Struggling with jealousy with school events

[toro21]

Backstory, DP he has a 4.5 year old from a previous relationship. DSC is starting school soon so they have a lot of events coming up (around 4 before the first day).

I’m glad that they are amicable enough to do this and respect that he is a good dad but each time something comes round I become so withdrawn and down for days.

Please knock some sense into me as I feel like ending my relationship. I don’t feel that I can carry on feeling so low when each event looms and for so long afterwards.

Honestly, if my husband asked me not to sit with my daughters father at a school event, I’d laugh. How does one sit separately at a parents evening for the same child? Teachers don’t have time for that kind of nonsense, quite frankly.

It is completely unreasonable, sorry.

I get why you're struggling and I don't think you should be talked into having a termination at all. You need to make that decision for yourself. Can you go back to where your family are so you have more support?

This dynamic sounds unhealthy and if you were my dd I'd want you out of there

I think you need a clean break, OP.

You're setting yourself up for life to be much harder than it needs to be at only 22.

Well I doubt he'd want to be involved anyway tbh, think he'd have his hands full with appeasing the EW and performance parenting DC1

I agree that this isn't a good dynamic and obviously too much for you. It is alot more to take on than other young women your age. It's not a great situation to bring another child into.

I also would feel really concerned about my own child being around you with these strong feelings.

A simpler set up with a man who has no children would be best for you in this situation but with the pregnancy I don't know how that will work.

I am guessing your partner is giving you no indication that he still has feelings for ex? Or are you worried he does and you will lose him because he's spending time in her presence?

I've also just found out that I'm pregnant and I feel like the life I wanted for myself has been ripped away.

You are unhappy with your OH already having a family. You wanted a tidy little nuclear family with no-one else in it. You feel jealous, unimportant, competitive and resentful of his child and his co-parenting. OH wasn’t excited to start a family.

Just explain at what point you thought having a baby was a good idea???

I think it’s best you end the relationship. You sound very controlling and you can’t ask that they don’t attend events together. That’s ridiculous. I feel sorry for the 4 year old because if you’d stayed you’d most likely have caused numerous issues between two parents who sound like they’re doing a great job co parenting their child.

My children have a DSM and I’m so glad she’s rational. Quite frankly if she’d ever tried to stop us co-parenting and attending events together she’d have been told where to go. I’m also a SM and it would never have crossed my mind to ask him not to attend events with the mother of his children. I was always looking forward to hearing all about it when he got back and seeing any photos.

He's not appeasing the ex wife or performance parenting his child.

He's just parenting his child.

You're his partner, he shouldn't need to parent you as well.

You need to stop losing your shit about someone behaving like a decent father sorry if this sounds harsh, grow up a bit. He is doing the right thing by his child, and it's you that's being unreasonable here.

Pregnancy absolutely makes feelings more heightened, but you need to think about this a bit clearer, you really do.

I've been in your position. Trust me it doesn't change.

You will also be 4th! Your child will not be 4th thou....

it's hard when your child arrives.. you won't get the same attention you want.

You will have to learn to adapt.

You sound as though your anxiety is out of control and it’s making you unreasonable and controlling. You can’t tell him not to drive or sit with the mother of his child if they are going to the same place. Are you worried that they’re going to have sex at the Christmas assembly or something? To be honest, if you have a breakdown that lasts days every time he talks to the ex he is going to leave you. Nobody should have to put up with that level of manipulation or silent treatment. If you would really rather they hated each other instead of working to coparent amicably for the benefit of their child then that says a lot about the kind of person you are.

I agree.

It's so difficult because I love him. We hardly argue but when we do it's about his ex.

I've had enough of feeling so low in myself and insecure in my relationship because of it.

This really is the tip of the iceberg, it's the days out together and the constant phone calls constant texts.

I can't even begin to get excited about my own pregnancy as everything is linked to hers

You’re jealous and nasty with it. What a horrible thing to say.

Something isn't quite right here. Seeing him take his parenting duties seriously and working in partnership with his ex should be a green flag.. but you see it as as a slight and makes you jealous. It seems as you might have some work to do with regards to perspective, anxiety and viewing this from a more mature perspective

It is very unreasonable.

Jealousy is eating you up op. I do understand, and it's not your fault your feelings are your feelings and they are valid. Continuing with the pregnancy and trying to negotiate a peaceful life under the current circumstances sounds like the hardest option here. I really don't mean this to sound patronising, but use this to learn about yourself and make choices which better suit you from now on. All the best x

This sounds very unhealthy. I would think really hard about tying yourself into a lifetime commitment with this man. You are already resentful that he co-parents responsibly to his first child. That resentment will eventually spill over to his first child who will pick up on it and things will just go downhill. Either change your mindset, understand that your partner is doing the right thing and be supportive, or end the relationship.

You’re not arguing about the ex. You’re arguing because you don’t want to be with a man who already has a family.

Yabu

I don't really understand why you thought it would be a good idea to bring a child into this relationship if you've been struggling with this dynamic so much.

Days out together is a touch extreme, in my opinion but that seems like quite a drip feed considering your initial issue was him attending school events with his ex wife.

Are you counting school events as “days out together?”.

You definitely do not sound mature enough to have a child.

I wouldn’t put up with the level of contact he has with his ex. It’s not needed.

Leave and make a choice to continue the pregnancy or not. Personally I wouldn’t as it would be a life of seeing how he treats them different.

Can you take some time off work and spend it with your support system ?

Yabvu that he doesn’t even drive to events with his ex but you’re right that the number of events are going to increase.

It sounds like ex has a much better life now. Her ex will put in an effort when he sees his child and being a part-time parent means that he is putting in effort like going to school events.

It’s good for the son that mum and dad can be friendly and live near enough to do school events etc and Yabu to ask him not to drive to events together etc as it’s not a sign that he secretly wants to get back with her or anything like that.

22 is very young to deal with stepchildren and ex-wives and yanbu if you decide to leave him because I’m of it. There are much less complicated men out there although your pregnancy may have changed the likelihood of a more peaceful life.

You're arguing because you don't know how to deal with him being a good dad.

Do everyone a favour and don't continue your pregnancy. Your child doesn't need this complicated life, and you're young enough to conceive again.

Hang on...you're pregnant with his child?? How do you want YOUR co-parenting relationship to be if you leave and he finds another partner? Would you be happy for her to dictate how he parents and communicates with you?

I think you need to take a step back and think about where these feelings are coming from, they are possibly linked to hidden feelings of resentment towards your own father.

Hormones do stupid things to our emotions when pregnant, think about things and talk things through with him and your friends before you make any big decisions...

That’s extremely unreasonable. Even if DH and I loathed each other we’d put on a united from to support DD. It’s really good for her that her parents are parenting amicably.

I would also bare that in mind, you are having a child with a man who takes parenting seriously so if your relationship ever breaks down think about how you would want him to behave towards you and your joint child.

Also early pregnancy does a number on you. I wouldn’t be trashing your relationship just yet.