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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Support thread for blended families?

184 replies

Blending123 · 04/06/2024 14:31

I wondered if anyone would like to join a support thread for living as a blended family?

So we've got somewhere to vent about the daily issues that annoy us - without having to set the scene with a big back story first, and hopefully for people not feeling the need to say LTB every time which tends to happen a lot when people post about step families.

Also hopefully we can celebrate the good bits - and remind ourselves why we are doing this- and what the vision is that we're aiming towards.

I joined an MN support thread when I was getting divorced which was really helpful- and basically carried me through. And I joined one when I was dating and met the love of my life.

So it could be something really useful, especially as I don't know any other families like ours ❤️

OP posts:
Lemonmelon1 · 15/08/2024 16:23

We are on day 4 of sc being here for a week and I am so over it all. I've had to come to my bedroom multiple times today because they are just triggering me. That means I'm not get as much time with my kids too. I know hubby is annoyed it me not bonding with his child but so much has gone on and so much resentment built up I just can't do it right now 😭

Ducksgalore · 15/08/2024 17:09

Illpickthatup · 15/08/2024 12:44

I agree. She should be able to see all 4 of you getting on of he thinks it's that important. It sounds like you can't be invited because his ego can't get over her partner being there. So he is putting his feelings above yours.

I don't agree that kids need to see their parent get on if they don't. Absolutely don't be screaming and shouting in front of them or bitching about the other parent but there's no need to pretend to be friends.

My DH and his ex do not get on. Like at all. They barely communicate and if we need to be in the same room we avoid each other. SD has never commented on it and I'm sure is just glad all her parents are there supporting her. I wasn't able to go to her nursery Xmas show because there were limited tickets, 2 per child, and she asked why I wasn't there.

You should be your partners priority and you're not. Right now he's prioritising himself and his ex over you. Speak to him and if he doesn't think you matter enough to change his ways then leave. You should be a main character in your own life, not a supporting actor!

Show quote history

I think they need to see them getting on, but I think that's limited to pick ups and drop offs. I don't think that requires them spending any more time that that together ie they don't need to go for days out and pretend to be happy families.

I plan to have as calm a conversation with him as possible, but it's hard because it is an emotional subject.

CandiedPrincess · 15/08/2024 22:11

Lemonmelon1 · 15/08/2024 16:23

We are on day 4 of sc being here for a week and I am so over it all. I've had to come to my bedroom multiple times today because they are just triggering me. That means I'm not get as much time with my kids too. I know hubby is annoyed it me not bonding with his child but so much has gone on and so much resentment built up I just can't do it right now 😭

I have to do that sometimes. He used to moan at me about being anti-social but actually as time has gone on he recognises we're all happy if I can just have my space.

Original poster
Blending123 · 15/08/2024 23:41

Ahh sorry to hear of those difficulties @Ducksgalore.

It sounds like you don't have your own children. Is that something you're working towards with your DP.

I think he won't necessarily know how you feel unless you tell him. And while he might dismiss what you say the first few times, if you start saying it he will eventually listen, and it will go in.

You owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself and your needs.

When you have your own children that comes easy in some respects as you can put everything on the fact you're protecting your children etc.

But when you don't have your own children it can be easy to diminish yourself and your role.

I do have my own children but one of the worst times in my relationship was when I went on a big long extended family holiday with my DP and his kids. It literally felt like I had no rights at all, and his bonding time with his extended family and kids came above everything else. To be fair it was me thinking that rather than him. But it took an intervention of sorts from his sister and bil to make me realise I had some rights on the holiday - and it was actually my holiday too. It still makes me sad thinking of the whole thing. So I understand to a small extent how you're feeling.

I think your DP is going for the path of least resistance. He doesn't want to rock the boat with his ex or his dd, which means it's up to you to advocate for what you want - which isn't unreasonable if it's making you feel sad.

If he wants you to be part of his and DD's life- then he can't just cut you out of bits of it and expect you to be fine with that.

OP posts:
Pinkwinks35 · 18/08/2024 13:14

Illpickthatup · 04/06/2024 14:36

Brace yourself for the non step-parents hijacking the thread to tell us we're all monsters who hate our stepkids and we knew what we were getting into! 🤣

Genuine question - Do they scour all the step parent threads to hunt us down? 😅They should really have their own support group…but to be fair I actually get more hate from my SS mum BECAUSE I love him so much and show him care and support, it actually makes her more hateful towards me and us as a family. she’d probably feel better if I was mean and excluded him from everything 😪 Btw in no way am I the perfect step parent, it’s taken me years to get to a good place and to feel proud as a step parent.

Illpickthatup · 18/08/2024 13:44

Pinkwinks35 · 18/08/2024 13:14

Genuine question - Do they scour all the step parent threads to hunt us down? 😅They should really have their own support group…but to be fair I actually get more hate from my SS mum BECAUSE I love him so much and show him care and support, it actually makes her more hateful towards me and us as a family. she’d probably feel better if I was mean and excluded him from everything 😪 Btw in no way am I the perfect step parent, it’s taken me years to get to a good place and to feel proud as a step parent.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah you can't win as a stepmum sometimes. I'm at the stage now where I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks. I must give off that vibe or maybe I just surround myself with non judgey people because I never really get many comments in real life. And the ex is completely blocked from contacting me so who knows what she thinks but I don't ever hear it and I really don't care about her opinion of me.

CandiedPrincess · 18/08/2024 16:48

Spending Sunday solo parenting our DS as DH is out with the SC. I guess to be fair, it's my choice as I'd rather not go with them as I just get a bit irked and also want to be able to spend time with my DS at the weekend, rather than DH take him with them all the time. But it does get a bit draining, I'd love to have a nuclear family.

Lemonmelon1 · 18/08/2024 20:29

CandiedPrincess · 18/08/2024 16:48

Spending Sunday solo parenting our DS as DH is out with the SC. I guess to be fair, it's my choice as I'd rather not go with them as I just get a bit irked and also want to be able to spend time with my DS at the weekend, rather than DH take him with them all the time. But it does get a bit draining, I'd love to have a nuclear family.

We've had sc here for a week and hubby actually complained that I was doing stuff alone with my kids and not including them. I think it's good for him to have one on one time with his child. It's been such a testing week tbh.
I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. I've tried to like the kid but so much has happened and so much hurt and resentment I just can't seem to get past it.

CandiedPrincess · 20/08/2024 15:45

I just want them all to move out now. I've tried it for five years and I am unhappy. DH on the otherhand thinks everything is awesome.

Thursdaygirl · 20/08/2024 15:58

I don't think many people genuinely enjoy other people's children, even though you're not supposed to say that!

Lemonmelon1 · 21/08/2024 08:05

Thursdaygirl · 20/08/2024 15:58

I don't think many people genuinely enjoy other people's children, even though you're not supposed to say that!

Exactly this. It's easy to spend a few hours or a day out with other peoples kids but when it comes to them actually being in your house long term it's blood tough!
Why did we get ourselves into this lol. That's what I keep asking myself. If I'd have known it was like this at the start I wouldn't have dated anyone with kids!

Ducksgalore · 23/08/2024 13:41

Blending123 · 15/08/2024 23:41

Ahh sorry to hear of those difficulties @Ducksgalore.

It sounds like you don't have your own children. Is that something you're working towards with your DP.

I think he won't necessarily know how you feel unless you tell him. And while he might dismiss what you say the first few times, if you start saying it he will eventually listen, and it will go in.

You owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself and your needs.

When you have your own children that comes easy in some respects as you can put everything on the fact you're protecting your children etc.

But when you don't have your own children it can be easy to diminish yourself and your role.

I do have my own children but one of the worst times in my relationship was when I went on a big long extended family holiday with my DP and his kids. It literally felt like I had no rights at all, and his bonding time with his extended family and kids came above everything else. To be fair it was me thinking that rather than him. But it took an intervention of sorts from his sister and bil to make me realise I had some rights on the holiday - and it was actually my holiday too. It still makes me sad thinking of the whole thing. So I understand to a small extent how you're feeling.

I think your DP is going for the path of least resistance. He doesn't want to rock the boat with his ex or his dd, which means it's up to you to advocate for what you want - which isn't unreasonable if it's making you feel sad.

If he wants you to be part of his and DD's life- then he can't just cut you out of bits of it and expect you to be fine with that.

So we talked and he's taken it all on board. He never fully understood just how invested I was or how much I really wanted to be involved.

I don't have my own, but it is something that we are talking about as a couple. There are still some things that make me uncomfortable that we are trying to work through and talk through calmly (which is sometimes extremely difficult as it's emotional subjects and the emotions sometimes get the better of both of us), and he can be very blinkered with the "I'm doing this for dd" in certain situations, which naturally makes you feel unimportant and like a second class citizen.

Right now, I'm just trying to focus on the here and now, and the positives that can come with being a step-parent. Yes there are some really tough, emotional and horrid times but, I also get so much happiness out of it. I miss sd when she isn't here, and I've really grown to love her and have her being in my face and space all the time, even if she is riffling through some of my things. We laugh and we bond, and I really enjoy empowering her to do things for herself and be more independent (even for a 5 year old!), and getting to teach her things like how to ride a bike, and put her own shoes on the right feet, and lots of other nonsense. We watch disney together, and I'm getting the joy with dp, of taking her on her first holiday abroad, which I've loved planning.

CandiedPrincess · 23/08/2024 13:57

My biggest advice @Ducksgalore is think carefully before having a child because in my opinion, it doesn't get an easier and I spend every other weekend and a some weeknights basically solo parenting because my DH is busy doing stuff with his children. The resentment is huge.

Original poster
Blending123 · 23/08/2024 17:58

That all sounds really positive @Ducksgalore, that's great you had a good talk and he hadn't understood how you had been feeling.

I also had a good talk with DP when I came back from holiday without him. And funnily enough I think he hadn't realised how much I cared about us and our relationship.

We've now had nearly a month of bliss and understanding.

We know that as we go into the new school term unexpected issues will hit us. But I really hope we can be stronger through it all this time.

The hardest thing I find is constantly adapting to a different living situation. We had one week with DP and my children only, where we got in our stride with that. Then a few days just me and DP which we settled into. Now it's me and DP and his children, which I'm adjusting to again. As our roles and responsibilities and ability to relax changes depending whose children it is. Plus loads of resentments or feelings of being left out and not wanted. Plus missing my own children, and feeling jealous.

None of those feelings are that strong at the moment. But I can recognise they're all there.

My main focus for my own wellbeing is to have lots of rest, health and fitness and a healthy diet and early nights- and that kind of keeps me going!

OP posts:
Ducksgalore · 12/09/2024 19:52

How are we all doing?

It's been a tough week or so for us here.. We've noticed a markedly downturn in SD behaviour. Not sure if it's struggling to settle into school, or if it's containing alot of behaviour in school and it's all being released at home. It's been a tough slog, and doesn't help that today is handover day and SD is back with us after 2 nights at her mums, meaning DP is letting alot of behaviour slide.

Also dealing with some family news on an aunt needing chemo, which has triggered a lot of memories and emotions for myself and left me with zero energy, zero patience and alot of frustration and anger, making it hard to stay in the moment around DP and SD.

Delightofturkish · 01/10/2024 08:53

On the whole is it a good idea are you glad you moved in together ? I’m at the beginning stage ..contemplating I have 2 teens full time & DP has a tween eow.
we earn the same money ..so would 50/50 in bills be best way forward ? Is that fair when I have 2 full time & he has one eow?

Ducksgalore · 01/10/2024 12:37

Delightofturkish · 01/10/2024 08:53

On the whole is it a good idea are you glad you moved in together ? I’m at the beginning stage ..contemplating I have 2 teens full time & DP has a tween eow.
we earn the same money ..so would 50/50 in bills be best way forward ? Is that fair when I have 2 full time & he has one eow?

On the whole, I'm glad we moved in together. It's not easy, we have differing views on things and we're still working things out, and it can be bumpy at times e.g. we have a calendar on the fridge for childcare so that I am in the loop of when SD is here or at her mums. It's not been updated for this month yet which is an annoyance to me as I know he knows what days she is/isn't here and I feel in the dark about it.

A big thing that I'm still adjusting to is SD wanting to be in amongst all my things. So, if I don't want that, I have to make sure everything is put away out of reach.

Only you and your partner can decide if a straight 50/50 split financially is best for you. We split most things 50/50, household stuff, food bills, days out etc. The only thing I pay for 100% is our weekly swimming because it's something that I started and want to encourage, and it's a relatively cheap bit of entertainment one evening through the week.

I don't buy clothes or toys for SD, purely because she has/gets so much as it is.

KitKatChonky · 08/10/2024 21:31

Would people not recommend living together? My partner and I are discussing it - he has small children (aged 7-9) who I have a decent relationship with. I’ve none of my own. Ex-wife hates me. He currently has them every weekend, and around half of the school holidays. For what reasons would people advise against moving in, or what would you advise to help make a success of it?

HebburnPokemon · 10/10/2024 14:31

Hi folks. Our contact week starts today. Pray for me.

Thursdaygirl · 10/10/2024 17:34

HebburnPokemon · 10/10/2024 14:31

Hi folks. Our contact week starts today. Pray for me.

Sending prayers! Have you stocked up with wine?

CMC1234 · 26/11/2024 02:52

Hi, this sounds really helpful. How do I join this group?

Newly blended family with 4 kids (2 from DPs previous marriage) my son and our daughter who was born just a few weeks ago. My son has additional learning needs with suspected autism and ADHD and is finding the change challenging which is causing considerable tension.

CMC1234 · 26/11/2024 02:53

Hi, this sounds really helpful. How do I join this group?
Newly blended family with 4 kids (2 from DPs previous marriage) my son and our daughter who was born just a few weeks ago. My son has additional learning needs with suspected autism and ADHD and is finding the change challenging which is causing considerable tension.

Ducksgalore · 24/12/2024 23:05

I know this thread has been extremely quiet but I really need to vent...

We don't have SD tonight, Christmas Eve, she's with her mum and her mums partner. That had always been the plan.

We went out for dinner, and DP had already checked in a few times between leaving the house and arriving at the restaurant on SD... Throughout dinner he had brought his phone out a couple of times to check in again - there's no illness or anything wrong, SD is just at her mums and is back tomorrow morning... Phones during dinner is an absolute bug bear of mines no matter who it is, so I huffed (I know, not the best move) about being able to just get through dinner without a phone and it has blown right up, mountain out of molehill type thing in my opinion. I'm being accused of being controlling and implying that he can't miss his daughter, which absolutely is not the case. I understand he misses her, I miss her when she's not here too and it's sad that she's not here Christmas eve and we don't have that buzz; I just wanted us to have dinner out as a couple without the interruption of phones as it's been a bit rocky lately between us.

Original poster
Blending123 · 25/12/2024 17:22

Hi @Ducksgalore I mega understand DP has been constantly checking up on SS today.

He lives with us full time, and is having some much needed time with his mum.

Does your sd normally live with you not her mum?

It's so easy for anything to trigger all the usual resentments.

DP and I have been getting on so well lately- it's scary how fast it can descend back down.

OP posts:
Ducksgalore · 25/12/2024 17:47

Blending123 · 25/12/2024 17:22

Hi @Ducksgalore I mega understand DP has been constantly checking up on SS today.

He lives with us full time, and is having some much needed time with his mum.

Does your sd normally live with you not her mum?

It's so easy for anything to trigger all the usual resentments.

DP and I have been getting on so well lately- it's scary how fast it can descend back down.

Yeah SD normally spends the majority of the time each week with us.

I don't mind the checking in, but we've been fairly rocky the last couple of weeks and all I was looking for was some much needed child free quality time together.

I understand the emotional side, but the aftermath has been horrendous. DP hasn't spoken to me since last night, stormed out, slept/locked himself in SD room and then barely acknowledged me this morning. I've had a total of 6 words across 2 responses since last night.

I sent a voice note this morning yo DP for SD to say Happy Christmas as tbh, I wasn't 100% sure I'd see her before bedtime or even be back this evening. He eventually text to say that they would be home around 6ish and they didn't do presents so that I wasn't "missing out".

It just feels like no matter what I would have said or done, this is all going to be twisted to be my fault. SD had to wait to open her presents because I wasn't here when she came home, but if I stayed there would have been such a horrendous atmosphere. I've raced home to be sure I was in before them so that she didn't have to wait any longer, but I'm really not even looking forward to them coming home because I don't know what demeanor is coming in the door with DP. Is it going to be sweetness and light until SD goes to bed then the cold shoulder? Is it going to be the cold shoulder the whole time? Or is there potential for apologies (perhaps on both sides?) over last night's actions?

It's a really awful way to be feeling.

I hope everything with you and your DP stays wonderful and you've had a lovely Christmas ❤️