Support thread for blended families?

[Blending123]

I wondered if anyone would like to join a support thread for living as a blended family?

So we've got somewhere to vent about the daily issues that annoy us - without having to set the scene with a big back story first, and hopefully for people not feeling the need to say LTB every time which tends to happen a lot when people post about step families.

Also hopefully we can celebrate the good bits - and remind ourselves why we are doing this- and what the vision is that we're aiming towards.

I joined an MN support thread when I was getting divorced which was really helpful- and basically carried me through. And I joined one when I was dating and met the love of my life.

So it could be something really useful, especially as I don't know any other families like ours ❤️

This is really not ok! You need couples therapy. He is treating adult/couples time as some kind if competition with his parenting time.

I know... I can see that,and it's frustrating because we should be able to have the adult/couples time without it being a competition. I also feel like he should be able to let SD have the time with her mum without the constant checking in

You are correct! Even if he thinks he can’t trust his ex he needs to learn to model calm and a can do attitude towards these brief separations. He does no one any good by essentially sulking and interfering or monitoring her time with her mother.

How do you approach that kind of conversation though? If I even try it becomes a massive fight and lots of cold silent treatment

Hi @Ducksgalore, there are so many negotiations and clarifications of rules and boundaries needed in blended families, that he doesn't get to call the shots on what's ok for you to bring up.

You're an equal part of this family and have a right to express your thoughts.

He doesn't get to silence you because he doesn't know or like the answer.

Ultimately you're asking is his idea of this relationship that you tail around after him all the time? Or are you an equal partner that also has rights.

In many ways it's an impossible discussion but it's important to both get the chance to say where you think you should both sit on the spectrum.

I raised this similar point with DP before Christmas. He's so blinded by the ultimate North Star being SS would like it and it would make SS happy- so I had no right to question anything about that situation. But I was asking where would that end? Would that always take precedence over me and my wishes? Or just on specific occasions.

We didn't get any concrete answers but it was good to raise possible issues that way.

Don't know if any of that helps. I'm just meaning don't be afraid to approach discussions that would otherwise lead to resentment. As really you don't have too much to lose and you owe it to yourself to express your thoughts and feelings.

@Blending123 I just don't know if I have the energy for it anymore - it feels like a never ending battle. If I ask questions he thinks I'm challenging, when I'm just looking for clarification.

I'll give credit where credit is due, he has taken alot on board when we manage to have calm discussions, but it can be his initial reaction to shut down and refuse to speak and cause a huge atmosphere at the initial approach that causes most damage. He can be quick to point the finger in defensiveness and claim that I'm the one being negative for example, but if I dare to give him examples of his behaviour that has been negative I'm just trying to flip it.

We still have a lot of talking to do from Christmas Eve. I took alot of flack and finger pointing on Christmas night so that he felt heard, and now just have to bide a bit of time to be able to be heard.

Ultimately, I understand the checking in. I just don't want the checking in or excessive mobile phone use to be taking over our couple time. If we are lounging about the house of an evening fine. If we are out trying to have a date night then my preference is naturally for phones to be away and for the focus to be on us. Basically, I just want to feel as important, and not like I'm last on the priority scale.

DSS's have just departed for their Mothers after being here since the 23rd. They have whined, moaned and been horrible to dh throughout-nothing has been good enough despite them getting everything on their highly expensive Christmas lists. I'm very proud of myself for not snapping at any point, as it's not worth the ag, and for keeping my older teen DD's away from most of their bad behaviour (dd1 is feisty and will tell them when they are being bratty). I do love them-most of their behaviour is due to their mother winding them up and I always have that in mind when dealing with them. We have had some nice bits in amongst it, mostly when I've managed to get them off screens, but I have found Christmas exhausting and I'm secretly glad that next year it will be their Mums turn, though of course will be sad for DH. He is like a different person when they are here, anxious, stressy and not fun at all. It's hard to manage. Ive just poured a Large glass of wine and I'm going to have two hours on the sofa in peace before dh gets back from taking them to their other home. And breathe. Happy betwixt-mas stepparents...it's a thankless task and you can all pat yourselves on the back for even attempting it!

Oh it's exhausting isn't it? Sounds like you're having a we'll deserved glass of wine!

Sounds like a well deserved glass of wine @piscofrisco.

Hope the conversations go well @ducksgalore. Think he does need to step back and let the kids have time with their mum. Equally important for you to have some time with him.

Our Christmas was relatively quiet. We had the same issues with DPs ex and her need for attention and some issues with teenage DSS.
DPs ex claimed to be alone Christmas day so was invited over for a drink and to say hello to the kids, she of course jumped at the chance and sat in the middle of it all for 3 hours before saying she actually did have plans after all and needed to leave. Think she was trying to make DP feel guilty, again.

DSS was more typical teenage behaviour but interesting as DP didn't pick up on it at all, think it's a good indication of things to come.

Picked up the conversation about living arrangements again, so will see how that goes over the year.