Support thread for blended families?

[Blending123]

I wondered if anyone would like to join a support thread for living as a blended family?

So we've got somewhere to vent about the daily issues that annoy us - without having to set the scene with a big back story first, and hopefully for people not feeling the need to say LTB every time which tends to happen a lot when people post about step families.

Also hopefully we can celebrate the good bits - and remind ourselves why we are doing this- and what the vision is that we're aiming towards.

I joined an MN support thread when I was getting divorced which was really helpful- and basically carried me through. And I joined one when I was dating and met the love of my life.

So it could be something really useful, especially as I don't know any other families like ours ❤️

Thanks @thestepmumspacepodcast I really enjoy your podcast- it's so refreshing to hear people talk about all the varied issues.

I don't know how many other people find this, but actually being a step mum is absolutely fine. If I just had to look after two other children, there'd be a few minor issues, but overall we'd be fine.

It's having their father living there too and poking his nose in everywhere checking if everything's'fair'.

We don't really have any probs with exes or the children- it's just us trying to both be parents in the same space which is proving impossible.

And this is coming from a 5yr absolutely rock solid relationship. So I didn't anticipate any issues between us, and there are now thousands 😔

@Stepmumptsd your last post interested me as I am having similar thoughts myself. DP and I havnt done a joint holiday with all our kids since 2019. Every year my Mum takes my DD away for a few days in the summer, this year for the first time I am joining them. DP is very unhappy about this as he hasn't organised any trip away with his kids and wanted us all to go away again. I've told him multiple time that we won't have a joint holiday again, but he persists.

Interesting point too @Blending123 about this issue being the actual parents. I'm inclined to agree with you. I like to think I'm a fair stepmum, in my situation I will not tolerate the expectation to put my needs and those of my kids below DP and his. If we can't be equal it's not for me.

I love your podcast. Thank you so much for doing it. It’s so helpful. It makes me feel sane.

When I went on holiday with DP and his kids and they were rude, I would sigh and DP would focus on my reaction way more than on their behaviour. How convenient.

I decided to leave him to see only their behaviour by leaving him with them alone.

He’s totally focused on improving how they are now. It’s going quite well.

I have since agreed I’ll stay with him and his kids on some weekdays - there’s structure on these days, and a nanny.

I’ve said I want them to have a bedtime routine and for DP and me to eat together after they’re in bed (the kids only like meat and carbs and don’t wait for people to start and eat with their hands, but that’s DP’s issue. I want cutlery and manners and vegetables).

He’s making it work. I’m getting lots of progress updates.

Holidays still feel too hard.

What might make them work? Other than gallons of wine?

Hi@Stepmumptsd that sounds really good that you took a stand and it made a difference. Do you not have your own children? So is the only issue how far you want to get involved with your DP's children?

Will you have an opportunity for you and DP to have a holiday without the kids as well- or will it just be one with them?

I did this last year and massively regretted it for hundreds of reasons. But the main problem was I kept on thinking my role was to be there to support his precious bonding time with his children. So I completely suppressed any need or want I had for the whole holiday.

In hindsight I should have been really clear about me having an equal right to be there as anyone else.

I'd thought of loads of great activities I knew the children would love - and we could all participate in. But for various reasons we did none of them.

So I guess my advice to you is to be there fully present as making the holiday work for you. Maybe come up with a plan in advance and talk it through with DP. This is your holiday and your annual leave you're using - so what would make it really great for you?

That's great that there are improvements, it does seem for a lot of these parents that when left alone they start to realise what their kids are like.

For me, nothing could tempt me to have another holiday with us all together. There isn't enough wine in all the world to make me think it would be a good idea 😂

@Stepmumptsd When I went on holiday with DP and his kids and they were rude, I would sigh and DP would focus on my reaction way more than on their behaviour. How convenient.

That's because it's way easier to sigh at you than to:

1. admit out loud that there is a problem
2. do something about it

Honestly, this Disney Dadding does kids no favours! You sound like all the things which matter to you are really reasonable.I'm glad your DP is making headway 💜

I’m so glad to have found this group. I don’t have a therapist, (yet!) but a lot of the posts I can resonate with and it’s so helpful in feeling less alone…

I’m living with my partner of almost three years, I moved in with him 18 months ago. Prior to this, I don’t think he’d been as open about his ex and the issues, and they have significantly increased since we’ve lived together.

My children are 15 and 12, so last year I caused them to have a massive upheaval in moving 50 mins away, changing schools, but I knew it would be for the better. They really get on with my partner, he’s a lovely influence on them and a great role model. It took time to settle and make new friends, but they have, and even now tell my how pleased they are we moved.

His children are 13 and 9, and have struggled through their parents separation in 2020. I don’t think they were ever given a clear understanding of the fact they were separating. Their mum will berate my partner and everything he does, despite him being an amazing father, he’s calm and loving to them, he always puts them first when he has them, he doesn’t really do much of his own plans (seeing friends or hobbies) unless I make plans for us, he works full time in a stressful job. He could do with firmer parenting imo but he doesn’t want them to hate him and risk losing their relationship. It’s definitely improved as I do point out some of the behaviours are pretty shocking, and he has tried to address things effectively more recently.

People will comment on here about us moving in too soon, and I get the views on that, but we felt it was right.

My partners ex is unbelievably problematic, and the more I learn about her, the more horrified I am for what their kids have experienced. I have met with her, as she requested to meet me prior to us going abroad with all of our kids last year, and I thought it could be progress but it went from bad to worse after that.

I’m going to look up these podcasts for my dog walk tonight!

When I went on holiday with DP and his kids and they were rude, I would sigh and DP would focus on my reaction way more than on their behaviour. How convenient.

@Stepmumptsd i have experienced this. It was fine for DSS to behave badly, but if I reacted to it, I became the bad guy. Go figure ….

That is such a great idea! I'd love to read cons & pros on blended families versus LAT (living apart together).

Thank you for the support.

I do now see that it was reasonable to expect respect and for my partner to step up as a properly involved parent.

I basically realised that unless I stepped back I would be crapfitting a bad situation into the good one I hoped for but definitely was not getting.

I also didn't want to stay with a Disney dad. I was fully prepared to leave it I didn't see him improve.

I was suffering quite a lot. I had become DP's human shield. His kids would disrespect me intensely then cuddle dad and tell him how much they loved him. They obviously had reasons for protest behaviour but also reasons to direct it at me instead of the biological parent/main provider of unlimited treats.

DP actually believed that his kids were affectionate to him because he was a Great Dad and not nice to me because I was Not Great.

But ha! Without me there DP's kids turned on him. He spent weekends in his bedroom hiding from them and texting me about how awful 'his' life had become.

I didn't enjoy seeing him suffer but it was useful for him to experience the consequence of guilty Disney-ing after a high conflict and disruptive divorce.

I knew it would happen and it was all he needed to wake himself up. He has now learned how and why to parent authoritatively.

DP's kids, I've seen on my occasional visits to his home while they are there, follow a consistent rules and rewards system. Screentime is earned. Slushies and games and takeaways are earned. The age of defiance is over. I'm very pleased for all of them.

I'm still stepped back though. Its hard to feel enough trust to go back in.

I'm on holiday with just my kids, and it's been some much needed time out from the chaos at home.

I'm feeling really sad because I can't talk to anyone in real life about our problems because they're so extreme.

I just feel really low and isolated, and so much tension and anxiety about going back home.

Hi, new to the board. Thanks for starting such a great post.
I know what you mean about feeling lonely and low. So many people just don't get it.
Make the most of all the time with your kids.

Hi, he's to this thread and thanks so much for such a great place for us to share.
I was with my ex for a very long time and have 3 children. Been with new hubby 2.5 years and married for 10 months. He has one child from his previous marriage.
Things were easy at the start. Hubby and I get on amazing and are both super laid back. He was doing way too much for his ex and there were no boundaries at the start. We've got past that stage now.
Been living together for 2 years. He told me him and his ex got on fine. But once the divorce started she changed. They were apart for 18 months before applying for a divorce.
She has caused so many issues since. The financial side of their divorce is still ongoing and has cost hubby a fortune. All the time he's not been able to contribute towards any of our house bills whilst still paying half her mortgage, child maintenance and a shed load of solicitor and court fees.
Hubby doesn't drive and we live 30 mins away from his child so I also have to do all the travelling to get him.
There is so much more too but I won't bore you with all the details.
So much resentment has built up in the last 8 months or so. I have mental health issues and all my children have additional needs. I am burnt out. My sc is a huge trigger for me and I can't stand being around them anymore.
I'm at a complete loss what to do.
I love my hubby so so much but being around his child is ruining my mental health. Just him talking about him triggers me now.
Help lol. X

Thanks @Lemonmelon1 and welcome to the thread 👋

I hope it will be helpful. I did actually want to share the good things too - not just moan about all my problems. But I think it's that point of the problems being so difficult- and always cropping up in different ways, which means they always take precedent.

I did actually manage to have a very short conversation with an old friend today, which has made me feel slightly better.

She knew me for the five years after my divorce when I was single. We were neighbours and single mums together.

We were online dating at the same time and babysat each other's children if necessary so the other could go on dates. So she was there all through me meeting and falling in love with DP.

And then she's seen us go ahead and build a life together. So she kind of put my problems in perspective and said every relationship goes through difficulties at some point, and she didn't think our issues seemed that significant in the grand scheme of our whole relationship, and it would probably be a blip we'd be able to work through.

I really wish I could've talked to her for a lot longer. I genuinely can't talk about our problems to anyone- because I don't want them casting judgement on me or our relationship.

The main issues are that DP can't really handle my children being there. He generally doesn't do anything specific- but he'll make himself scarce and not try to interact or make an effort in any way. It just feels like I'm living a life with someone massively judgmental on my shoulder. So I can't relax and feel tense the whole time.

But if his son is with us - which is every other weekend, it's absolutely awful. He is so sick-making over the top with his precious darling- and feels furious (but suppresses it) if any of my children dare to do or say anything that could possibly be perceived as slightly negative to his son. Considering they're all the same age and we live in a tiny house, that's pretty much every 2 minutes.
So I'm even more tense and on edge.

Then to make matters worse- I over care about his son at the expense of my own. But he interprets my over caring as being judgmental somehow, and massively gets the hump with me for being over critical.

And all of this is without him generally saying a word.

It's fucking awful to be honest. And messes with my sleep most of the time.

We kind of tried to address it by talking about it- but I don't really know where to start with solving any of it.

Sorry to hear of your problems @Lemonmelon1 that sounds really difficult.

Plus it's a shame you also need to do the driving for your SC when you've got enough of your own DC's problems to deal with.

Is there any way you could step back from SC and do the nacho parent thing. Where SC is nothing to do with your life.

I hear you about being massively triggered by your SC. I'm the same with my SS. I have pinpointed it down to being DP's massive issues around everything- that flare up when my SS is with us. As he is a pretty easy going boy- and not actually a problem himself. It's DP who's the problem. But the fact that DP is doing nothing to deal with his issues means that each other weekend that rolls around it all flares up again- and yes I get massively triggered by anything to do with SS.

I am actually having counselling, it hasn't made any problems go away, but I am hopeful it is helping me somehow. Do you think that's something you'd be able to do?

You are going through a lot of similar things to me.
I am trying the whole nacho thing. Tbf hubby does do all the looking after sc like giving him food; getting him dressed and showers etc. I find myself withdrawing to my room when he's here but then that's hard as it's my weekend with my kids then too so I feel I'm missing out on them. I feel taking them out on the own is like me splitting the blended family up.
We went out with my kids and sc at the weekend for 5 hours and it's taken me 36 hours to start to feel better and less overwhelmed.
I also get what you mean about over caring. Sc parents are so useless with so many things. I have a medically complex child so I'm on the ball with medications etc. this child is constantly given things he shouldn't have or he's being around people he shouldn't be. My protective nature has caused a few heated words with hubby over these things but now I'm backing off. Have to remind myself I have no influence over this child's upbringing really.
Sc is also always catching every single bug going and with me having a medically complex and fragile child this has led to a few times where I've had to say he can't come over as I need to keep my child safe as any little thing can put her in hospital.

I honestly never thought it would be this hard. At the start I got on so well with sc and I can see a lot of the issues have been caused by his parents. I get that isn't his fault but when it impacts me and my kids it's bloody hard work.

I'm so glad you got your speak to your friend though who has seen it all. It helps to see the other side sometimes and to put things into perspective.

Ahh sounds like you're really struggling @Lemonmelon1 I know what you mean about being really overwhelmed by blended family activities.

One strategy that could help in the short term is to really double down on focusing on your kids. So at least you're getting everything done and sorted that you need to, and that alone might make you feel better, more on top of things and less overwhelmed.

We've been living together for a year, and it's been extremely rocky from the absolute start.

Yet our relationship was absolutely golden and totally supportive before we lived together. That was 4 years of living apart and having weekends and holidays with all the children throughout that time. So it's not like we had a rocky relationship in the first place.

One conclusion I'm coming to which is making me feel a tiny bit more in control is that maybe I don't aim for us to be a blended family. And just accept it is what it is. 6 people trying to share a house and get on with their lives.

Me trying to make us blended just didn't work in the slightest. But if I focus on meeting my needs and my children's I think I might feel a bit better.

The reason I'm saying this is DP is so good whenever I give him direct instructions what to do.

When I was really busy with work a few weeks ago, I realised I could only make it happen if he did all the shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry, and driving my children about. He was really happy to do what he could to help- and I think having me be really clear what I needed made things a lot easier for him.

That didn't solve our problems in general, but I am wondering if I try more of that strategy of laying out what I need to happen each week, and use him for the support he is.

Do you think that kind of idea could work for you too? That you get the support you need from your DH with specific things to make your daily life easier?

Then both of your focus might not be around his child and ex so much?

How was your holiday? I hope the time with your kids helped to give you a bit of a mental reset and break from your stresses. Feeling isolated if awful and intensifies all your feelings so much more, please talk through or vent here whatever you need if you don't feel like you can in RL

Hi, I'm hoping someone here will understand what I'm trying to say...

I know that being a step-parent can be difficult in dealing with blending and children and ex-partners, and differences in communication styles and parenting styles can also play a huge factor and add to frustration, but does anyone struggle with the sad emotions that come with being on the sidelines?

I love my SD and partner to bits, but it's such a huge struggle emotionally when it comes to life events and I'm not allowed or invited to be involved (birthday parties etc). We have SD the majority of the time, and I'm involved in pretty much everything, and I'm trying so hard to respect parental boundaries and not step on toes when it comes to her mum, and I know I don't really have any grounds, but my god does it hurt deep when you miss out on things like first day of school and other life events, and are expected to just put a happy face on and get on with it.

Why is your partner not including you? You're a big part of her life. You have her more than her mum. Why wouldn't you go to these things?

I went to my SDs first day of school, I attend parents evening with my DH, her mum makes a separate appointment. We also do separate birthday parties and I organise the one on dad's time.

If it's to protect her mum's feelings, ask yourself why her feelings are more important than yours?

He basically thinks that SD needs to see them getting on. So there's an automatic no asking of me to be there.

It's a contentious subject between us. My feeling is getting on at drop off and pick up is fine enough. Spending days out together, not so much.

He also won't allow her partner at things - she's still with her affair partner, so it riles him up when I say if SD should see you 2 getting on, then she should also see all 4 people getting on.

I agree. She should be able to see all 4 of you getting on of he thinks it's that important. It sounds like you can't be invited because his ego can't get over her partner being there. So he is putting his feelings above yours.

I don't agree that kids need to see their parent get on if they don't. Absolutely don't be screaming and shouting in front of them or bitching about the other parent but there's no need to pretend to be friends.

My DH and his ex do not get on. Like at all. They barely communicate and if we need to be in the same room we avoid each other. SD has never commented on it and I'm sure is just glad all her parents are there supporting her. I wasn't able to go to her nursery Xmas show because there were limited tickets, 2 per child, and she asked why I wasn't there.

You should be your partners priority and you're not. Right now he's prioritising himself and his ex over you. Speak to him and if he doesn't think you matter enough to change his ways then leave. You should be a main character in your own life, not a supporting actor!

I'm getting so bored of being in a blended family. Trying to arrange things to do later this year, can't find anytime to do them because we only get 50% of our time, and even then DH has a commitment with his DS every weekend and we have his kids every Friday. I just want to be able to book a weekend or even a night away without having to consider every one else. Selfish, I know. I just want it to be straightforward. I am slowly getting more and more discontent and its eating away at me 😑

It's not selfish. You're in a relationship and deserve to be a priority. If your OH can't make time for you then he should have stayed single.