DSD's Mum at our wedding??

[dipdina]

My fiance and I got engaged this year — we aren't at the planning stage yet but we're chatting about having a small wedding. Family only.

He's voiced that DSD's Mum would need to be invited. I'm glad that they have the good cooparenting relationship that they do, but Mum and I have a strained relationship and have done for a few years. She has been caught trying to break us up a few times and can be a quite negative about me to DSD. I decided enough was enough a couple of years ago and have stopped trying to forge a good relationship with her myself. I keep out of things and don't speak to her other than niceties when we are in passing.

I understand that my big day isn't really just about me as I'm marrying into a family, I really don't think I'd manage to relax or enjoy it if she was there.

Honestly, I thought he was joking when he said it and I said something along the lines of "Oh don't stress me out, that's not funny, no thank you." Turns out he was serious and although he doesn't want her to attend for himself, he doesn't want her to be not allowed to come as she's the mother of his child.

Personally, I don't see why she'd want to come other than to cause trouble as I don't really trust her. None of this is official yet, so I still have an opportunity to speak to him about it once I've managed to decide how I'm feeling.

Laugh emoji all you like, I consider the father of my children to be part of extended family. We share the most important family member of all, how can they not be?

It doesn't matter if he was upset. It's not about him. And why would it have been nice for the children? There'd be other people there they knew and it's very important not to blur the family boundaries too much. That relationship is dead in the water and nothing to do with the new one

No she won't. She's his kids family. She's fucking no one to him

I confided in her about my miscarriage, as she was pregnant with her new partner at the time and I thought she'd understand and have some advice as she'd had an abortion the year prior so had experienced loss. We were 'friends' at this point and would meet every so often for coffee.

She texted my DP and told him that if he had a baby with me, I'd ruin his life.

Millions of people don’t even talk to their ex.
My DH hasn’t spoke on the phone to his ex in 8 years at least and they text on average once every 3-4 months😂
She isn’t anymore then a stranger 😂
He hasn’t physically seen her for over 10 years either

Same as me, he thought it was odd at first but with hindsight recognised that it would have been fine, we’d barely have seen him throughout the day anyway and it would have made the day even nicer both for the children and the family that did most of the childcare.

And he still wants her there? After she said that?

Seriously do not marry this guy. He's putting her first.

Obviously not, because he wants to invite her to his wedding. I wouldn't want to invite someone who is "fucking no one" to me.

Obviously this is for the OP and her fiance to sort out. I'm just giving my perspective, which is that my DC's dad is part of my extended family and always will be, in virtue of being my DC's dad. He isn't fucking no one, he's my DC's other parent.

She should be no one to him after the comments she made. But no..he wants her to come to his wedding to OP. After she's being horrible about her.

No fucking way

Absolutely not

Yeah, the update changes that.

Clearly she isn’t, or he wouldn’t have suggested it and the thread wouldn’t exist.

Nope. My DSD's mum threatened to come to our wedding - I told her she was very welcome but that my H's sisters would kill her. She didn't come but I felt pretending she was slightly welcome took the fun out of it for her.
I sent her photos.

What a bitch. Why is he still inviting her into your lives? What was his response to her disgusting message? I’m so sorry about your miscarriage, it’s an awful thing to go through. I wish you every bit of luck if you’re still hoping to have a child together but I’d be extremely wary about his priorities and where exactly you are in there.

I mean thats you that's great you consider your ex ",family" but in reality he is the father of your children and you are parents to them..or you would still be together.

That would be a no from me. Maybe if she was a nice person and it was genuinely all amicable but she sounds poisonous. Is she still with the partner she was pregnant to?

I would be concerned about marrying someone who would be so insensitive after his ex sent that message about the baby. Does he not see how upsetting that was and that you already deal with a load of shit that he has brought into the relationship? Maybe if he wants her there, he should get back together with her and they could remarry. They might even get a discount. Honestly I’d say to him that if he doesn’t get why this isn’t appropriate then you shouldn’t be getting married.

And no she’s not his family. Any legal tie is severed through divorce and unless they are blood related, she’s not family.

A logical way to look at it might be that marriage is an exclusive contract between two people - and one which is meant to be lasting.

Sometimes - in fact quite often - that contract is broken, but the intention for it to be long term should be there.

Having someone there who is a reminder of how marriages can and do go wrong - of the way people break their promises to one another - doesn't seem like the ideal start to somebody's new married life.

@dipdina no no no!! he is crazy if he thinks that is acceptable!! never in a million years. your step daughter(dont know why everyone keeps saying stepson) will have plenty people to look after her! just tell him that it aint happening!

OP - after that text he should have gone in to a more business like relationship with her regarding the DSD

That message was really nasty and the fact that he doesn’t feel protective over you and want to keep her at arms length would concern me.

She is not a friend to you and shouldn’t be at your wedding BUT I’d be having a conversation with him because his loyalties are not where they should be.

I’d really struggle to belive this was just for the benefit of his dd tbh

Yeah but would you feel that way if your ex had made spiteful attempts at splitting you and a partner up? Or sent a frankly evil message after baby-loss? Maybe your ex is a nice person.
People define family differently. It can be self-defined and I’d have an issue with someone self-defining their ex as their own (not their kids’) family if said ex was a bitch who undermined the current relationship. Or it can be legal/biological, which is a no too because the marriage has been dissolved.

nope. she needs to come with an appropriate chaperone who is not someone who has slept with the groom.

’would need to be invited’
Nope.

Did you see the message from her and did you challenge her about it?

I wouldn't marry him in that case ,she will know you don't want her there ,and that means she will know he has put her feelings above yours .
And that will be how the marriage goes on ,she will come first

No, fuck that. If you were friends, great - but you're not, and your wedding day should be one day where you don't have to deal with people who don't love you.