DSD's Mum at our wedding??

[dipdina]

My fiance and I got engaged this year — we aren't at the planning stage yet but we're chatting about having a small wedding. Family only.

He's voiced that DSD's Mum would need to be invited. I'm glad that they have the good cooparenting relationship that they do, but Mum and I have a strained relationship and have done for a few years. She has been caught trying to break us up a few times and can be a quite negative about me to DSD. I decided enough was enough a couple of years ago and have stopped trying to forge a good relationship with her myself. I keep out of things and don't speak to her other than niceties when we are in passing.

I understand that my big day isn't really just about me as I'm marrying into a family, I really don't think I'd manage to relax or enjoy it if she was there.

Honestly, I thought he was joking when he said it and I said something along the lines of "Oh don't stress me out, that's not funny, no thank you." Turns out he was serious and although he doesn't want her to attend for himself, he doesn't want her to be not allowed to come as she's the mother of his child.

Personally, I don't see why she'd want to come other than to cause trouble as I don't really trust her. None of this is official yet, so I still have an opportunity to speak to him about it once I've managed to decide how I'm feeling.

I'm all for getting along with ex's if children are involved but I wouldn't want her at my wedding.
Do you think she'd actually want to go? I'd say I'd be more worried if she did, I'd imagine it would be uncomfortable all round

Blimey, that's quite an aggressive stance. I really dislike my abusive ex but he's not on one to me, he's my children's father, and he will always be in my life due to that.

does DSD mean your step daughter? why do you need to invite HER mum at all?

He's probably less determined to be a good dad and more determined to have an easy life. He's putting her ahead of you because she'll cause him more issues than you will. I would not be marrying him. This will not end here. He'll be leaving you mid way through labour to go fix her oven because "dsd lives there " and not coming on holiday with you because his ex doesn't like it. (OK extreme examples but some of the things I've seen on this forum have been extreme with men and exs like this)

I wasn’t trying to suggest the OP was immature as it’s clear the ex has been the problem.

I’m just referring to my own experiences and if the OP was able to rise above the exes immature behaviour it would probably have long term benefits for her DSD.

Before the update it was a no, and after, it’s a hell no.

DON'T DO IT.

I did it. I thought it would be good for us all to be friendly and civil. She made it quite clear that she wasn't in the least bit interested in responding in kind to the gesture by:
-DYING SD'S HAIR BLUE the day before
-Turning up about 2 minutes before the ceremony started meaning she was one of the first people to see me in my dress

-Pretending she didn't see the text where DH asked for SD to be dropped off in the morning so I could get her ready, so I didn't even get to put the blue hair in a plait or some other style where it wasn't so obvious
-Put the same bolero (way too small ofc) that she wore to their wedding 5 years earlier over the top of the bridesmaid dress
-Complained throughout the wedding about everything
-Proceeded to be 10x as much of a nightmare to deal with from that point onwards

Just keep her as far away as possible from your wedding.

Following this update, I think this is so weird that I would not be marrying him at all. Who invites their ex to their wedding, regardless of if they have kids together. What a mad suggestion

Your fiance is being very unreasonable here. I can't imagine having his ex at your wedding. You need to discuss this further and insist that she not be invited, Her being there will cast a dark shadow on your day.

Exes fiance wanted to invite me to their wedding I said no hard no! Totally inappropriate I arranged for his mum to watch dd at the wedding and my mum to take her and collect her in the end neither of us were invited I think she wanted to rub it in my face "she got the ring" and when I wouldn't play ball she threw her toys out the pram she didn't understand I don't consider my ex to be a prize 😂

Anyway unless your close you don't need to do this

Absolutely not.

I would put a hard boundary on this.

Absolutely not. She said something awful about you following your miscarriage. That alone would make it insane to invite her.

My sister in law invited her ex husband to her wedding and he has been to all family weddings, birthdays, Christmas, any occasion but they and the new husband are genuinely good mates and it was an amicable split. I would never have had my DH's ex at my wedding, nor that he would ever suggest it!

Don't overthink this. You don't want this person at your wedding. That's that.

Hard no.

Absolutely not and tbh I wouldn't be marrying such a halfwit who would think this is appropriate. It a snapshot of his intelligence isn't it. God, imagine if you had kids he'd be bringing his ex to the hospital with your dsd to visit .

This. How can you make those vows with her watching on?

Absolutely not. You can have a day to celebrate your love only with people who are genuinely celebrating it.

I would never go to my exes wedding and would find it patronizing if he invited me and assume it was for childcare.

I have a good coparenting relationship with my ex and his fiancé. We go to watch the children at things all together relatively often and we have meals together at special occasions like the kids birthdays. I am not invited to their wedding and absolutely would not want to be. Not as I don’t want them to get married but it would be extremely awkward. You need to put your foot down. Especially as it’s a small wedding and your relationship is strained.

Is he imagining that she'll invite the both of you to her wedding with her bf??

I'd say he needs to think about this seriously now, and what he comes back with would make me reconsider things, if he's still on the same path.

she wouldn’t go if you invited her, would she? I can think of nothing worse than attending my exh’s wedding. Jeez.

nay, nay and thrice nay.

Yes - absolute red line, hill to die on and any other metaphor you can think of

No. She can’t come. Your fiancé’s parents should be her primary carers for the day whenever she can’t be with her dad. She needs to know that this is her family too and that she is loved and special there, not just when she is with her mum.

I once went to a wedding where the bride had amicably split with the father of her children, and he was invited to the wedding. Bride's dad was hitting the drink hard and when it came to the speech said "welcome to the family [ex's name]". Bride roared with laughter, but God was it awkward for everyone else - don't think her brand new husband was thrilled, though he had to pretend to be amused. So if there is any chance of a mix up - absolutely do not invite her.

Absolutely bloody not. How on Earth does anybody think this is ok?