Struggling with jealousy with school events

[toro21]

Backstory, DP he has a 4.5 year old from a previous relationship. DSC is starting school soon so they have a lot of events coming up (around 4 before the first day).

I’m glad that they are amicable enough to do this and respect that he is a good dad but each time something comes round I become so withdrawn and down for days.

Please knock some sense into me as I feel like ending my relationship. I don’t feel that I can carry on feeling so low when each event looms and for so long afterwards.

You’re jealous and becoming nasty and spiteful. How long before you take that out on his child ? You have a lot of growing up to do if you want this relationship to continue

Your immature jealousy is going to ruin your relationship. If you want to be put first with your child then act like it.

Hi, no not counting the school events. There are certain 'firsts' that they both want to be there to witness.

I'll link my previous thread if anyone has a chance to read.

DP and contact with his ex www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4987641-dp-and-contact-with-his-ex

Op if you felt like this at Xmas why have you got pregnant ??

OP it sounds to me like you wanted a child with him because you thought it would move you up in importance to him - and that was never going to be a good idea.

I agree with a pp that a termination might be best if you're early on because how are you going to cope with the times he has both kids? Or if your child comes back from spending time with his dad telling you what an amazing time he's had? Or how much he loves his step sibling? Or if when your ex gets a new girlfriend/wife ds loves them too and comes home telling you all the fun things they've done as a family?

I just think if I was to stay with him, I don't believe he would treat both DC equally.

Honestly you don’t sound like you are in a good place .

co parenting is absolutely the ideal.. sitting together at parents evenings - going to events for the child is really important for the child’s security - belief and examples of how to manage .

You have work to do to understand how your Dad’s absence impacts on you .

tbh in an ideal world you would have addressed these issues before you were pregnant . However we are here now .

There is no evidence he won’t be interested in your child - it’s the men that abandon one child that abandon further children .

You are newly pregnant with raging hormones . Did you feel this way before ?

Gently, OP, your reaction isn’t normal. It’s a really good thing that they are parenting together like this. There is a child at the heart of this and this is best for them.

You need to grow up.

You're emotionally blackmailing him and it's a horrible trait

You are far too young for this. Please take the feelings you have as your warning sign. You know this isn’t right for you, right now.

@Starlightstarbright3

I didn't expect to feel this way about the parents evening no. I know deep down I'm being unreasonable but I genuinely don't think he has enough time with work and his DC.

I can't explain why I feel so strongly. It's been in the back of my head for weeks since I found out that he would be going to another one, I'm finding it difficult to sleep and breaking down in tears when I remember it's coming up.

I'm dreading it and I'm trying to preoccupy myself. I think if he was excited for our future I would be less insecure.

You knew he had a child, if you don’t want to feel this way then find someone who doesn’t

You sound like a spoiled brat. Grow up.

I think you are right to not continue the relationship, you are emotionally blackmailing him about the time he spends with his son and the jealousy will only get worse once your baby arrives. You really really need some counseling, you say he won't want to have anything to do with your baby but you don't know that, he sees his eldest regularly and prioratises that relationship. You need counseling so you don't spoil coparenting with him in the future.

Ultimately your relationship does not work, your partner is rightly putting his child first, its time to move on for the kids sake.

Also I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion but you are still young with your whole life ahead of you, you still have time to wait and have a child with someone else who you are compatible with. Why tie yourself to this man with all your negative feelings?

Where have you gone if you’ve stormed out? Are you okay and has he contacted you? Longer term, if you don’t want to be with him do you want to be a single mum at 22? You have options.

It's a real shame in my view you felt the need to split up over the fact he's amicable with the mother of his child.
I guess you'd better not date anyone with kids. Or would you feel the same if they had female friends? I suggest working on yourself with therapy maybe before you embark on another relationship tbh.

An involved father to one child is likely going to want to be an involved father to a second. You can’t really count on him letting you just walk away with his child. If you have a child with this man, you are likely going to have to co-parent.

You're in the throes of hormones at the moment which makes everything harder, but there were problems before this, from your earlier thread.

The feelings of intense jealousy will probably fade as hormones stabalise. He migt continue to prioritise his first child with his ex, as he feels guilty about that family breaking up, particularly if he accepts that it was his fault for not being an involved dad. Do you want to feel miserable about this for the rest of your life?

You say it's a much elwanted pregnancy - did he encourage you to get pregnant/ keep the pregnancy? Maybe to get you to stay? Will you be expected to mind his eldest, drop them off to school etc as he works long hours?

What would you do if you split - would you continue the pregnancy, which keeps you in his life for life, and will you be unhappy if he still prioritises his first child?

You are very young, and this does not seem to be a healthy happy relationship.

This is going to read like I'm try to kick you while you're down but I'm really not.

None of this is healthy. The way you describe it here makes you sound incredibly unreasonable but actually your earlier thread gives more context.

Either way, after that thread and knowing why his previous relationship ended, you still chose to plan a pregnancy with him which I find really worrying.

Get out, think about a termination and move on. You're so young and do sound very immature at the moment. I'm concerned about the impact on the child that is here and your baby if you continue with this pregnancy.

Truth is some people get on 100 percent better apart and clearly this is the case with your guy and his ex.
I absolutely get you, I've been there and you feel what you feel, unreasonable or not. As other PPs have advised this situation won't improve. I used to feel the same- phone calls late at night, demands for DIY help, help with this that and the other. I couldn't think why she buggered off - she still wanted all the marital support and advice and lifts so they may as well have been together.

@Jellytotsandwinegums

I think it is hormone related, you are right that there was problems but everything feels so much more intense.

He didn't encourage me to get pregnant no, I brought it up to him.

I've been asked to mind his eldest yes, whilst he goes shopping or goes for work drinks. He'll often wake me up at 5am to get up with DC saying that it is 'my turn'

Were*

You remind me of someone I used to know as an acquaintance. She hated the fact he had a kid and co-parented well, did everything she could to stop it, she then got pregnant and ended it, he was gutted. So she gave him an ultimatum. Her and baby or his ex and his kid. She vowed never to let him see his baby. The guy ended up a mess. It sounds remarkably similar, because if it had bothered you as much as this you should never have tried for a baby. You did in tne hope he'd suddenly switch his attention your way and that's now failed. You're bringing a poor child into a shit storm of a situation that's your doing.