DSD's Mum at our wedding??

[dipdina]

My fiance and I got engaged this year — we aren't at the planning stage yet but we're chatting about having a small wedding. Family only.

He's voiced that DSD's Mum would need to be invited. I'm glad that they have the good cooparenting relationship that they do, but Mum and I have a strained relationship and have done for a few years. She has been caught trying to break us up a few times and can be a quite negative about me to DSD. I decided enough was enough a couple of years ago and have stopped trying to forge a good relationship with her myself. I keep out of things and don't speak to her other than niceties when we are in passing.

I understand that my big day isn't really just about me as I'm marrying into a family, I really don't think I'd manage to relax or enjoy it if she was there.

Honestly, I thought he was joking when he said it and I said something along the lines of "Oh don't stress me out, that's not funny, no thank you." Turns out he was serious and although he doesn't want her to attend for himself, he doesn't want her to be not allowed to come as she's the mother of his child.

Personally, I don't see why she'd want to come other than to cause trouble as I don't really trust her. None of this is official yet, so I still have an opportunity to speak to him about it once I've managed to decide how I'm feeling.

We didn’t even tell DH’s ex we were getting married. The less she knows the less ammunition she has to give us grief!

Can I get a massive fuck no?????

It would be a hard no from me and your fiancé is a knob for even suggesting it.

@dipdina , I had a similar situation many years ago at my wedding, when my DH's daughter was 6. Her mother agreed to bring her down (they don't live near) and said she'd turn it into a little holiday. But then it turned out she'd deliberately booked in to the hotel where we were getting married, having the reception and staying for our very short two-night honeymoon. With her DD being so young, and the hotel quite small, my DH's ex would clearly end up being an uninvited wedding guest. Relations between the two of them were not good and he was actually quite scared of her because she would threaten to withdraw access at the drop of a hat (my ex did the opposite - he would threaten not to see our DC). But after I said there was no way she could be present during our wedding, he told her to book somewhere else and even offered to pay for it - an offer she took him up on. Even now, I'm so relieved she wasn't there. She would have dominated everything and I wouldn't have been able to relax.

OP, you are entitled to control who attends your wedding. If you don't want her there, don't invite her. I look back upon my wedding day as one of the happiest days of my life - you deserve the same.

She can attend her daughters wedding.

There is absolutely no way she would should come to your wedding.

Your DSD needs to be supported to see you and her dad as a team. And her mum and stepdad as a team.

I wouldn’t be standing for this, tbh if he thinks ‘she’s the mother of my children so she’s more important than you’ then I wouldn’t be getting married at all.

Absolutely!

No way!

End relationship time I’m afraid . This is just the start ( and an outrageous one too ).

I married my partner when my step son was 8. His mum wasn’t invited to the day but we invited her and her husband to the night. My husband didn’t mention it but I felt like it was important for my step son to see that we could be together for special occasions. I wouldn’t want him to feel like he had to have separate 18th/ engagement parties for example.

What kind of wedding will you hope to have though? Service / dinner / evening party? You could always just invite her to the evening party when there are most folks there, it will be darker, the actual service will be over (i.e. you'll be married by this point and she can't interrupt it).Its a bit like her inviting you to Boxing Day. She can always say no.

Oh and FWIW, my DSD had a great time and was thoroughly spoiled by everyone there.

Please consider just telling them both to jog on.
He sounds like a wet wipe as well.

Do you really need this much baggage and drama?

It's inappropriate for her to be there!

That would be a hard no from me. Seeing as he's happy to put his ex's feelings above yours, I'd be giving the ring back.
Being a stepmom is hard enough without this!

YANBU - she definitely would not be invited and I’d be furious with him for suggesting it - my first LTB!

This is so bizarre that I'll throw something out there which hopefully isn't the case - who is pushing for this wedding op? Does he hate conflict so is taking a cowards route of putting ridiculous barriers in place so that you pull back?

That would be odd. My brother considered inviting his ex and in laws to his second wedding. He thought they would want to see his DD be a bridesmaid. She wouldn't have gone without her DP who which would be awkward. But she turned it down anyway. He was still going to invite his ex in laws he did used to get on well with them. Then they fell out.

Absolutely not.

I co-parent very amicably with my ex husband. We speak daily. He would have thought I’d lost my mind if I invited him to my wedding. It’s just weird.

It sounds like he’s doing it because he can’t be asked to look after his dd on his wedding day. Lots of people marry after they have children and they manage to have perfectly lovely days. It won’t be the sort of wedding you’d have pre-kids, but that’s just the reality of having kids before you get married.

That said, while my dad and his partner never married, his partner was very much involved in my family life. My mum would invite them both for birthdays and Christmas and any big celebrations. It was only ever a good thing that they made an effort to have a good relationship. If my dad and partner had gotten married, definitely my mum would have been invited. In fact, I keep in touch with the partner now, my dad’s been dead 20 years and I’m NC with my mum. I wouldn’t had that sort of relationship with her if she hadn’t been willing to be open to getting to know my mum like she was family too.

Absolutely not unless DD can't be there without mummy. If the child is 7, I imagine that you and dad can do it. I guess if she were 2, then yes, she might need the potty urgently in the middle of the vows and only be happy if mummy or daddy took her. That shouldn't happen at 7 though. Honestly, it's good that your hubby to be is seriously co-parenting, but there is a difference between coparenting cooperatively and pretending you aren't split. He is well into pretending he isn't spilt which means he is no-where need ready for a new marriage.

Nope. No way. God no. Fuck no!

Thank you for the sanity check, everyone.

Next time we talk wedding, I will let him know that we only having people there that are happy for us, so that wouldn't include her Mum.

I'm not concerned about his behaviour or priorities in general, he's a good Dad and will always put DSD first which is one of the things I respect about him.

She will be closer to 10 by the time we get round to the day, she will be fine to be watched by Aunties.

I really appreciate the reassurance, I will ensure he knows this is a boundry for me.

100% this!! All day long.

My ex was at my wedding, but we are still close friends and he’s friendly with my DH so it’s different. I think if you all get on then it’s a really lovely thing to do but if there’s bad feeling, why would you want that on your wedding day.

It won’t. The kid needs to get used to the fact that things are changing. Her mum and dad aren’t together any more and that’s just life. People move on. You can’t go on pretending that everything is still the same. It’s not helpful