Support thread for blended families?

[Blending123]

I wondered if anyone would like to join a support thread for living as a blended family?

So we've got somewhere to vent about the daily issues that annoy us - without having to set the scene with a big back story first, and hopefully for people not feeling the need to say LTB every time which tends to happen a lot when people post about step families.

Also hopefully we can celebrate the good bits - and remind ourselves why we are doing this- and what the vision is that we're aiming towards.

I joined an MN support thread when I was getting divorced which was really helpful- and basically carried me through. And I joined one when I was dating and met the love of my life.

So it could be something really useful, especially as I don't know any other families like ours ❤️

Ahh @workworkwork123 I would have hoped ours would be better at 10 years too!!

We're a year in and I can really see how easy it is to get entrenched into roles and routines which isn't what I want.

I have to say, for all our issues we don't have any issues with the ex. Well for me at least.

My ex is an absolute terror, but we've got court orders etc, so it doesn't affect our weekly routine and it is what it is really.

My advice for anyone near the start of this journey is be loud and proud about your needs as a member of the family and how you want to step parent

I didn't, and I'm now having to retrospectively put in place my expectations about my role in the family and my needs. Luckily DP is (mainly) understanding, but it would have been far easier if I'd advocated for myself from the start rather than going along with things I wasn't comfortable with to make everyone else's life easier!

I'd love to join too please.

1 DSD in the house and it can be a right struggle at times.

As with other PPs, the impact that my DPs ex has on our lives is a stress at times. It's supposed to be 50/50 custody, but we have DSD at least 70% of the time each month, and each time she comes back from her mum's it's like starting from scratch again with the basics.

We're trying so hard but sometimes it feels like a losing battle and is exhausting.

@Ducksgalore that was our experience until circumstances led to them staying here 100%, you have my sympathy.

Clear, calm and consistent reinforcement and much counting to 10 helped (in front of the DSDs, behind closed doors I was not so calm😂)

Ours runs along quite well. There are no issues between my ex and I. In fact we get on well. Dh has no kids or ex wives so that's straightforward too.
However now that my ds is a teen I'm finding it exhausting to mediate between them. They've always got on pretty well but suddenly there seems to be a battle to be alpha male in the house. Dh demands respect. Ds doesn't see why he should give it. He can be rude but equally dh can be picky and goady, it's exhausting being stuck in the middle.
When I've posted about issues between them before I've always been told to LTB and prioritise my son as though this is just some flash in the pan relationship, not a 7 year one where my dh has known ds for half of his life.
I wonder if people would be so quick to say leave a relationship if it were a bio child/father not getting along.

Can I join please? Not sure if you can class us as blended as I live separately from my boyfriend but we do spend lots of time together across 2 houses which is a bit of a nightmare.

I have a pretty awful co-parent relationship with my ex. He left 6 years ago for his affair partner who, in turn, moved countries shortly after whilst pregnant with his son. Ex now spends 1 and a half weeks of each month with her and 2 and a half weeks in the UK seeing our shared children (17 & 14). He doesn't have the kids a lot, roughly 8 nights a month as he has to work while here and fits in all his work trips etc while he's UK based. The kids therefore don't ask him or contact him for anything. He pays less than CMS maintenance and pleads poverty constantly but always finds enough for flights!

My boyfriend of 3 years also has 2 kids (10 & 7) and has 50/50 custody. He has a pretty good coparent relationship however, ex still has some lingering feelings for him I think and can often blur the lines between child related communication and her personal needs. They split because she had met someone else although the relationship didn't work out.
The kids are great and seem to like me a lot which has caused some issues with the ex although we do get along well face to face. The main issue I have is the volume of communication, multiple texts and phone calls a day when she has the kids. Sometimes absolutely valid and others seem odd such as calling for advice on simple issues like how to manage a fever (she's clinically trained). Phone calls always seem to be as we are sitting down for dinner or in the middle of something. When boyfriend has the kids she's very quiet and he doesn't contact her unless absolutely necessary. She is always asking for extra stuff to be dropped off when she has the kids and expects this almost immediately but is never available to do the same in reverse.

We have talked about moving in together but haven't put any arrangements in place as such.

Counting to 20 may be more effective sometimes! 🤣 Thank you for the sympathy though! Sometimes it feels like talking to a brick wall!

@jjpolly90 hope you're doing OK ❤️ it's a tough gig at times

My DHs ex is definitely the biggest issue in our blended family situation. Aside from that I actually love stepmum life.

Things have gotten easier with the ex over time mostly due to us having strong boundaries with her. The grey rock method is your friend here. I've also learned to let go of the things I can't control. I used to get so wound up by every little thing she did until I realised that all that was doing was dragging me down. I can't control her behaviour, only how I allow it to impact me. Now I mostly just roll my eyes and move on with my day.

I think your OH and his ex needs to sit down and come up with a structured parenting plan. It's not fair that you can't plan anything and are at the ex's beck and call. It's also better for the kids as routine is much better than them no knowing where they're going to be week to week. Also, don't allow yourself to be free childcare. If your OH won't sit down and draw up a proper parenting plan then he needs to be responsible for accomodation his children when he agrees to have them.

I think until he gets his kids into a good routine and behaving properly you should stay living apart. He's exhausted because parenting is exhausting. You have obviously parented well I've the years and have a child who is easy to live with. It's not your job to fix his and his exes previous poor parenting.

It's also possible to get the kids in a good routine despite things being different at the exes. We have a similar situation in that it's a bit of a free for all at the exes. No proper meal times or bedtimes, unlimited screen time. The ex has even told DH a few times that she is sick of DSDs behaviour and attitude and has called him early in the morning tearing her hair out because she can't get them out to school. We have never had any problems with DSDs behaviour, she's an absolute angel and a great kid. And we never had issues getting the kids out to school.

Of course we've had the odd "my mum lets me....." And we just explain that in mum's house she makes the rules and in our house we do. Kids are used to different rules even when they're not living in 2 homes. There will be different rules at school, in a restaurant, library etc. And the manage to adapt fine so they are capable of managing different rules between houses too.

Your OH should continue with his parenting until things improve. Remember it's not just you who has to live with them, it's your child.

I could see why this would be annoying. She's acting like they are still together by communicating so much. She needs to learn to deal with the kids on her own.

We have 50:50 and DH and his ex never communicate unless to request a schedule change or for something important like feedback from a doctors appointment.

Your OH can't control how ex's behaviour but he can't control how he deals with it. If she's texting and calling constantly then he needs to send a clear message that she should only be contacting him if absolutely necessary. He should respond to anything that's not absolutely necessary. If she continues with the communication then consider blocking her number and using a parenting app or setting up a separate email account which he can check once or twice a week around transitions in case of pick-up/drop-off changes.

Hello 👋🏼

Marrying my partner this year, I have one dc12 and he has one dc11. Together dc3.

Partners child lives far away so only have them in school half terms and half in summer.

The ex is a nightmare. Their child has zero rules or boundaries there. She's now massively overweight on the 99th centile; we have tried to hard to try and speak to mum about this. But obviously it gets her back up. It's so sad.

This half term we checked dc11 phone and they had written a note about how they hate being so fat, how they cry in the mirror and they don't want to eat bad anymore but can't help it.

It was heartbreaking to read. But still, mum doesn't want to know and anything my partner says she just bites back and is nasty.

He had to take her to court earlier this year which put more of a strain on their co parenting relationship, especially because the judge ordered everything in partners favour.

I find it hard when dc11 is here as they are unbelievably lazy, very slob like and this time, were really rude and ill mannered. Apart from that, they are fine.

Trying to take my two dc away with my mum in summer so I'm not here for the three weeks with them.

@illpickthatup - thank you for responding. He did try to work on the communication a year ago as it was new year's eve, she had the kids, and started trying to pick a fight about something random. He made sure the kids were ok and suggested that she enjoyed her evening and said he would be turning his phone off so that he could enjoy his. Things did improve for a while but has crept back up over the past year to where we are.

Completely agree that he needs to control how he responds to her instead of going along with it 'for the kids'. Just leaving them too it now, the funny thing is, he notices it more now I'm not pointing it out.

Today as an example, kids are with us for the weekend and pick up is this eve at 7. Already been on the phone to ask if he can get pick up early as she is going out (not a problem), detail of where she is going, who with, is anything needed for weekend specifically. Can she borrow something and can he drop off tomorrow morning (said no will take this eve). What our plans are for the weekend (decorating bedrooms), colour schemes we are doing and if anything going spare that she could have or send to family.

Yeah that's far too much. He needs to just reply to the necessary question and ignore the rest, so "5pm is fine".

I don't think there's anything wrong with being on friendly terms with your ex but when it becomes too overbearing and there's evidence of feelings there it's a dangerous game. I also feel when there's new partners involved it's not fair as disclosure of certain information is also their partner personal business as well.

Agree that being friends isn't an issue and most certainly helps at 'family' events like sports days, birthdays etc. For what it's worth I get along with her relatively well under these circumstances too.
It does sometimes feel that she knows an awful lot of my personal information and has quite an insight into my life which is slightly uncomfortable. Most of that is from the kids though being fair 😂.

@Illpickthatup oh I totally agree. My DH has tried multiple times to ask/tell his ex that there needs to be structure, but she denies every time, responding that it's not possible due to her work.

The only option I can think of is Court, but DH doesn't want to go down that route as he fears his ex turning the children against him.

Is there another route we could take that's not quite as strong as Court?! I don't know.

Mediation would be a good option. DH and his ex managed to draw up an agreement through mediation. Court now requires you to have attempted mediation before you can apply for a court order anyway.

Even if she's not able to agree to certain days due to shift work, they could agree that things are arranged in advance and with a certain amount of notice so at least you're not dealing with last minute changes.

We had years of difficulty with schedules being created day by day, refusal to engage with any kind of routine etc etc. along with a lot of high conflict behaviour. I've spent much of my relationship in flight or fight, waiting for the next explosion alongside having to support DP to get to a place where he felt able to say no and advocate for DSDs.

I recommend the book Say Goodbye to Crazy (nb not a fan of the language used in the title) but it contains solid advice on changing your responses and actions rather than expecting a high conflict individual who thrives on the conflict to change.

Particularly useful, if like in our case, mediation is refused and there are solid reasons for avoiding the legal route.

I’m really struggling at the moment been with my partner 6 years living together for 3 years, at first he and my daughter got along ok, when we moved into a house we both co own and built , my daughter was not keen on moving , although not too far from the old house and in the same area , closer to her then college friends, anyways moving on, they now can’t stand each other , don’t speak , actively avoid each other , came to a head a few months ago, he said either she moved out or we sell the house , so my response was we sell the house, got the house valued , now he is saying , but with little actual physical speaking , he stays in the bedroom I’m in the spare room , speaking through text messages mostly , she can stay another 18 months makes her then 24 , she currently has fallen out with me this week , and not speaking to me either , she isn’t aware of this new compromise, but I doubt she will be happy, she thinks I chose him over her, it’s such I mess, today I am the only one home , they are both out doing their own thing , he says he loves me but I don’t see it in his actions , I am in my 50s in a job I don’t really care about , I just want a peaceful caring household , but this isn’t it

It could be work looking at mediation and hopefully that could help.

I hate being a step-parent and I loathe my step-daughter. Yes, I said it. She made up a disgusting lie about my son and, when it was established that it literally couldn’t have happened, she finally backed down.

I’m never thanked for birthday and Christmas presents even though I spend ages choosing them. I’ve decided that, from this year, DH can be in charge of that. Whilst the money can come from our joint account my name isn’t going on the card.

Both my kids and I have been called a combination of nasty/weird/uptight/horrible/bitch/slag. You name it.

The ex went around telling everyone that DH and I had an affair that ended their marriage. The only people unaware of this affair were me and DH 🙄

So much more but I basically hate it all.

I would have just said ‘no’ to the activity. You’ve already got plans which have been in place for some time. Not your problem that she didn’t check with you. We had to establish that years ago with DH’s ex regarding school trips after she booked a really expensive one and demanded 50% of the cost. We said an outright no to that.

DH said that where things are 50/50, unless things are discussed beforehand then there is no guarantee that we will say yes. Any plans we have will come first and if we haven’t had a chance to evaluate finances then there may not be the spare cash.

I appreciate what I’m saying is slightly different but I feel the principle is the same.

AIBU... I've asked my P to bit have DSD4 in the bedroom/bed Monday-Friday whilst getting ready for work in the mornings, but more than happy for her to be there at the weekend. DP is telling me I'm being inconsistent.. Am I?

Hi @ducksgalore, it's difficult to say without understanding the reasons why she can't come in during the week?