Struggling with jealousy with school events

[toro21]

Backstory, DP he has a 4.5 year old from a previous relationship. DSC is starting school soon so they have a lot of events coming up (around 4 before the first day).

I’m glad that they are amicable enough to do this and respect that he is a good dad but each time something comes round I become so withdrawn and down for days.

Please knock some sense into me as I feel like ending my relationship. I don’t feel that I can carry on feeling so low when each event looms and for so long afterwards.

This

You can't cope with being a step parent. It's only going to get worse if you have baby.

The 4 yo deserves his parents to put him 1st and co parent amicably. It sounds like they're doing a good job. You have no right to step in and ruin that.

Terminate the pregnancy whilst it barely exists and move on. Find someone your age with no previous family.

Go explore your feelings with a therapist

You sound way too young and spoilt to be having a child op. Of course the right thing to do is to sit with his ex at events and model positive behaviour to their child who isn't going anywhere .

OP, I mean this kindly, I think you are still a child. I remember feeling like you with my first love (our situation wasn’t remotely the same, but i recognise the irrational jealousy that made me feel awful and I just wanted to run away). In truth I had to spend many years on my way, discovering who I was, what I like, what I’m good at, and growing in confidence etc, before I could have a happy, healthy relationship. I do think you should think about spending some serious time on your own getting to know and like yourself, before you think about partners and babies xxx

@AnneLovesGilbert I wasn't replying to you. Neither was I projecting as you put it. This is an utterly shit situation to bring a child into. Of course she doesn't have to but at 22 and consumed with jealously that her partner had a family before her, I would say it was not advisable to bring another child into this mess.

Drama queen much

If you think it is bad for you now, wait until you have had your baby and your boyfriend doesn't pay you or your baby the attention you thought getting pregnant would bring you. You and your baby will be at the bottom of your boyfriend's list whether you stay or go.

So in 4 years time, when you will have events to attend worth him as a co parent, will you be driving separately? Sitting separately? Not talking?

Sorry you’re getting piled on so badly here OP. They’re assuming your anxiety is totally irrational and vindictive but it sounds really justified to me. Your partner is using you for housework and childcare whilst maintaining a really strong attachment to his ex. There is a lot to untangle but you really need to put yourself and your baby first.

I'm appalled with the number of people flippantly telling a stranger on the internet to terminate her pregnancy. OP is clearly emotional and vulnerable right now - no one here really has the first idea what's really going on from a few one-sided posts and yet people seem comfortable to throw around arrogant and idealistic 'advice' that will have life-long consequences either way.

Remember that while you are emboldened by anonymity, a real person is reading this. Take a look at yourselves, this is disgusting.

Leave him. It won’t improve

Oh dear, I’ve had a quick look through your other thread and it was very obvious as far back as Christmas that there was a lot of contact between them and you were very unhappy about it. Regardless of the rights or wrongs of the amount of contact and whether you are or aren’t being used for childcare, where you Come in the list of priorities etc I have no idea why you then went ahead and decided that getting pregnant was a good idea. Did you somehow think that a pregnancy was going to push you up the list of priorities? Or that your DP would only focus on the new baby and cut down any contact with his ex that wasn’t strictly related to their child?

My stepson is 7, and has additional needs. There’s a lot of joint meetings, school visits and LOTS of communication between my partner and his ex wife. They also used to go on days out together because it was genuinely easier for all parties if both parents were there.

I’ve always seen it as really positive that they’re both so actively involved, and that it’s absolutely the best for the child.

I don’t get the absent father thing, because my dad is an absolute idiot and wasn’t around either. I’m actually really proud my partner isn’t like that, and if he was an absent father I would have no respect for him and wouldn’t be with him. I’m glad he’s better.

You need to remember she’s his ex for a reason, and it’s about what’s best for the kid.

If you can’t get over that, and get over yourself - leave, because the kid deserves all of the adults in their life to want what’s best for them, and whether you like it or not, that’s both of his parents.

He wakes you at 5am to get up with his dc as it’s ’your turn!’ He leaves all the parenting, cooking and drudge to you…Run for the hills

There are certain 'firsts' that they both want to be there to witness.

That's really sweet of them.

YABVVVVVVVU trying to stop that.

Why are you doing this? These are not your kids so not your problem.

Likewise: I've been asked to mind his eldest yes, whilst he goes shopping or goes for work drinks. He'll often wake me up at 5am to get up with DC saying that it is 'my turn'

These are not your kids and not your problem.

The real problem here isn't that he entirely reasonably witnesses landmark moments with his children's mother, but that he treats you like a nanny for children that aren't even yours.

You absolutely should leave because his shirking of parental duties will only get worse when you have DC with him.

Re your current pregnancy: I would be inclined to end this one and hold out for a guy who doesn't treat you like an au pair. Clean break, fresh start, and a chance to work on your boundaries and figure out what you want in a man without being tied to this one by a shared child.

OP your DP and his ex don't have feelings for each other. The only way people stay friendly after a breakup is if they are both happy with it.
Children have to be put first, and by sitting together, attending events together they are forging a positive co parent relationship. My parents divorced and if they had been able to do this it would have taken so much stress out of my young life.
When I met my DP we had several years when we could prioritise each other as neither of us had children. You will never be in this position, but it doesn't mean that your relationship can't be just as strong but you will both have to work at it.
If your head says that your partner is doing the right thing by sitting with his ex and attending school events with her, and you are here to get support with the profound and understandable insecurity that this engenders for you can get through this. Early pregnancy is a massive emotional roller coaster.
But if you believe that he is being unreasonable and you need him to change this I'm not sure that your relationship will last the course. When /if you have your baby you will realise that children's needs absolutely trump those of their parents.
Good luck with this, I hope you find a way through.

Happens all the time on this board.

Particularly annoying are the posters who were a step child once so their contributions are effectively massive projections of whatever issues their family set up had on them in 1995.

I’ve been a step child, I’m a step mum and my child is in turn someone’s step child.

Being a step child or being the parent of a child who has step parents are both easier by far than being the actual step parent, in my own experience anyway!

They hate step parents

In all honesty and this may sound really harsh, but I would seriously think about whether continuing the pregnancy is a good idea. You’re only 22 and have so much life ahead of you away from all this drama and baggage.

I’d wager it’s mainly those of us who have tried it who are warning OP against it. I was a sort of SM for 10 years and it was absolute dog shit. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and OP tying herself to that life at such a young age is just a terrible idea. Even in my 30s with DC of my own it was so tough. Just can’t imagine that any man is worth saddling yourself with that situation tbh.

OP I do feel for you. Being a step parent is rough. I was 22 when I became a step parent and I was way too naive and assumed it would be easy (it wasn’t). I wish I’d have had the maturity and hind sight I now have. I used to feel a lot of irrational jealousy and I personally think this was simply because I wasn’t mature enough to understand the dynamics.
There are many things I’d have done differently if I had the time again.
Also you’re pregnant and the hormones are probably making you feel more emotional than usual.

only you can decide whether to continue your relationship but at the centre of all of this is a child that didn’t ask to be in this situation so it’s down to the adults involved to ensure that they are all mindful
of what’s best for the child

Exactly this.

OP, you are fucking 22!!! THIS IS NOT HOW IT SHOULD BE. Leave this arsehole and don’t look back. Don’t have this baby, I know that might be a very hard decision but OMG this is not the man you’ll have a happy life with. Waking you at 5 as it’s ‘your turn’ to get up with HIS CHILD? No it fucking isn’t and it never will be. Of course it’s ‘so thankless’ as he is a using wanker - it’s already bloody totally THANKLESS and this isn’t even your child, but the child of his ex who he’s more concerned with texting and performing with instead of building a life with you. He’s a selfish crap-dad git and he’s with you because he wants a woman (preferably young and less opinionated) who he can draft in to do the shitwork with his kid. No other reason.

please please leave. Don’t have this baby. You are so young. Ditch this turd of a man and live the life of a normal 22 year old and leave him to his ex and his nonsense.

And this. You won’t get it right now OP but honestly, OMG it is not worth it and everything you will be losing in order to tie yourself to a man like this - NO. Don’t do it. Get out.