Struggling with jealousy with school events

[toro21]

Backstory, DP he has a 4.5 year old from a previous relationship. DSC is starting school soon so they have a lot of events coming up (around 4 before the first day).

I’m glad that they are amicable enough to do this and respect that he is a good dad but each time something comes round I become so withdrawn and down for days.

Please knock some sense into me as I feel like ending my relationship. I don’t feel that I can carry on feeling so low when each event looms and for so long afterwards.

Some of us got a taste and swerved it.

Some may have DC who a SKs, some may SKs themselves.

It may seem odd, but I’ve often found it useful to get opinions from different perspectives rather than sit in an echo chamber (not that I’m saying this is).

OP - I’d run. If anything the resentment will get worse as pregnancy goes on/you have a baby as DP sounds like he will be (understandably) consumed with his DC feelings.
And no, you shouldn’t be getting up/it’s your turn etc. it’s his child.

Because they're often the ones dealing with the negative emotions of their child, who is caught in the middle of adults (their father and new partner) who put themselves first and sod the poor kid.

This does beg the question of why you got pregnant with him.

Is this what you think your life should be at 22?

And often they're a massive part of the problem, or one of the adults they're caught in the middle of.

I strongly believe you cannot truly understand step parenting until you've been there. It is so incredibly different to having your own children.

Then, respectfully, they shouldn't have put their child in this situation in the first place.

ffs get out of it

each time something comes round I become so withdrawn and down for days.

I hear you.

I’ve felt like this my whole relationship. It’s now 5 years in and not getting any better tbh.

If he wants to play happy families, why isn’t he still with her? Did she dump him?

lean into the hurt feeling as soon as it happens

What does this involve?

I'm perplexed as to why you're still in this relationship. Thanks for linking your previous thread. Insaw i also commented on it, sayi this isn't the relationship for you.

He told you he wouldn't stop the level of contact and if you'd didn't like it, you should leave. You didn't leave and instead your not pregnant, when you were massively insecure in the relationship already.

You struggled with them doing Christmas activities with their child.

I have a daughter your age and I would absolutely be disappointed if she was with a man who had a child. At 22, you have or should have a lot of choices.

I'm getting the sense, that there's more to your life and past experiences, that has led to you being in this relationship.

My daughter, wouldn't give a man with a child a second glance. You're not at the age that you should have to deal with stepparenting and the drama that comes with it.

I did not engineer this so that he would divert his attention to me but as it stands, I'm now pregnant and think he should be at least receptive to a conversation about it.

It doesn't sound like he wanted this baby. A baby doesn't fix relationships. If he wanted the baby, he'd be very receptive to a conversation.

I agree with a pp, that you planned it hoping he would divert his attention to you.

You say he does very little parenting and he's telling you it's your turn to wake up at 5am with his child. 4 measly days a month and he's still skiving from parenting.

He's lazy. That's why his ex left him. You know this and you still thought it was wise to have a child with him, when you've seen what he's like as a Dad. Why?

@Kingdomstray

Then, respectfully, they shouldn't have put their child in this situation in the first place.

Isn't that the same as saying if you don't want the stress, hassle and challenges of being a stepparent, you shouldn't be with a man who has kids?

Or are you suggesting that women stay in relationships with abuse, infidelity or like this case, a parent who doesn't actually parent, so they the family stays together.

Never mind that it may not have been their choice to end the relationship in the first place. Countless women and a lot of men stay in bad relationships for the kids

All that does, if show the kids an unhealthy relationship and they think, that's good or should be. They often go on to have unhealthy relationships themselves, because that's what they saw growing up.

So can you see how saying what you did is unreasonable, given the number of different circumstances that led to the family split? One may not want their child to become a stepchild, but it's really not within their control.

@TayceOnToast I'm just wondering what part of this leads you to conclude that the OP is smart, level headed and self aware?

When she actively planned a pregnancy after knowing this below.

He may seem like an active dad on the face of it, and I don't mean to be goady, but he does very little parenting when he does have DC.

He will say that I am hostile but I think I've just had enough. I'm cooking, cleaning, getting up with DC, reading to DC playing with DC whilst he often just ignores.

He sounds like a user.

He's not showing a positive image of himself as dad of the year, then doing a bait and switch. He's showing her EXACTLY what a lazy parent he is. Palming of his parental duties to his 22 yo GF.

His ex wife didn't know he was useless before they had a baby, but the OP does know, yet she went ahead. It doesn't make sense.

Yes it's the same as saying stepparents should know what they're getting into and shouldn't begin a relationship with a man who has kids. Because of course they have a crystal ball and can see all the challenges ahead.

If you don't want your child to become a step child then you should stay together as a family. Or you shouldn't have had a baby with a man who would make that impossible, or indeed simply unpleasant. You knew what you were getting into when started a relationship with that man and had a baby, or you should have known, what with all these crystal balls floating around.

It's just as ridiculous to say to step parents they should have been prepared to leave their opinions, needs, wants and life at the door just because they start a relationship with a man who has a child.

It's true that nobody goes into a relationship thinking "oh great, he has a child - I'll be sure to make life as hard for them as possible and have a terrible relationship with them" 😂.

So totally get what you mean.

But there is an added responsibility when there are kids involved and I think some people are a bit willfully naive about blended families - I have experience of it from both sides, so empathise with all parties tbh

@Kingdomstray

Your response is the very point I was making.

Initially you said if a parent doesn't want their child to be a stepchild, they should stay together. I'm just not sure how that makes sense, given that a relationship is a 2 way thing.

You can't hold someone hostage in a relationship. Making your child become a stepchild is not within your control as your initial post suggested.

@Soboredofdiettalk

But there is an added responsibility when there are kids involved and I think some people are a bit willfully naive about blended families - I have experience of it from both sides, so empathise with all parties tbh

I fully agree with this and if you get into the relationshipin good faith and you see something you don't like and your partner isn't changing or if it's things outside of his control, you need to evaluate the relationship... but proceed to get pregnant, when the writing was on the wall.

Of course it's bloody unreasonable. Leave this man. He needs to find someone who will not give him grief every time he is there for his child.

If he's managing to co-parent his DD well with his EW then imagine how great a dad he could be to your child. I think you need to look past the jealousy

I agree you cannot hold someone hostage in a relationship. But if you have a child with a man who you then split with you cannot hold him and his new partner solely responsible for any upset further down the road. You have played your part in it too.

If you don't want your child to be a step child, either stay with their father or don't have a child.

I agree there is added responsibility, definitely. I do think people underestimate the situation - whether naively or not, I'm not sure you can understand the situation until you're there which makes it difficult to make level-headed decisions at the start.

I think what I'm really saying is I don't agree with the sentiments of people who are demanding their child should have the nuclear family experience in terms of time, attention, priority etc when they are not, in fact in a nuclear family. And they demonise step parents for that but never recognise their own role in it.

How are you not understanding what @SandyY2K is saying, @Kingdomstray ?

I genuinely can't work out how you don't get it.

Divorce isn't just the choice of the woman! They can't 'just stay together then' if the other party doesn't want to.

Then don't have a kid. How are you not understanding what I'm saying??? Having a child is a choice. You knew what you were getting into, and who you were getting into it with.

Because you haven't been saying that. You have been saying 'don't split up'. Had you have been saying 'don't have a kid with an unsuitable man' then that would make sense.