Struggling with jealousy with school events

[toro21]

Backstory, DP he has a 4.5 year old from a previous relationship. DSC is starting school soon so they have a lot of events coming up (around 4 before the first day).

I’m glad that they are amicable enough to do this and respect that he is a good dad but each time something comes round I become so withdrawn and down for days.

Please knock some sense into me as I feel like ending my relationship. I don’t feel that I can carry on feeling so low when each event looms and for so long afterwards.

Pretty much been saying stay together or don't have a baby all along. In almost every post.

Right. And the 'stay together' bit is silly.

Not really. Work harder, make sacrifices, lay down all your wants, needs, opinions, life choices at the door to placate someone else for the sake of your child. Become a shell of yourself to prioritise your child. Just like people advocate step parents do.

If it doesn't work and you split - your choice or theirs - then you shouldn't have had a baby with that person.

I'm sorry but that is desperately immature.

My DD would have loved nothing more than to see me and my Ex turn up together and be amicable for her sake.

He is doing lots of great stuff to be a great Dad. He is looking after his child's mother, and with such a young child that is important.

There are all these green flags in his behaviours - which should fill you with joy - yet you see them as red and as being deprioritised. You are low priority right now and that's how it should be. Even when you have your baby, it is the baby and then child that come first.

I hope you can calm down, talk to someone sensible about this, and build some bridges with his ex (or are you why they broke up?).

I've read some of your other posts - sounds like he's using you as childcare.

Make some quick decisions. You may be tied to this loaf of a man for life otherwise

I also would terminate.

You are only 22 and in an unfulfilling, unstable relationship with a man whose No 1 focus should be on his young child. You have understandably unresolved issues and trauma from your own childhood. This is not a good time to take on parenthood.

You need and deserve to spend a good deal of time on self-care, counseling and learning more about yourself. Serious relationships and motherhood can come later.

Can I ask why his child's mother needs "looking after"?

@arethereanyleftatall
I think Kingdom is being deliberately obtuse.

I can't be wasting my energy on someone who either doesn't get it, or is persistent in making a point that doesn't make sense.

The two situations aren't really comparable.

With Kingdom's logic, the world would have ended, as nobody would have kids, for fear of splitting up.

I think when people are really entangled post split, it actually is more like an amber flag.

In all honesty, if you can get along that well, why would you split.

Fine to be polite and courteous and do official events together but if you are in and out of each others lives all the time actually I don't think that is healthy or boundaried

Sorry that you haven't been able to understand, that's frustrating. It doesn't render my point invalid.

It's not about comparing the two situations, it's about taking responsibility for your actions. You can have children, you can split up, whatever you choose. But don't complain that your child is now a step child.

I thought exactly the same @SandyY2K
Not worth my time responding to her/he.

So just to be clear, a woman is suffering from domestic abuse, her children are witnessing dad hitting mum, and probably the children are being treated poorly as well.

The woman leaves the man to protect both herself and her kids.

And it's then partly her fault the kids they suffer when dad meets a new partner because she left him?

Abuse often only begins when a woman gets pregnant or after birth. This is well known

My husband seemed lovely until my son was born,.he was even great in pregnancy (some men become abusive then) then it was like changed overnight. It left me absolutely reeling in shock.

Sigh. Not really the point at all. You've come up with an extreme situation that isn't really what's being talked about because you think it can't be argued with without seeming like a monster.

Why on earth are the children suffering because he's met a new partner? What has the new partner got to do with anything?? Why does everything have to be the step parents fault?

Surely the children are in a bad situation because their dad is abusive? Of course women shouldn't stay if they are unsafe, of course it's better for them and the children to be away from all that - but actually, yes - the fact that the children are exposed to that is the responsibility of both the mum and the dad - they chose to have the child. That might not be a socially acceptable thing to say, or a compassionate one or indeed one that people will be willing to accept because domestic violence is of course a terrible situation, but the logic is absolutely sound.

But actually my initial comment that started all this was referencing mums who dismiss step parents feelings because they 'should have known', but when the same sentiment is applied to them - that their choices have led to the creation of a step family also (no kids, no step family) - there is an outcry.

Because being a single parent is hard and the support makes her a better parent to his child.
Because he wants to.
Because he respects her as the mother of his child.
Because he wants to give his child a secure family unit despite being divorced.
Because he wants to model being a good man and a good parent.

Because it’s not a race to the bottom and he doesn’t have to treat the ex like shit to appease the new girlfriend.

The part where she said

“I think I was naive coming into this relationship.”

And

“I'm 22 and don't think I've got it in me to always feel like the after thought. I deserve to be with someone who can understand how I'm feeling and support me”

And

“I can see this continuing, he's parenting out of guilt when the reason his relationship with her broke down is that he didn't help with the DC enough.
He'll just repeat the cycle”

And this

“If that works for them then that's great! It however does not work for me. More fool me for not asking about the logistics before I moved in.”

And

“I take responsibility for not ironing this out earlier”

And

“Some people will be completely fine with it. I am however, struggling with it.”

And just her general calm tone in replying to some very cut-throat comments from the (probably mostly older) women on this thread.

OP - It’s a tough tough situation and only you know how you’ll navigate it but from how you’ve presented yourself here I believe you’ve got the balls to do what’s best for you, whatever that is. All is not lost, there is hope for a happy future for you.

I hope you have support from someone outside of mumsnet to talk to about this. It’s savage in here. Good luck and lots of love to you. X

Mate. You're being taken the piss out of and I can't believe some of these responses.

My brother has a child with his ex and it's really amicable. To the point she came to his wedding and we'd still all class her as a friend. I can't imagine him ever treating his wife as you've been treated! Because he respects his wife and his ex respects their relationship and there are certain boundaries you don't cross! Sitting there texting his ex about random shite while you're trying to talk...nah. You're worth more.