DP and contact with his ex

[mirroracle]

Just had another row with DP about the level of contact he has with his ex partner and want to garner some opinions.

For background, they have one DC. I expect contact with a young DC but it annoys me how often/not relevant the conversations are. I feel like I'm being intruded on.

We'll be in the car & she'll pop up replying to a message. They call about something or other most days. We'll be sat watching telly or I'll try to have a conversation and he'll be messaging her.

He's very open about it - will show me the messages etc and it is her initiating it or asking the questions. He's just told me to leave if I have a problem as it's the mother of his child. I'm now pissed off as it very rarely relates to child, general chit chat.

AIBU?

YANBU. If it doesn't relate to their child I would find frequent contact annoying. How would he feel if you kept chatting to your ex?

I think it's nice that they seem to respect eachother.

@GenXisthebest

I've tried to go down this route with him. Irrelevant because I haven't got children apparently.

Broke down to him before Christmas due to all Christmas related activities they were doing as a 3, just feels like an extension of that really.

@marrybarry I do understand being civil. It's whatever is best. It just feels pretty constant and like I'm intruding on something tbh

You've asked him to change, he's said he won't.

Decide whether you're prepared to put up and shut up, or leave.

You can debate it all you like but basically those are your options.

@p1ppyL0ngstocking

This is it unfortunately. Thank you 😊

You need to make a decision, but I suspect you know that. Sounds like your a third wheel in the relationship... who broke up with who?

Me and my ex text most days, our joint child is 6. Just quick updates, maybe a picture. I imagine it will tail off when our child gets older.

@introverteccentric she asked him to leave. It's had a massive affect on him, he's been open about it. I just can't help but feel she enjoys holding the power if you see what I mean?

Looking now, he's not actually replying immediately. Leaving it a day or so then replying but she'll come back and carry it on straight away.

I suggested he ignore anything not related to child which it seems like he has done recently, she's then messaged about the child so he won't ignore the other question.

@MonkeyPuddle

This I totally get though Monkey. I'd never begrudge this. It's when it's general chit chat that isn't related to their child at all.

He's just told me to leave if I have a problem

Do it. There's no way i would stay in a relationship like this, it's so disrespectful.

*Effect

Do you live together?

@Viewfrommyhouse

Yes moved in together 5 months ago

Does sound power related, she doesn't want him but also doesn't want anyone else to have him.. it's good to see the delay in replying though, means he's not completely at her beck and call

And they were off doing Xmas things as a family of 3? Bollocks to that. Leave.

The fact that you've opened up to him and communicated your concerns, only to be met with 'leave then' is disgusting.

I'm sorry, but it won't change and you deserve more.

How long ago did they split? How long have you been together?

@introverteccentric

I think that's the case unfortunately.

What would you suggest now? I feel bad about snapping but I've said I'm not comfortable and will not be made to feel insecure in a relationship.

I'm just concerned about how this will play out in future. I'd like to have children of my own. I think it's setting the tone for the rest of the relationship if he's going to appease her.

It really reads like he’s not ready for another relationship.

Honestly OP, there are so many other fish in the sea. Toss this one back.

It’s not meant to be this hard, and it sounds one you’ll always be the third priority.

I'm sort of on the other side of this. Me and my ex only message about our son, but his girlfriend has taken to replying on his behalf pretending to be him. Like I won't notice an entirely different way of writing etc 🫠 It sounds like your DP has stopped replying to irrelevant messages, that's progress. Maybe the next step is him waiting a little while to reply to questions about the child unless they're immediately relevant?

I know he is trying though. He loves his child and wants the best so tries to keep the peace. Regarding the Christmas activities, I laid it all on the line and told him how I felt. We had an in-depth conversation about how as the child gets older the contact will reduce etc. He said how even now she's having an impact on his relationships by causing us to argue. He's told me he's ignoring her & doing what he can but I'm now causing issues about it.

I trust him completely, I know she hurt him and he struggles with the fact he's not living with his child & seeing the day to day. He gets upset about not seeing them in week & missing them.

My advice - leave now. It won't change.

Had a similar issue with now ex-DP and his ex.

He has spent years trying to appease her. I think it came from both guilt and power. He has now decided to tackle it to make it better, but I have lost all respect for the situation.

He has always taken her side and never had my back and overall the person who has been most negatively affected - the child.

I was also being told I was making a problem and it was me who was in the wrong. I wasn't and he wouldn't have accepted it the other way round and I would never have expected him to.

It's overall just disrespectful and along with some other issues has in my opinion ruined our relationship over the years grinding down respect and trust.

It's not worth your own mental health trust me.

@mirroracle I think you should take his advice and leave if you don’t like it. You are obviously not compatible in this situation.

You don’t get to control who he is friends with just like a man has no right to control who you are friends with. Even if it is an ex.

You can control your own life choices. If you want a partner who is not friends with their ex, then that is fine. But, he is friends with his ex so he is not it.

FWIW it never bothered me if my partner was friends with an ex especially when they had children together. The only issue I would have had (not that it ever happened ) is if they were flirting or if the partner discussed any of our personal issues with them.

General chit chat that wasn’t about the child/ren wouldn’t bother me at all.

"Blended" families are hell. Do what he says and leave, then find a man without kids.

Leave. He enjoys his relationship with her as does she at what level it is and it's not working for you.
This is only going to get worse. He knows how you feel and doesn't care.
Do not have kids and go and find a man who is a free agent.
You deserve better