Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

AIBU - Step daughter refuses to meet me

204 replies

Lili10 · 17/06/2024 15:30

My DH separated from his ex when his DD was 6 They'd been together for 20 years. We met 2 years later. His ex reacted very badly to the relationship and told my DH that their DD would never accept me.

She then stopped my DH seeing their DD because she was (according to his ex) too upset to see him. After 2 years, he managed to get contact (an hour a week) and the DD said she didn't want to meet me. The ex said she could not help as it was to my DH to "fix" things with his DD.

So he only ever met her by himself in cafes etc and we didn't push anything through fear of losing contact or doing further damage to the DD. He didn't go through court as his ex made it clear that it would damage their DD too much. So he took the gentle approach.

We then had a child. He told his DD (who was 11) and she said she didn't want to meet our child as she wasn't related as they had different mothers. Again, we didn't push anything to keep the contact for him and his DD stable.

The DD is now 15. My DH and her go on holiday together once a year. She came to our house to stay once, on the condition that me and our youngest were away (her condition - she said she wasn't ready to meet us). We agreed to this to show her that she had a bedroom and a space that was hers (her mother told her she had no place in our life).

She now wants to come again, as long as we're away again. But she has also said she would be willing to consider meeting our child (4) but she's not ready to meet me.

My DH is very happy and is delighted with this, however I have said that I'm not willing for our child to meet her without me and I don't want to be kicked out of our house again. I feel like we've done enough and she and my DH can absolutely have a relationship but I don't want to have to keep hiding and I don't think it's healthy for our child to be part of that at the moment whilst she's little.

My DH says I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do for the best now.

OP posts:
Arewealljustloosingtheplot · 17/06/2024 15:38

to me, she is a child and she has far far far too much control. She’s been allowed to call the shots for too long and now she’s being spoilt and entitled.

the world does not revolve around her and she shouldn’t have been entertained for this long and to this extent.

the whole thing sounds bonkers.

should you leave your house because a kid says so? NO.

Newgirls · 17/06/2024 15:43

Well an alternative view is that she is 15 and she gets to choose who she spends time with? You could think ‘great I get a day off’ and leave them to it.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 17/06/2024 15:43

I'd be tempted to say your DC doesn't want to meet her.

Dozycuntlaters · 17/06/2024 15:45

Shes not ready to meet you.....after 7 years. That is absolute madness, and your DH is buying into it. No way should you have to leave your house because she's "not ready" and to be honest I bet when she's 30 she still won't be ready.

Your DH is just going to have to tell her that as welcome as she is to come round, you, his wife, mother of his other child will be there and that's the end of it. No bargaining, no negotiations, she either comes or she doesn't. Obviously she has been totally manipulated by her own mother which is sad but your DH really does need to grow a pair and stop letting a 15 year old dictate who is in the house.

You really are not being selfish. you have put up with this tomfoolery for long enough. being ordered to leave your house.......fuck....that!

coxesorangepippin · 17/06/2024 15:45

Take back the control op

Your DH sounds utterly feckless

Babadook76 · 17/06/2024 15:49

This is completely batshit, it never should have been allowed to go this far. For pp saying leave them to it and enjoy the break, how’s being booted out of the house on your own having to leave your child and husband ‘a break’? Especially to pander to a teenagers nasty demands? Her mum has taught her to be cruel and manipulative, and her dad has reinforced it

Longdueachange · 17/06/2024 15:51

No way. I'll put money on this being more about the ex not wanting you a part of her child's life. I'm all for stepping aside to let a child rebuild a relationship with their father, and I also agree that there should always be a place for the child in their parent's home, but a 15 yo doesn't get to dictate that the other home owner be excluded whilst they visit, especially 9 years after their parents split! He should be telling her that if she wants to meet up for a day then it's just the two or even 3 of them, but that this is your home too, and she can't exclude you from it.

ArrrMeHearties · 17/06/2024 15:51

No way would I have a 15yr old dictate to me that I had to leave my own house. She wants to meet her sibling she comes to the house where you live and your there for your child

Soboredofdiettalk · 17/06/2024 15:54

As everyone else has said - it shouldn't have gone this far! She doesn't have to meet you, but no way should you be vacating the premises so she comes to the house Confused

whattodo33x · 17/06/2024 16:04

He should have taken his ex to court at the beginning of their split as he has every right to see his child....the fact it's gone on this long I fear the damage is already done (not helped at all by the sounds of it by the ex wife!). But no, you do not have to leave your home and your husband needs to start putting his foot down with all this madness.

Skybluepinky · 17/06/2024 16:06

Get him to take both of them out that way u don’t have to go out u can do as u wish. Her mum is laying the bait don’t be snapping it up.

Ponderingwindow · 17/06/2024 16:07

Wow, your DH really messed this one up. He never should have gotten married or had another child without first fixing his relationship with his child.

I would suggest that he and his dd continue the visits without you and the child for now, but that they add family therapy. Hopefully with time the therapist can work you and your child into the sessions or at least help plan your first meeting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/06/2024 16:08

Tell him not to be so bloody stupid. It’s your home too, you’re not going anywhere. And he was fine pandering to his ex about their DD not meeting you so he’s got to respect your veto on who your child meets.

Btw I don’t think he took the gentle approach all those years ago, he took the spineless one. No court because his ex said so? Pathetic. No contact for 2 YEARS then an hour a week because he was scared of upsetting his ex?

You’re a parent, can you respect and understand his approach or are you appalled he chose to have no relationship with such a young child? I doubt you’d give up on your child as he did with his older one.

No to leaving your house. He can pander to his ex and the entitled madame she’s been bringing up, he doesn’t get to dictate anything that affects you or your shared child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/06/2024 16:10

Skybluepinky · 17/06/2024 16:06

Get him to take both of them out that way u don’t have to go out u can do as u wish. Her mum is laying the bait don’t be snapping it up.

You’d let this angry manipulative teenage girl and her weak pandering dad take your 4 year old out without you?

ActualChips · 17/06/2024 16:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/06/2024 16:08

Tell him not to be so bloody stupid. It’s your home too, you’re not going anywhere. And he was fine pandering to his ex about their DD not meeting you so he’s got to respect your veto on who your child meets.

Btw I don’t think he took the gentle approach all those years ago, he took the spineless one. No court because his ex said so? Pathetic. No contact for 2 YEARS then an hour a week because he was scared of upsetting his ex?

You’re a parent, can you respect and understand his approach or are you appalled he chose to have no relationship with such a young child? I doubt you’d give up on your child as he did with his older one.

No to leaving your house. He can pander to his ex and the entitled madame she’s been bringing up, he doesn’t get to dictate anything that affects you or your shared child.

Absolutely this. He's failed his daughter.

Pippippip2024 · 17/06/2024 16:12

Poor girl. She must have gone through so much

WaltzingWaters · 17/06/2024 16:12

Dozycuntlaters · 17/06/2024 15:45

Shes not ready to meet you.....after 7 years. That is absolute madness, and your DH is buying into it. No way should you have to leave your house because she's "not ready" and to be honest I bet when she's 30 she still won't be ready.

Your DH is just going to have to tell her that as welcome as she is to come round, you, his wife, mother of his other child will be there and that's the end of it. No bargaining, no negotiations, she either comes or she doesn't. Obviously she has been totally manipulated by her own mother which is sad but your DH really does need to grow a pair and stop letting a 15 year old dictate who is in the house.

You really are not being selfish. you have put up with this tomfoolery for long enough. being ordered to leave your house.......fuck....that!

Exactly this! You weren’t the other woman who broke up their family or anything (that may be a little more understandable), so there’s no way she’d be meeting my child without me there.

FatmanandKnobbin · 17/06/2024 16:14

Oh god, your husband sounds like a total drip.

He's allowed someone to dictate the terms and conditions of his relationship with his daughter, and is now suffering the repercussions of that.

I sympathise with the dd here, she's never been shown any other way from either parent.

Time for him to step up and actually parent.

beckybarefoot · 17/06/2024 16:15

so for all this time DSD or her mother have been dictating your life? and your DH has been allowing this to happen, and in part so have you! Your DD is growing up not knowing her half sister which is such a shame.

i think its time to stop letting other people run your life for you.

Newgirls · 17/06/2024 16:16

It’s easy to demonise the teenager but really it’s her parents who have been rubbish. She’s learning from them.

notacooldad · 17/06/2024 16:16

to me, she is a child and she has far far far too much control. She’s been allowed to call the shots for too long and now she’s being spoilt and entitled
I totally agree.
Sure she us a child but she is 15.
I have worked with enough teenagers over the last 35 years to know they can play a situation to suit themselves.
Well an alternative view is that she is 15 and she gets to choose who she spends time with? You could think ‘great I get a day off’ and leave them to it.
Would you want to be booted out of your house because a teenager is calling the shots?
Do it once and you've set a precedent.

BubblegumLolly · 17/06/2024 16:18

Longdueachange · 17/06/2024 15:51

No way. I'll put money on this being more about the ex not wanting you a part of her child's life. I'm all for stepping aside to let a child rebuild a relationship with their father, and I also agree that there should always be a place for the child in their parent's home, but a 15 yo doesn't get to dictate that the other home owner be excluded whilst they visit, especially 9 years after their parents split! He should be telling her that if she wants to meet up for a day then it's just the two or even 3 of them, but that this is your home too, and she can't exclude you from it.

This.

This is the ex who can't let go and has been poisoning the child's mind so now she's the same way.

Original poster
Lili10 · 17/06/2024 16:21

Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not mad / selfish. I get that after all this time that she doesn't want to meet me - why would she? She's been allowed to choose for so long and she's not really interested in creating a relationship with me, which is fine.

But I don't want to get kicked out of the house and I would like it to be in a healthier place (ideally) before my child is included (nothing massive, just that we have met / had a coffee and are civil - I'm not expecting miracles). When she's older (my child) it will be different and she can choose which I will do my best to support.

And I get the comments about my DH being spineless. It's probably the other part that annoys me - he's wrapped around her little finger, but I don't even think she knows she's done this. I assume she's just trying to have an easier time with her mum and her dad which I can't blame her for. I think she has been through a lot.

It's a bit of a mess.

OP posts:
Reugny · 17/06/2024 16:22

Your SD has two complete useless parents. One who used their child to play games due to their own emotions, and the other who was to lazy to stand up to them.

Anyway as @AnneLovesGilbert states make it clear that as the mother of your 4 year old child you get to call the shots on who your child meets and how just like his ex.

Also as it is your house you unfortunately aren't able to go away on holiday then. There is however nothing stopping your "D"h going on holiday with his daughter at that time that's unless you have any parenting he needs to do of your joint child.

LonginesPrime · 17/06/2024 16:22

Newgirls · 17/06/2024 15:43

Well an alternative view is that she is 15 and she gets to choose who she spends time with? You could think ‘great I get a day off’ and leave them to it.

Why should OP be chucked out of her own home though?

This is madness.

Swipe left for the next trending thread