Support thread for blended families?

[Blending123]

I wondered if anyone would like to join a support thread for living as a blended family?

So we've got somewhere to vent about the daily issues that annoy us - without having to set the scene with a big back story first, and hopefully for people not feeling the need to say LTB every time which tends to happen a lot when people post about step families.

Also hopefully we can celebrate the good bits - and remind ourselves why we are doing this- and what the vision is that we're aiming towards.

I joined an MN support thread when I was getting divorced which was really helpful- and basically carried me through. And I joined one when I was dating and met the love of my life.

So it could be something really useful, especially as I don't know any other families like ours ❤️

Anyone else had issues with the OH being terrified of standing up to the ex wife?

If so, did you solve it? Any positive stories out there?

One big reason I won’t move in and blend with my OH (us living together with our respective kids) is that he allows his exw to walk all over him.

This is not an exw problem it’s a DP problem. I have known this for a long time.

Officially they do 50-50 but he’s not got equal parenting rights. Exw makes all decisions about schools, clubs, hobbies and medical, the summer schedule, then informs him. She tells the kids about stuff before she tells DP so they’ll be disappointed if he says no can do.

She abuses his free time constantly for her own ends. He lets her. It affects me. I was once left alone by him on a ‘romantic’ weekend away because she had signed a kid up for a residential camp on her access time then last minute apparently could not drive them there. This wasn’t an isolated event but to save identifying anyone I won’t go on.

Ive no idea why any of this happens. DP gives exw loads of money because his salary is much higher. I don’t think she spends much of the maintenance on the kids as she works, has no mortgage and he also pays half, additionally, for clothes and extras. She is presumably maintaining her pre divorce lifestyle which I don’t judge as this doesn’t affect me financially but I want DP to make it clear that his time belongs to him. He says he’ll take any opportunity to spend extra time with his kids but it doesn’t go both ways. When it’s the ex’s free time and DP asks if she wants to come to whatever kid thing she ignores him.

I’m in that stage of bargaining with myself now.

If I accept the status quo I am enabling DP’s cowardice and the ex’s controlling behaviour. I have told DP i am possibly no more than one cancelled arrangement away from ending the relationship. I am losing respect for him. This is sad as we have a lovely time and lots of fun. He does all my DIY and buys wonderful gifts.

But I know I can’t relax until this exw issue is sorted. I don’t have ideas that may help.

@Stepmumptsd yes, been there, done that! It took many years of gentle conversations, tears (mine), some fairly monumental arguments....essentially supporting him to understand he was being bullied and subject to coercive control, alongside not doing the best thing for his kids (eg no regular schedule).

Where we benefitted but you may struggle is that DP has always done all the parent-admin so activities, school, appointments weren't part of the issue

It was, and still is, hard. I've had therapy and stand up for myself and my needs more now and we have modes of communication that ensure we are only contactable by (sensible) grandparents should there be a real emergency while we're away from home.

Sorry its not more positive but hope it helps!

@Stepmumptsd I wish I had a positive outcome but our lives are still quite controlled by his ex unfortunately. Today for example DSS isn't in school for a pathetic reason but him mum won't let him go. I was ment to drop him home at school run time because DP left early for work far out and his DM decides she doesn't want him back until 3pm and refuses to answer the door but texts DP to say he isn't her problem today. If she had said this yesterday he would of changed his work pattern but instead she waited until this morning to cause maximum disruption so my day is messed up because DP can't get back at this point

The main problem here is your DP. My DHs ex is a controlling narcissist and she would have everything her way if he let her. The difference is he doesn't.

Your DP does have equal parenting rights but he has chosen to give them up. The ex makes plans on his time because he lets her. Your romantic weekend was ruined because of him not her. My DH has wouldn't even answer the phone to his ex if we were on a romantic break let alone abandon me to go running because she asked.

He needs to grow a backbone. This behaviour would 100% give me the ick. I couldn't be attracted to man still on the end of his ex's leash.

I bet he passes it off as "putting the kids first". But it's not. He's putting his ex first, doing anything for an easy life as far as his ex is concerned meanwhile you are just an afterthought and bottom of his list of priorities. You deserve better.

I'm confused. So was DSS with you guys and you didn't send him to school but you can't drop him to his mum's until 3pm. If you think the reason for not being in school is not legit then why was it up to his mum whether or not he went? If you thought he was for for school you should have sent him unless I'm missing something.

We have a similar set up where we have transitions at school. If DSD is off sick then she will stay with the parent she is currently at until 3pm.

Yeh so he was with us normally pick up from school and then drop back to school the following day. His mum told the school he has vomiting and as per their policy he isn't allowed back this week, DSS told us he hasn't vomitted and mum said he had a few days off but didn't say anything else. DP asked about this and told he's lying he did vomit and she doesn't have to explain herself to anyone especially him so end of. He asked if he could drop back at normal school time, she said yes so he left early for work I tried to drop off and then told actually no that doesn't work for her.

School think he's contagious so we couldn't take him

If he was sick DP would of cancelled work and that's just part of having kids but because he asked if he could go back and we were told yes then it's my day that got messed up.

Absolutely @Illpickthatup

Thank goodness for this thread as writing my post really helped me see where I am and what to do next.

As things stand I have stated to DP clearly what my needs are, exactly, and told him to get back to me if and when he believes he can meet them. I’ll be fine by myself otherwise.

I didn’t say this next part to him directly but if he really does decide that he can’t meet my needs because of his ex wife and kids then he has chosen pandering them over being in a partnership with another adult and that’s sad but for him to face up to.

There is no point staying in a relationship that makes you sad is there? My DP believes there is a way for him to keep his life easy and pander to the ex and have me on board. Meh. No chance.

Can I join please? I've two step sons 10 and 11 and my dds's 17 and 18.
We have the boys 50/50 and until recently my girls 70/30 though now they are older they don't tend to go to their dads all that much at all which is fine. Outside of general messiness and eating all the snacks they are fairly easy.
I'm another one whose whole life it seems is impacted by the step kids mum and the effect she has on them, their relationship with us and everything else. She moved an hour away a year ago to live with a man she had known 4 months. A silly family court verdict about us having them 50/50 but them going to school an hour away and that was it-every aspect of our lives impacted by having to facilitate an untenable situation in terms of travel, costs, impact on work and general life and all whilst battling her attempts to alienate the boys from us as much as she can. It. Is. Exhausting.

@piscofrisco welcome, it sounds like it's difficult managing school runs during the week!

DSS is still here bless him, 3pm came and went, then she said she was busy until 6pm and then just she's busy. It's not a problem him being here but if she just said straight up then it wouldn't just be us waiting until the time she states to drop off. I'm worried about tomorrow as it's Father's Day, she originally said DP couldn't see him tomorrow because she was busy so hopefully we have a nice day but if this is anything like previous situations there will be some kind of scene tomorrow.

@Stepmumptsd

I think when DPs do this its sometimes out of guilt? Perhaps thats something to explore with him

I'm in a generally happy situation, no real issues with ex. I have my own child whose father is not involved, and no plans on having a child together.

I guess am struggling with more long term frustration about how the situation limits where we live.

@piscofrisco

God how do you do school runs?

We leave at 7, I drop both by about half eight (two different schools too) and get to work usually at about 9.45, by that time frazzled and exhausted. Then I work til 6. Other days I start at 7 and finish early to do pick up. And then work a weekend shift to make up for the time.
It is literally draining the life out of me. But I am using the time to teach myself French on an Audible app, so basically I've been given the gift of language...that's what I tell myself anyway.

When my youngest dd finishes school next year we will move nearer where the boys mum chose to move to cut the travel. It's not somewhere we want to live at all or would have chosen and will mean a new job, and leaving all my friends (and DD's not having where they grew up to come back to in uni holidays), but it's the only workable solution really.

DSC16/18

We no longer have to deal with the ex! So good.

Wow that's alot of driving it's not wonder your exhausted. Is there any grandparents that can help or any other support

No they are either too infirm or too far away. We tried mediation to suggest less over nights in the week and more holiday time. Their mum wouldn't have it as it would impinge on her 'quality time ' with them and told the boys we didn't want them anymore and were trying to get rid of them. Which took some unpicking and so we are stuck with it until we can move.

It sounds like a very stressful situation al round for you!

DSS is still with us, his mum has been texted DP twice a day saying bring him back at this time, when he does no one is home so he phoned her dad to make sure everything's okay and apparently she's out the country on holiday, he said he doesn't no how long for so DP has changed his working week this week but she still saying bring him at XXX time.

Why on earth is she asking you to bring him home at certain times if she's out of the country? Would DSS normally be with her at the moment?
It sounds like a really difficult sland stressful situation. How is dss, he must be confused about what's going on?

I'm so glad I came across this thread.
Recently new blended family here.
I have 2 children from a previous 14 year relationship.
My new partner (8 months I've been with him) has 2 from a 14 year marriage.
We have parented completely differently- his wife is very gentle parenting as is he - and to be truthful his children are totally feral. Mannerless, rude, and ignorant. It's so hard trying to create a bond with children who are like this.
Their mother is very much the same but my partner and I have came to blows over this the last few weekends he's had them when I genuinely remove myself from their company as I just find it so draining.

It's hard work. Harder than I ever imagined it'd be.
Trying to get all the children to get along and share etc when both have been brought up differently.

I think it's just power, still controlling our day to day lives, being able to mess working days up. He asked if she's away and she said she doesn't have to tell him anything about her private life.
He seems to be okay but is extremely protective and defensive of his mum so even if it does upset him he wouldn't say so, he's had it drilled into his mind for years that he's the man of the house and it's HIS job to protect his mum, very sad for him.

That's not gentle parenting, that's shit parenting. I would say we gentle parent my DSD. I've never raised my voice to her and we never shout in the house. But there are rules and routines and boundaries. Failing to correct your child's behaviour and letting them do what they want isn't gentle parenting it's a sheer lack of parenting.

I found it so hard, because our lives ran around a non-resident teenager. We did EOW plus one midweek night, and right up til DSS went to uni, the visiting rota was strictly adhered to, no flex unless we were literally out the country. The ex guarded her DSS-free time fiercely and DH was terrified of rocking the boat.

We're in a similar situation in that the dss's have had their mums agenda drilled into them from an early age and are scared of her reaction if they say anything positive about us at all.
Last year I sat on a plane back from our lovely family holiday next to dss1, on which we'd actually all had a really good time-and and watched him delete all the pictures he had taken, as his mum goes through his phone and she wouldnt react well to seeing any evidence of them having a nice time with us. I thought then that we had no hope really of turning it round-just clinging to the idea that as they get older they will see her for what she is.

We have also given up asking for any flex. She wouldn't even let the boys have an extra night with us for our wedding, with a years notice given. Dh also doesn't want to rock the boat as any request is met with a yard long email of nastiness.

It's exhausting.

@Illpickthatup I lost it over the weekend for the first time re the behaviour of the dss's and dh's total failure to even attempt to stop them. I get that he is sacred to discipline them-they inevitably go back to mums and moan about it and then we get yet another round of nastiness from her-and it gives her an opportunity to slate dh more to the boys-she twists anything and everything she can to use in that way. But I've had a long talk with him about the need to at least try to stop the endless screeching and fighting with each other as it makes everyone else's life uncomfortable and it isn't fun for anyone.

I felt bad about losing my rag and then also worried as it's easy to be cast as the evil step mother. But actually I'd been at work since 7am, I was knackered and I just needed not to have to listen to them yell and swear at each other and dh for 4 straight bloody hours, culminating in one of them trying to hit dh in the face!

Not being in the same page about discipline (or indeed what behaviour should be picked up on) is really hard and has always been a bit of a flash point between us (for example I see the way his youngest speaks to him as rude, he sees it as 'her personality').

We've managed to sort of meet in the middle via wider conversations about my role, and also as he started to see he wasn't doing the best for his kids having no boundaries.

DSDs have always been very good at concealing what's happening at one house from the other, it makes me sad that she can't see the impact her high conflict behaviour has on them.