DSD's Mum at our wedding??

[dipdina]

My fiance and I got engaged this year — we aren't at the planning stage yet but we're chatting about having a small wedding. Family only.

He's voiced that DSD's Mum would need to be invited. I'm glad that they have the good cooparenting relationship that they do, but Mum and I have a strained relationship and have done for a few years. She has been caught trying to break us up a few times and can be a quite negative about me to DSD. I decided enough was enough a couple of years ago and have stopped trying to forge a good relationship with her myself. I keep out of things and don't speak to her other than niceties when we are in passing.

I understand that my big day isn't really just about me as I'm marrying into a family, I really don't think I'd manage to relax or enjoy it if she was there.

Honestly, I thought he was joking when he said it and I said something along the lines of "Oh don't stress me out, that's not funny, no thank you." Turns out he was serious and although he doesn't want her to attend for himself, he doesn't want her to be not allowed to come as she's the mother of his child.

Personally, I don't see why she'd want to come other than to cause trouble as I don't really trust her. None of this is official yet, so I still have an opportunity to speak to him about it once I've managed to decide how I'm feeling.

Would you say that if the couple had no children too? We have divorce, it means the contract is terminated, regardless of the original intention. Just like when I terminated my phone contract early, I’m not bound by it anymore despite originally saying I’d sign up for three years.
My mum was married to a guy who she hasn’t seen for 45 years. They were together 2 years. She doesn’t even know if he’s still alive. He’s definitely not her family.

Oh god. No. My DSC mum is definitely not coming 😂😂 that's absurd.

Utter nonsense, the child is part of the family not the ex.

Hell to the no. And I agree this suggestion makes me think you’re asking the wrong question. Question should be is this the guy for me? Do I want to play second fiddle to an ex ?

No, it's your day and unless you have a great dynamic with the ex, then her presence should not be expected - let alone demanded. There's no earthly reason why she needs to attend as you say childcare won't be a problem. I would imagine that inviting ex spouses to weddings is not particularly the norm and your fiance should be considering your feelings above those of his ex.

I’d give the ring back and tell him that I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t prepared to put me first before his ex on my wedding day.

The fact that the man read that message from his ex and still wants to invite her to your wedding is unjustifiable. Monstrous of him. Reconsider if this man is really the best you can do.

He's respectful of my needs and boundaries regarding Mum usually. This is why I thought he was joking. It caused major issues between them for about two years but he's determined to be a good Dad and that means trying to get along with Mum.

Her defence was that she was hormonal and that she's not anymore, I'm not willing to let myself be emotionally vulnerable around her again, though.

Him and I have a great relationship otherwise and is mindful that I don't want to be around her since it happened. I think he sees this as a big life event for his daughter too and wants her to have the chance to share it with her whole family.

But it definitely feels like a deal breaker for me. I'd rather leave it and stay engaged until she's older so this isn't a consideration.

I would be asking how many are going on your honeymoon.. Bet he says 4....

I agree with this. I'd cross posted with OP's update, and was responding based on the information that the fiance wants ex-wife there, the DSD wants her there, and that OP and the ex-wife used to be closer than they are now. I think that the update about the past sabotage and insensitivity about the miscarriage changes things.

In the OP's shoes however I'd question why the fiance told her, and why he wants the ex there in light of this update.

It would be a hard 'No' from me, particularly as you say it's going to be a fairly small, family wedding.

It's utterly inappropriate for him to think she should muscle in on YOUR big day. A 7 year old will be fine at a celebration which has her Daddy, GPs and other relatives. She doesn't need her mother there as well.

This would be a dealbreaker for me, and I'd be very clear that not only was I not prepared to marry him under these conditions, but that if he insisted on putting his ex before the person he was now marrying that I'd be ending the relationship entirely.

Just to be clear, he hasn't mentioned it to his ex yet, he may not feel the same way after thinking about my initial reaction or having a conversation about my concerns with me. I was just posting to try and figure out if my initial reaction was reasonable/how to approach him with this.

Also, they weren't married. This would be our first marriage for us both.

Does she want to get back with him or something? I’d be cautious of her - she seems like a real backstabber.

No. Definitely not. It would be a deal breaker for me. The suggestion is also making me feel scratchy. Is he manipulating? Does he like drama?/ Does he want to court trouble on your wedding day? Why on Earth would she want to be there?

She did initially but she was having a baby with her boyfriend. They are still together.

He needs to understand that while it is a big event in his DDs life. It’s not actually her big life event so the primary focus is on who you and him want there. Not having his ex there to somehow make it a DDs whole family event.

building relationships back up so you can both be in the same room as her is important especially as DD will have big life events coming up in the future but your wedding venue isn’t one of those rooms.

Nope. And that is a hill I’d die on.

I would not allow a person who has disrespected me to me at my wedding and I wouldn’t marry anyone that thought it was ok.

She probably won't even want to come. You're no one to her

Yeah I'm pretty concerned by his attitude

the Spectre at the Feast

I wouldn’t bank on it. She sounds like the sort of person who would love it if it somehow ruined the OP’s big day in some way.

Obviously there is no obligation for you to do this. However, it would be really kind if you did and would probably mean the world to your DSD. There is nothing worse (from experience) growing up in a split family where it’s clear both sides dislike each other. I admire people who are able to have an amicable and even friendly relationship with their ex for their kids sake, as the kids grow up happy and confident with their extended families. However, it requires a level of maturity from both parties to work properly.

Oh come on. You don’t have to ‘dislike each other’ to not invite someone to a small wedding.

the OP has been treated fucking horrribly. The kid will be fine with all her other family. Don’t you dare suggest that it’s immature to not want her there.

jeez some people.

This would be a deal breaker for me, 😭 f he insisted on inviting her I'd cancel the wedding, no way would DHs ex be there 🤷‍♀️

I think this is bizarre and simply put your foot down and say no.