Support thread for blended families?

[Blending123]

I wondered if anyone would like to join a support thread for living as a blended family?

So we've got somewhere to vent about the daily issues that annoy us - without having to set the scene with a big back story first, and hopefully for people not feeling the need to say LTB every time which tends to happen a lot when people post about step families.

Also hopefully we can celebrate the good bits - and remind ourselves why we are doing this- and what the vision is that we're aiming towards.

I joined an MN support thread when I was getting divorced which was really helpful- and basically carried me through. And I joined one when I was dating and met the love of my life.

So it could be something really useful, especially as I don't know any other families like ours ❤️

Hi all, sorry I've not been posting for a while- just after setting up the thread I went headfirst into a roller coaster of issues.

I've now pinpointed the hidden causes as: DP is massively resentful that it's my house and that gives me more power over him and his kids at the end of the day. I was actually thinking of loads of strategies to make us more equal etc, but there have been too many massive problems.

SS age 15 is mostly a nightmare. DP's way of handling it is to keep him away from us all as much as he can. He always beats up his little brother really badly- he can't be alone with him for 30 secs without a massive issue. And Otherwise he's pinned to his PlayStation shouting and swearing and annoying the neighbours.

DP has been drinking every night. Usually one beer, or max 2. I hadn't really thought about it. But I've stopped so I can slim down- and now I think it does have a low lying affect on his mood, behaviour and our relationship.

How is everyone else doing?

Hey @blending123 that sounds like hard work. What are you going to do?

Ok here, we are planning a holiday abroad which will be my partner's kids first time on a plane and away from mum for over a week. She's been in a bit of a tail spin, currently 6 phone calls in to negotiations.

I am on the ‘other side’ of step parenting. My stepkids are now 26 and 28. It was definitely a rollercoaster. They were eow until teens, then they stopped coming over for while. Then dsd moved in with us full time at 17. That was completely challenging too and she ended up moving out at 21. Now she is 28 and we have a great relationship I think that so much was influenced by her mother and being programmed to interpret everything I did in a negative way. Now she is older she sees her mother for what she is. We see her probably weekly and have a great relationship with her partner and his daughter. Her mum has never met her partner and daughter.

dss on the other hand never lived with us, he hates me and is intensely jealous of our children. Dh sees him from time to time to get lunch or buy him some groceries. He constantly has issues, he smokes weed (apparently medicinal) and struggles to keep a job. He is still very much influenced by his mum who isn’t the best source of help with things like dealing with boss issues ect. They also have screaming rows according to dsd where they both vent to her about the other. Shes actually cut contact with dss as he was too much of a drain on her life. He probably has narcissistic personality disorder but refuses to get help. He had a violent temper and will lash out and punch and hit walls ect.

the latest drama is he is being evicted from his flat and has no where to go (again not his fault. Never his fault. His flatmate wasn’t paying her rent). Dh has told him to apply to a share house but he wants to live alone. This area has a massive rental crisis and without a squeaky clean rental history you will never get a lease. But he’s seemingly just burying his head in the sand, smoking weed and playing his PlayStation. All I know is that he is not coming here. And dsd will not have him either. And apparently his mum has said he can’t go back there either.

I'm also really struggling atm too. Partner is constantly dismissing my feelings and needs and has been for years which has built up insane amounts of resentment. He doesnt compromise or sacrifice anything where I feel like I make a lot.

Men dont seem to understand the importance of balance in these situations. He has a 9yr old daughter and we have a 4 and 2.5yr old - I am constantly being made to feel guilty and like an 'evil bitch' if I want to do things with just our small children (on our weekends!) i also would love a holiday just us (shes goes away with her mum and us)

He makes out its all me and my problem and I need therapy - when really he plays a huge part because I would be much happier if communication was better and my 'selfish' needs were met.

Its so hard and people on the outside just dont understand how complex it is.

You simply choose to introduce your blended family as any non blended one; these are our children and names? No need for explanation, this is my family. Xx

@Jeannie88 my stepdaughter would have absolutely hated that if I had introduced her as effectively my daughter.

@Joliv123 if I've understood correctly your DD is in her 20s? In your DHs shoes I'd really want the third adult in my relationship to move out and adult elsewhere.

I have DD19 in 3rd year at uni. Did 2 years abroad and this third year will be 3 hours away. It's hard for everyone adjusting to her being back at home with our rules. Because adult or not, our home our rules. She's working for the next 2 months.

DD18 is moving bit by bit into a flat with her boyfriend in her Uni town for next year.

DSD also 18 is moving into accommodation in Sept in the town she'll be studying in and doing an apprenticeship. She's hopefully working for the next 2 months but doesn't drive and won't learn. Her life is going to be harder as a result. Both parents live rurally.

They are now adults so they need to take on adult roles and responsibilities. But in our house they still need to respect our rules. I find it hard having adults constantly wanting things and am ready to see them live separately.

DSS is 15 and mostly pretty easy to deal with.

I've been full time with DH for 10 years. My DC have been with us full time since their dad lost parental responsibility. We have always had the DSC 50/50 minimum. DH stopped all communication with ex about 4 years ago. Which improved his life but not his kids. Ex is not a good human.

Over the years I've found the challenges change. Some times were unbearable. The power the ex had to fuck with our lives was awful. She has occasionally admitted of late that I've been a good parent to her kids.

I need there to be an end in site though.

Sorry, of course I meant if that was what everyone wanted. Xx

@Blending123 it sounds like things have been really difficult for you at the moment! Have you any idea on how your going to navigate it?

@Neodymium it's lovely that you have such a good relationship with DSD now and that your effort paid off in the long run! I'd your DH on the same page as you that DSS cannot move in with you?

@workworkwork123 yes he knows. He’s too violent and he’s smokes weed every day. Plus we live rurally and he doesn’t have a licence or a car. So it would be a disaster. There is no transport out here.

@Neodymium that must be a relief then that your on the same page. One less thing to worry about in an already stressful situation for you

Thanks guys - step parenting is so complex isn't it?

Right now I'm genuinely wondering what the point of it is - for me in particular. And of course my children.

I'm really grateful it's my house and I'm not dependent on him in any way.

I don't want to split up with him. But I'm seriously thinking him and his kids should move out over the summer holidays.

I don't want to be lonely and feel all the downsides of struggling on alone. But I'm not comfortable with his 15 yr old son, I think he's a bad influence on my son, and generally would be happier without him there.

The triggers this weekend were him constantly beating up his little brother and his brother screaming blue murder in the back garden on Sunday night for about 30mins. That will mark us out as this terrible family on the street with everyone judging me in particular.

I think it was the issue of our problems spilling out into public and people judging me from that.

@Blending123 that sounds rough.

I have a 15 year old son too and to be honest it’s an awful age. He is horrible to his brother too. However when he does hurt him (usually kicking him as they pass in the hall or something) he loses his phone and ps5 controllers for 24 hours. Does you dh have any consequences for his son? Beating up his brother shouldn’t be tolerated like that.

if they did move elsewhere for the summer where could they go? Like rent an air bnb for a few weeks?

Thanks @Neodymium normally DP is really good on consequences etc. However that sort of led to the problem on Sunday as DP had given them warnings which they both completely ignored. Then the consequence was he confiscated the toy they were playing with- which was also my son's toy. And the whole thing was a shit show basically.

One issue is that while DP is hot on consequences etc, he can't bear me having any input whatsoever on parenting his boys. He is so defensive and takes it as massive criticism. Which ends up meaning my house is complete carnage and I have no influence or say in anything.

I have two dc too - so this basically makes our life a nightmare.

Saying about them moving out in the summer- I was meaning permanently. I'm not sure about it now. But I am still considering it.

DP is now not talking to me for 3 days because I said it's chaos when his boys are here (although 15 yr old lives with us full time)

I genuinely don't know why I should put up with all of this. I love DP but having his children here does not enhance my life in any way.

@Blending123
It sounds like them moving out is long overdue.
You might love your DP but he's treating you nastily.
(I'm noone to speak - but at least I can recognise it - as the above sentence applies to me too.)

How is everyone feeling with summer holidays coming up? X

Well my good news it that stepson messaged dh to say he found a place to live. Think it’s a room in a house share. I imagine dh will have to go help him move though as he doesn’t have a car. At least he’s got something.

I have sympathy, been there. My step kids are not all in their late 20s. My kids are younger. If I had to do it again?

1. I would think very carefully about whether moving together is the best options. Often it is not for us as step mums, or our kids. Often it is great for the dads! Who seem to rely on us and moan but don’t actually sort anything out.
2. I would not see it as blended. My kids, my family life. His kids, his responsibility. We merge less often, and for more ‘fun’ than every day living. Too much to cope with, often too much for kids to cope with.
3. If living together, then making a lot of separate time for me and my kids, and leaving space for him and his kids. Holidays often separate.
4. I took away and did nice things one on one with my step kids, each, for a day, an evening, or weekend depending - always on that they wanted to do. It was the best way to bond.

Good luck…

I am really struggling at the moment with DP and SD15 who is, and always has been, his mini-wife. We've been together almost 9 years, and she's always felt threatened by my presence but he's a huge Disney Dad so treats her as no1 priority over his other children, me, and my own kids. It's always been hard but it's getting worse and unfortunately we all live together so nowhere to escape to.

My usual way of coping is to not be around them all socially, as little as I can anyway. But yesterday we went to a family event of his to see his relatives who live abroad so I've only met them once. The whole time SD15 was glued to DP, arm in arm when walking, snuggled into his neck on the sofa, sat next to him at dinner so he could read her the whole menu and order for her. She's not ND she just has to have all his attention. He didnt speak to me once. Even his family noticed which was embarrassing.

He loves that he has this closeness with her, so any time I've ever raised that I feel a bit left out, it's caused a row so I've stopped talking. His reasoning is he only sees her EOW, but it's just made me feel I'm only there to keep him occupied when she isn't around. He has other children but he only does this with her.

I'm starting to want to have my own place again desperately so I can remove myself from the circus. And I feel stupid for what is ultimately feeling jealous of a teenager.

After 3 weeks DSS has gone back to his mum. She banged our door Friday morning at 6am screaming that DP can't keep her away from baby boy. Poor DSS was so confused. She didn't speak to him once in the 3 weeks. God knows what's going to happen moving forward now, if she with hold contact to make up for the extra days we had him

@memoriesofamiga that sounds hard - especially as it is not fading away with age.

Do you also have children together?

I do get what you mean to some extent. DP sees his younger son (8) EOW and I find their behaviour sick-making. They are always loving each other and hugging and basically spending the whole time completely loved up - and excluding everyone else in a bad way- especially me.

It all came to a head when they were snuggled up in my bed together one morning and I had no privacy trying to get dressed.

DP super defensive of them and says it's because he only sees him EOW.

But they're father and son and I'm sure I'd absolutely hate it if it was his daughter.

Thanks for the advice @WaitingforSpring24 I'm genuinely coming to the conclusion that there is no point living together.

We've tried it for a year.

Some bits have been good- but it's mainly stressful for all of us.

I had been living as a single mum for 9 years- so I definitely wanted and have appreciated all the benefits that come with having a partner.

But we are two families trying to fit into a small house. Reminds me of living with flatmates in my 20s.

The latest issue was dss eating a pizza in his bedroom this weekend. DP brought out the plate and put it in the sink.

I said nothing to start with to not start a fight- but then felt it wasn't unreasonable to say children shouldn't eat pizza in their room.

Well as expected he went absolutely mental- laying into all the things my children do. And his son can't be asked to stop eating pizza in his room until my children stop eating toast on the sofa.

I said I'm surely not the only mum who would say children shouldn't eat pizza in their room.

The thing is I could make a big thing of house rules - ensure all children understand them and agree to them etc. But I genuinely can't be bothered.

I don't see why I should have to put up with them living in my house in the first place

@oberst Not looking forward to losing my WFH days for 7 weeks (it's easier all round for me to work in the office while they're off school!)

DP sees his younger son (8) EOW and I find their behaviour sick-making. They are always loving each other and hugging and basically spending the whole time completely loved up - and excluding everyone else in a bad way- especially me.

I used to experience this. Right up til DSS went to uni, he and DH were weirdly tactile, embarrassingly so. My Dad, who is very politically incorrect, commented about it at a family BBQ once “hey, you pair are frolicking around like a pair of qu**rs” which was factually correct but should have been phrased better.

@woworkworkwork123 that sounds so difficult and incredibly confusing for DSS. He must wonder what on earth has been going on. I wonder how she will explain herself to him?

Everyone else sounds like they are having a difficult time too.

@BBlending123 it's a shame that it's not working but you have given it a go. What do you think DP will say? How will he take the news?

The overly loving Disney dad approach would bug me too, and I think it's more odd the older the children get.