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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling with jealousy with school events

208 replies

toro21 · 16/06/2024 16:59

Backstory, DP he has a 4.5 year old from a previous relationship. DSC is starting school soon so they have a lot of events coming up (around 4 before the first day).

I’m glad that they are amicable enough to do this and respect that he is a good dad but each time something comes round I become so withdrawn and down for days.

Please knock some sense into me as I feel like ending my relationship. I don’t feel that I can carry on feeling so low when each event looms and for so long afterwards.

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 16/06/2024 17:02

Well it's a really green flag that they can do those things together so I'd pull yourself together before he gets fed up with the mood swings every time he does something for his child. You made the decision to be with someone with a child so it's something you need to deal with.

Original poster
toro21 · 16/06/2024 17:03

@Stressfordays thank you for your response. I've decided to end it for both of our sakes.

OP posts:
TigerWhiskers · 16/06/2024 17:04

It sounds like on some level you perceive it as a rejection to you and your life together? What do you think? If so then lean into the hurt feeling as soon as it happens rather than trying to ignore it and pretend that you don't feel it as that's what makes the feeling linger. If you feel it it will pass quicker. Have you been rejected before or by someone significant? Do you feel secure in your relationship with him?

Try to view it as an indication that he's a good man and a good father. Why would you want to be with someone who disowns their child.

Original poster
toro21 · 16/06/2024 17:09

@TigerWhiskers I thought I'd got over it to be honest but I'm feeling especially emotional at the moment. I feel physically sick at the thought of them together and I know that it's not a usual reaction.

When his EW dropped DSC off yesterday they were chatting at the door and I just broke down in tears.

I didn't see my own father growing up which may be clouding my emotions, I've also just found out that I'm pregnant and I feel like the life I wanted for myself has been ripped away.

I would of course never want to be with someone who disowns their child, I just feel like a spare part in that they are doing these things together rather than separately. I just don't think I am able to cope with the way it is

OP posts:
TryingToBeLogical · 16/06/2024 17:45

>>. I didn't see my own father growing up which may be clouding my emotions, I've also just found out that I'm pregnant and I feel like the life I wanted for myself has been ripped away.

it sounds like everything you are feeling is being triggered by deeper things past and present, and is understandable to be feeling. Nothing brings up childhood stuff that you had thought you’d overcome, more then going through a parallel situation as an adult. It all comes back.

Bur feeling like your wanted life has been ripped away is a very major feeling. What do you feel is being ripped away, exactly? Please try to sort those exact feelings out for yourself, down to the specifics - so you can begin to examine them and see how to approach them.

lunar1 · 16/06/2024 17:50

If your in early pregnancy it wreaks havoc with your emotions, especially if things new and they have just started on these events together with school starting.

I would take your time rather than make hasty decision, he sounds like a good dad. Have you anyone level headed irl you can talk to?

Original poster
toro21 · 16/06/2024 17:52

@TryingToBeLogical

Thank you for your response. I didn't think not seeing my father growing up had impacted me at all.

I think I was naive coming into this relationship. We're perfect otherwise. I've been really excited since finding out and we were excited to start trying for a baby. Partner on the other hand has hardly mentioned it, I think I just wanted to be put first for once. I'm so used to being 4th to his child, his ex and his work that I thought he may start to prioritise me.

OP posts:
ThunderQween · 16/06/2024 17:54

I'm so used to being 4th to his child, his ex and his work that I thought he may start to prioritise me.

That isn't how it should be. If your child doesn't leap to equal 1st priority when its born you need to get the hell out of there and he can see the baby every other weekend

Ponderingwindow · 16/06/2024 17:56

You mention him not prioritizing you. Did you really expect him not to attend his child’s events just because you are pregnant? Or is there something more going on in that regard?

Original poster
toro21 · 16/06/2024 17:57

@lunar1

I think it may be a little late I've stormed out. I moved away to be with him and now work in his area. I don't have a support network near me so I feel alone so much and rely on him.

I'm definitely very stressed out, I feel all over the place. I told him I couldn't continue if he would be going to all these things with her.

I feel very vulnerable and I just wanted his reassurance. I'm 22 and don't think I've got it in me to always feel like the after thought. I deserve to be with someone who can understand how I'm feeling and support me

OP posts:
Original poster
toro21 · 16/06/2024 17:58

Hi pondering, think you may have missed the point of the post. All I've asked is that they don't attend together, ie drive together, sit together etc. I don't think that is unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
toro21 · 16/06/2024 18:00

ThunderQween · 16/06/2024 17:54

I'm so used to being 4th to his child, his ex and his work that I thought he may start to prioritise me.

That isn't how it should be. If your child doesn't leap to equal 1st priority when its born you need to get the hell out of there and he can see the baby every other weekend

Judging by the way I get tossed aside and ignored, expected to wait on them hand and foot, the 4 days he does see his DC them maybe that's the better option.

I can see this continuing, he's parenting out of guilt when the reason his relationship with her broke down is that he didn't help with the DC enough.

He'll just repeat the cycle

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 16/06/2024 18:01

toro21 · 16/06/2024 17:58

Hi pondering, think you may have missed the point of the post. All I've asked is that they don't attend together, ie drive together, sit together etc. I don't think that is unreasonable

Completely unreasonable! Why wouldn't they drive and sit together?!

Ponderingwindow · 16/06/2024 18:01

It is massively unreasonable. Two parents who can get along for the sake of their child is the ideal.

Original poster
toro21 · 16/06/2024 18:02

If that works for them then that's great! It however does not work for me. More fool me for not asking about the logistics before I moved in.

OP posts:
Original poster
toro21 · 16/06/2024 18:03

I think it's great that they can coparent so effectively. Maybe they should have stayed together

OP posts:
ForFirmBiscuit · 16/06/2024 18:03

I’m not telling you what to do but if I felt this strongly about it I would terminate if it was early in the pregnancy and leave

EllieQ · 16/06/2024 18:04

toro21 · 16/06/2024 17:57

@lunar1

I think it may be a little late I've stormed out. I moved away to be with him and now work in his area. I don't have a support network near me so I feel alone so much and rely on him.

I'm definitely very stressed out, I feel all over the place. I told him I couldn't continue if he would be going to all these things with her.

I feel very vulnerable and I just wanted his reassurance. I'm 22 and don't think I've got it in me to always feel like the after thought. I deserve to be with someone who can understand how I'm feeling and support me

How old is your partner, then, if you’re only 22 and he already has a four year old? I suspect he’s older from what you have written, and the power dynamics don’t seem great if you come second to his child (which is correct) but also his ex and his work (which is a red flag, to be honest).

I’d also suggest you think carefully about whether you want to continue the pregnancy and be tied to this man for the next 18 years if the current situation makes you feel so unhappy.

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/06/2024 18:05

toro21 · 16/06/2024 18:03

I think it's great that they can coparent so effectively. Maybe they should have stayed together

You can co-parent wonderfully but absolutely not belong together.

It sounds like being with someone who already has a child unless they hate their ex or have abandoned their child isn’t for you.

What they are doing is healthy and good for their child.

Original poster
toro21 · 16/06/2024 18:06

Thank you @ForFirmBiscuit

I really didn't want to do this, the baby is very wanted. I just can't be around this level of stress. I'm completely aware that I'm going to be the exception, I take responsibility for not ironing this out earlier on as I guess I didn't expect it to be this way?

Some people will be completely fine with it. I am however, struggling with it. It's a new change, im feeling emotional and isolated.

OP posts:
ForFirmBiscuit · 16/06/2024 18:08

toro21 · 16/06/2024 18:06

Thank you @ForFirmBiscuit

I really didn't want to do this, the baby is very wanted. I just can't be around this level of stress. I'm completely aware that I'm going to be the exception, I take responsibility for not ironing this out earlier on as I guess I didn't expect it to be this way?

Some people will be completely fine with it. I am however, struggling with it. It's a new change, im feeling emotional and isolated.

Okay, well if you’re going to keep the pregnancy you may as well try to stay and improve the relationship so that your child doesn’t also grow up fatherless because you couldn’t cope with him being involved with his firstborn

Newnamesameoldlurker · 16/06/2024 18:08

Oh OP I really feel for you- you're going to get a storm of disapproval on this thread because you're being very unreasonable to expect him not to sit with his ex at school events. But your feelings are your feelings and it's entirely valid to want to be number one to your partner- you sound like you're carrying a lot of pain and insecurity from the past and I don't think this relationship can meet your needs. Are you definitely keeping the baby? 22 is so young to be settling for a situation that makes you feel bad about yourself. And you say his ex divorced him for not doing enough for the DC so he doesn't sound like the best father material. It's good you're thinking this through carefully. Put yourself first if noone else will

JoBoJoBo · 16/06/2024 18:10

toro21 · 16/06/2024 16:59

Backstory, DP he has a 4.5 year old from a previous relationship. DSC is starting school soon so they have a lot of events coming up (around 4 before the first day).

I’m glad that they are amicable enough to do this and respect that he is a good dad but each time something comes round I become so withdrawn and down for days.

Please knock some sense into me as I feel like ending my relationship. I don’t feel that I can carry on feeling so low when each event looms and for so long afterwards.

You are being totally unreasonable.What a strange response to your partner being a good Dad.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 16/06/2024 18:11

You are very young, if you can't be supportive to positive coparenting (which is commendable from them both actually) you need to either mature very quickly or reconsider your relationship

Wishitsnows · 16/06/2024 18:11

Well if you keep the baby and split up with him your baby may be with him every other weekend and also with his other child. Will you be able to cope with that?