex at some points for her frankly abhorrent behaviour. It did not help one shit. The kids worship the ground she walks on as adults. Me doing all the right things made no difference. They will likely need lots of therapy soon imo.

Are you sure your boyfriend wants to genuinely marry you?

He's shit stirring between the current and ex girlfriend and you haven't even planned anything for the wedding yet.

My DH never suggested his ex attend our wedding, but his DD was surprised to learn that her mum wasn’t invited because she sees up as one big family. I gently explained that it’s just the family of the people who are getting married that attend, and that my DC’s dad wouldn’t be attending either.

She was fine on the day, we arranged for DH mum and my bridesmaids to look out for her.
On the other hand, her mum was constantly FaceTiming her and asking her to show her around the wedding 🙄

Just keep your boundaries firm, make it clear to your fiancé that the day is about you two and your future, not his past. You don’t need the comparisons all day of how it was when they got married, it’s your day and a new chapter

Dd's dm refused her being our bridesmaid. But she was allowed to attend with mil.. My 2x dd's had bm dresses... Dd turned up in a different posh frock with bag and sash. Her dm went batshit the girls weren't matching....

She obviously is fucking someone to him as he wants to invite her to the wedding.

What absolute bollocks. I am actually on decent terms with my ex and his partner, to the extent I (think) we actually get along quite well when we are at things at the same time, but I would never, ever want to go to their wedding! And if I was invited by my ex I'd wonder what the hell was wrong with him. A wedding is about your life and commitment to each other going forward, there is no place there for an ex wife!

I confess this is the first time I've thought about this but play it back the other way and pretend your the DCs mum...

Personally if i broke up with hubby, there's no way id be going to his next wedding. Even if invited, Id be letting DD go, hoping she had the best day and know she'd be safely watched by his family. I'd be booking myself a weekend/night away with a gal pal.

Whole things bizarre. Him wanting her there - even if for DS - and surely she wouldnt want to go...

It screams disfunction to me anyone that wants to go to or insists on the ex husband/wife being at the wedding.

I was invited to my exs wedding and I politely declined and said has he asked his bride to be if she felt comfortable me coming and it hadn't crossed his mind and he didn't want to hurt my feelings 😵‍💫

I said to him that her feelings are more important than mine when it comes to their marriage and mine shouldn't come into it.

We all get along well but the weird narrative "it's what's best for the kiddos" is to pretend nothings changed is imo weird. And frankly used as an excuse for nosy exs to nosy into a family event to celebrate a marriage of which they should have no part of and sometimes make drama that is just not nesscary.

I realise this is unpopular opinion but I said what I said

I agree, I made the mistake of trying with my husband's ex and she did everything possible to sabotage the wedding. One of my exes is friends with my husband and I but he didn't come to our wedding because it's weird for family as well to have your relative's ex there imo.

It doesn't do the kid any good to pretend everyone is friends, unless everyone really is friends, which doesn't happen often.

If DH and his ex had liked each other, they wouldn't have got divorced.

I made the mistake of trying with my husband's ex and she did everything possible to sabotage the wedding.

OMG, what did she do??

It’s not unpopular! You’re totally right. And kids know when stuff is fake as well - all hanging out together and going to each others weddings is frankly weird and if I were a child I’d rather my parents didn’t speak to each other. Someone also pointed out that if they were such great buddies they probably wouldn’t have got divorced in the first place. It sounds like your feelings are being placed at the very very bottom.

I am with you! No way have her there!

@Feelsodrained hahah I said that based on the comments on this thread and comments I have seen on here previously.

I remember one thread were people were adamantly defending a mum and called sm unreasonable because mum kept letting her self in to have a nosy around ops post with a key and op didn't want mum wandering around her house alone for no reason. The names sm got called and people saying it's nice for the children 😵‍💫😵‍💫 bonkers.

I do think men sometimes just don't use their brains tbh.
Weddings and babies tend to provoke some bloody weird behaviour imo.

So why are you not still together then?

😂 that’s insane with the key! Yeah I think basically MN hates step-mums. Doesn’t matter what they do, they’re hated. Ex wants to break into your house and go through your stuff? Deal with it. Ex wants to come to your wedding? Just smile and let her be in the photos as well. Ex wants to celebrate Christmas with your DH while you sit alone upstairs so you don’t ruin the illusion of them being a family? Just do it, you’d be such a bitch if you had an issue with it.

What's the relevance of this question? There are loads of members of my extended family who I would not wish to live with.

She isn’t - read the thread again. He wants her there because his little girl is upset that her “family” aren’t doing things together anymore. My husband could be like this (although he’d never have invited her to our wedding!) because he was terrified of upsetting his child or losing access. His ex wife actually booked a holiday over our wedding and insisted their 9yr old son had to go, even though we’d told her the date months before and my stepson was excited because he was being his dad’s best man. Luckily her second husband stood up for us and cancelled the holiday, he was disgusted his wife had done it (they got divorced too a few months later). Children from divorced families accept that they have dual lives and do nice things with each side if you let them. As he got older and had big birthdays we did do parties where both sides of the family came.

A few of the things she did:

-DYING SD'S HAIR BLUE the day before
-Turning up about 2 minutes before the ceremony started meaning she was one of the first people to see me in my dress- turns out they'd been for lunch at Pizza Express right before a lunchtime wedding...
-Pretending she didn't see the text where DH asked for SD to be dropped off in the morning so I could get her ready, so I didn't even get to put the blue hair in a plait or some other style where it wasn't so obvious
-Put the same bolero (way too small ofc) that she wore to their wedding 5 years earlier over the top of SD's flower girl dress
-Complained throughout the wedding about everything
-Proceeded to be 10x as much of a nightmare to deal with from that point onwards

At least he is honest about where you will stand in the scheme of things with him....even on your own wedding day!

There are dozens of events where it will be nice to be civil and you will all attend - school plays, graduations, ballet recitals etc. Your wedding is not one of these. And that would be the case even if things were amicable.

The fact she sent that message to your DP and he thinks it’s fine to invite her requires a proper conversation. I wouldn’t wait until the next time the wedding comes up. This is a barometer for many other things. You have at least ten more years of this vile woman exerting her influence and it’s really important to know that your DP is not going to be her doormat.

You are completely within your rights to want to feel comfortable and relaxed at your own wedding.

There will be Aunties to look after SD so she will be fine and I'm sure you'll include her in lots of your day anyway.

Lots of good advice on this thread so trust your instincts xxx

Not a good idea. You're already on edge about it. You need to tell your fiancé how you feel and that it's not happening. Your dsd will be fine with aunties around. Give her a role - flower girl or bridesmaid.

Hell to the NO! Do not do this

It would be a big no from me, given the strained relationship.

I think if either partner is the slightest bit uncomfortable with this arrangement, it should be off the table.

Update- DSD's Mum is not invited. Thank you for the advice, everyone. We are aiming for next summer!

Exciting times