Support thread for blended families?

[Blending123]

I wondered if anyone would like to join a support thread for living as a blended family?

So we've got somewhere to vent about the daily issues that annoy us - without having to set the scene with a big back story first, and hopefully for people not feeling the need to say LTB every time which tends to happen a lot when people post about step families.

Also hopefully we can celebrate the good bits - and remind ourselves why we are doing this- and what the vision is that we're aiming towards.

I joined an MN support thread when I was getting divorced which was really helpful- and basically carried me through. And I joined one when I was dating and met the love of my life.

So it could be something really useful, especially as I don't know any other families like ours ❤️

@Blending123 fortunately we don't have children together, a decision I used to feel sad about but now I am very glad we don't. The whole situation is difficult enough.

It sounds as though your situation is similar, and difficult too. I'm sorry to hear it, I hope it resolves for you, if these things ever do.

I've been sent a load of photos from the family get together yesterday, which show it was as bad as I thought. It's been painful to see.

@memoriesofamiga I know it's easier said than done- but would it be worth talking to your DP about it? As maybe the photos are objective proof.

You don't need to get him to agree with you or commit to changing anything. But I'm sure it's healthier for you to air it rather than not.

Yes I too would have loved to have a baby together- but now I can see how much more difficult that would make things for me.

Likewise we've been on the verge of getting married for a while, but right now I feel better having no complicated ties between us.

I've been flip-flopping wildly on what to do. At the very least we need a big serious talk.

I'd been mainly thinking they'd need to move out. My only thing is how much I love DP. We've been together 5 years and it has literally been non-stop joy. Even the past few days, the only way I can deal with the stress is through hugging him. So I don't really want to let him go in any way.

@Blending123 with the photos at the weekend, DP was saying how nice they were and I said I look like I'm very much out on the side. He said, no you don't. And that was that. When I've tried to raise this before it immediately causes a nasty row. He doesnt want to listen. I agree it's not healthy for me to bottle it up.

I can completely understand your situation. I too love my DP but I struggle with us all living together. I hope you find some answers that work for you.

Oh yes - I want to join!
been with DH 10 years. DSC is 15. We have a 4 y/o 2 y/o and and 9 month old together.
DSC and I used to get along brilliantly. I so looked forward to when it was “our weekend”. I’ve always taken great pleasure in getting nice clothes for him, making sure he has a nice bedroom, getting in food he likes.
last two years or so he’s gradually gotten more and more awful. He’s gone from being lovely with his younger siblings to being really rude and dismissive. He spends all his time here in his room on his computer (not joking. He only leaves the room to eat and use bathroom. I have to remind him to leave trickle vents open and open window once a day to make sure the room doesn’t get damp and mouldy!! Which he gets really Arsey about)
he’s rude, ungrateful, no empathy for anyone and seems to enjoy laughing at others misfortune. DH tells me it’s like having his ex wife in the house again (which I believe having witnessed the conflict with his ex trying to stop contact for absolute nonsensical reasons over the years and being very hostile generally. Have also a few colleagues who’ve come across her and they say she wasn’t very pleasant.)
sigh. DH doesn’t want to challenge DSC on his behaviour much as he’s scared if he ‘rocks the boat’ he may well decide not to come over anymore. I understand totally. Rock and a hard place because if he was “ours” no where else to go there’s no way in hell he’d be allowed to spend every waking minute in front of a screen. Privately I believe he might be addicted to screens.
as time goes on I find myself disengaging because it’s just so hard. I miss the lovely little boy he used to be - I sincerely hope my three don’t go the same way when they hit their teen years! Certainly won’t be having a computer in their rooms!

I’ve had this. DP stayed here with his boys for a while. Stopgap as he was buying. My house, my home, their ability to do exactly what they liked apparently. This was when he was Peak Disney and his kids were unusually distressed as their mum had randomly relocated without finding schools for them (one was out for a term). I remember getting back from work one day and he’d been off and was in bed. The house was a tip. I asked the boys to help me tidy up and I think one or them said F Off and I’d been holding it is so long I went mental and screamed at DP and from then I knew to step back.

He expected me to send his kids on my son’s play dates because we were a family apparently. But I didn’t want to as they would have embarrassed me. And I couldn’t discipline or suggest discipline because ‘criticism’ and ‘leave my kids alone’ and ‘I am always going to defend my kids from you.’ I had tried one play date with friends, DP there too. His oldest went insane in a cinema for being denied coke. Screaming, throwing stuff, running out. Youngest whined and whined. Ruined a really nice film for all the other children. My child was invited back to a friend’s house and DP’s kids weren’t, obviously. DP got mad I hadn’t ‘stuck up for’ his children’s ‘right’ to be included. I said not being included was a natural consequence of not being well behaved.

This was never going to be permanent cohabitation and once he got his new home I ultimatumed him: stop Disney or break up. He worked it out. he parents well now. (I’ve said this on another thread so won’t repeat details.)

The thing is though I was still really upset when he left. I’d opened my home and my life to this new family, not that early in the relationship but before the kids’ were traumatised by their mum’s sudden relocation.

Part of me did think maybe he would stay. I had a prospective new family life in the back of my mind. But it was dysfunctional and my dream of stability was ripped away in a flash.

DP brought a toxic mess into my home and then let us all down, he just didn’t help his kids or me enough. You only know someone when you see how the deal with a crisis.

We are still together after a break or two (it has been rocky but not for a long time now) and his kids are fixed and settled but I can’t live with him, I can’t trust enough, not again. I take him as I find. Nice boyfriend, kids now pleasant, that’s all it is. He didn’t have the skills to blend.

I am updating on ex wife progress. DP has made some! He’s said he’s going to stop paying maintenance because 50-50 is established and will vary the order. He’s said he won’t have any ‘coparenting’ discussions as it’s all a performance and she never does what she says she will. He’s said he will not go to any kids’ events with her on her days unless it’s something very special like a big choir performance. And if he does go it will only be because he’s asked me to come and I’ve said yes. She will no longer infringe on his time with me. We will go to things together, me and him, as we choose. (Exw gets very angry when I go to a kids thing and her kids rush up and give me a cuddle. Will storm out or refuse to say hello I don’t care.)

Basically he is using therapy to process his fear or her and slowly getting out from under the control.

He has also agreed to never update me on details of whatever crazy she’s up to now the above rules are set. I have told him I never wish to hear her name from him again unless it’s completely avoidable. This is progress.

Everyone on here was exactly right. The woman isn’t the problem, the problem was his boundaries. He was letting his fear or ‘what she might do’ control him. And by proxy to control me.

Still one thing: exw can’t drive but does have ample money for taxis. She expects DP to drive her to kid things. He says he will continue giving her lifts. I don’t like this. She has controlled and abused him for a long time now. But am I being petty?

This is a great update. I'm glad he's seeing things from your point of view and recognising that he needs better boundaries. I'm 100% with you him stopping the lifts. She needs to stand on her own two feet and get herself from A to B. Not his responsibility. Seems a bit ridiculous that he said he won't go to kids events with her but he will taxi her there.

Thanks for your post @Stepmumptsd that's amazing that you have managed to keep your relationship going after all that.

We just had a massive talk through all the issues tonight.

Felt we'd made some progress and were getting there.

Then DP started criticising DD and massively misunderstanding her. She's got autism, and he was criticising her for not speaking what he terms as normally in a situation where she was scared and confused because of his terrible behaviour.

That freaked me out so much that I ended everything then and there.

He is now having a massive panic attack about moving out.

Please help me stick to my guns. We'd actually made good progress tonight. But this upset me so much and I've got to protect both my children first and foremost.

OP you're massively in the right, he couldn't bear him or his darlings being criticised at all so he struck back at your poor DD. That's just nasty.
Don't let him emotionally blackmail you about moving out, this is all his doing and well deserved.

You are completely in the right here! He can't attack your DD that way and try and turn the attention from his DC to yours.

Let him panic, as much as you love it. He has a him problem and it's not a you problem

@Blending123 thank you. It is not easy. DP wants me to be much more ‘in it together’ with him and live with him, but I have no agency over how his kids behave or over how his exw treats him and them (if this woman was a dad I’m not sure she’d get any unsupervised contact).

I think the only power we have over the situations divorced men can find themselves in is to take a cold hard look at it objectively and decide what if any of it we can handle, and retain our right to step back.

It’s lonely. I want a relationship where I see my partner every day. But not this relationship right now. I’ll wait til DP’s kids are with him fully or grown and gone. I holiday with DP alone or with friends.

@WaitingforSpring24 advice is pretty much my rule book.

When I slip too far back into blending my mental health suffers. I get really uncomfortable and upset about how DP’s kids are turning out, how they treat my child, and then frustrated I have no agency to change any of it.

Lack of agency in a relationship can be very distressing. So I take as much power as I can by retaining the ability to step back.

Compared to a life of being married and buying a lovely house together it’s thin gruel. But as my DP could never be an EOW dad this is what it is.

You are 100% doing the right thing for your daughter. This is a great thread but if you are worried about sticking to your guns I would suggest starting a new one solely for that because I can guarantee that you will have loads of responses, including from non-stepmums, telling you that you did the right thing by putting your daughter first.

Thank you @Illpickthatup.

This was good to read, because before I read your answer I had the same idea.

This doesn’t make sense.

DP is now choosing which events he attends with the ex and this week chose one on his own volition (I understood why). And he he drove her.

He asked me to go too. The kid wanted me there. I declined. I didn’t want to be in the car with exw.

I know this sounds petty. I feel daft. Thing is I wouldn’t mind at all if exw was polite. But the rare times I see her she refuses to say even hello back, even in front of children. I don’t know why. I wasn’t the other woman. I’m very stepped-back.

So I told DP look, this is minor but I’m uncomfortable with driving someone who is generally rude to me. It’s a working day, I’ve been popping out for my kid’s school events for weeks, granting a lift is extra time in the car. Can you say when asked that there’s no lift on this occasion?

He wouldn’t agree. Said it was sad this meant I didn’t go.

I started to wonder if his main priority in life is not to anger the ex. Doesn’t that make him unemotionally unavailable to me? Isn’t the ‘you’re being silly’ approach an easy way not to confront fear?

Or maybe I am simply being silly. I am open to being told this is the case!

If it was me I would go in the car, sit up front and kill her with kindness, giving her a big cheery hello and chatting away to your DH. She's ignoring you to try to make you feel you don't belong, I would be making it very clear that this is your space she is coming into, not the reverse, by being there and making your presence known. It might also make her want to stop getting the lifts from your DH.

@Stepmumptsd I wouldnt go, I've been in a similar situation where to my mind, the exw was calling the shots and DP was useless at maintaining boundaries with her. I think it depends on the background of their relationship, but in my situation it was (and is) massively toxic and pretending we were all friends was making it worse.

I have as little to do with exw as possible, for my own sanity. And I'm in a better place mentally for it.

I appreciate this may not suit everyone, but just so you know you don't have to go.

Just going to read through and catch up, everyone has so much grief going on.

I am going on holiday with my SC this week (paid for by me as I earn more) and dreading it. Every year it causes issues and every year I say never again but if I don't do it, I don't get a holiday with my DH and our shared DC. I will be mainly drinking a lot of wine. But seriously, I have to get through this and come out with our relationship intact. It's already been a volatile year with a lot of disagreements.

Completely agree with others that she needs to stand on her own two feet and organise travel.

As DP and DSC wanted you there I would have gone along regardless of her presence. I would have also done the kill her with kindness approach mentioned by PPs.

I completely understand the issue about emotional unavailability when DP is so scared of upsetting the ex. A lot of time and effort goes into keeping her happy and it does take away something from your ability to share how you feel, particularly when it's met with 'don't be silly'. I don't have any answers I'm afraid just solidarity 😂

I experience similar as my partners ex is still somewhat reliant on him for emotional support and to manage her stress which often makes me feel that he has enough on already without adding mine stuff on top, as a result i share very little.

Sorry if this has already been covered further up thread, had a quick scroll but couldn't see. Where do the issues come from?

Little update from me, booked our holiday (better late than never) taking my children and partners children away together.
Sent all details to my ex, no acknowledgement at all. Sent to DPs ex who of course had to call upset. We had communicated that we were booking a holiday, likely dates and location a month or so ago so it wasn't a complete shock. Completely understand how she felt with kids being abroad without her, what I did have to roll my eyes at was the tears about her not seeing them for 10 days and that DP was 'taking her time with the kids away from her'. Luckily DP did point out that while he understood what she was saying, she has a 10 days girls holiday booked in September without the kids and she wasn't upset about not seeing the kids then. Then she got upset that DP wasn't understanding her... I poured myself a large glass of wine and left him too it.

Differences in parenting (what he sees as banter or cheeky, I see as rude quite often!), DH has a 'one big happy family' mentality - I don't want to do EVERYTHING together all the time as we're catering to different ages and interests, his DC are quite lazy - probably his fault as he does everything for him...all day to day stuff that we get on with at home but on holiday without any break with school, work, and them going to their mums it's quite amplified.

I see, yes that is hard and on holiday there's no escape, or the space that you have at home.
Your previously mentioned plan of a few glasses of wine sounds like a good idea!

Oh I had the ‘everything together’ for some years. But it was always ‘my kids really really want to do this so Ive agreed it with them. I was spending my own money on activities I didn’t enjoy and more importantly my child had no say in.

DPs kids were spoiled unpleasant and rude. No to everything. Totally running the show. Embarrassing. I tried discussing it after they upset a dear friend’s child. DP was defensive and said my friend was judgemental.

I realised stepping right back was the only way to show what wasn’t OK.

DP does his weekends with them on his own.

I’ve bowed out of their summer holiday this year too.

DP says he misses me and he’s lonely. I ask him to imagine how he might include us properly in future.

I feel really sorry for DP’s kids. It would be a shock for them to suddenly discover a world that doesn’t entirely revolve around them.

The natural consequences are kicking in. They are too self centred and too behind peers socially now to keep friends.

But I am seeing change. DP tells me about new systems he’s doing for turn taking, social skills, compromising. I’m open to going back to blending once it can be equal.

I was once the woman crying my eyes out on a hotel bathroom floor. But I drink a lot less wine these days. Since I disengaged I’ve lost a stone at least and look the best I have during our time together. I’m really lovely to DP during us time and he is motivated to have more of me. He knows what this would take.

The big ongoing issue is him pandering to (or something else) with the ex wife. I’ve not seen DP for a week because he’s insisting on going to every single end of term event. He’s driving his ex wife to them too. They won’t split the activities between them. And I won’t go if he’s driving her around.

But I’ll do what I do and give him the choice. If he won’t take my point of view into account he won’t see me. Perhaps there will be no relationship left.
But that’s DP’s choice.
.

@CandiedPrincess I hope you enjoy the wine it sounds like your going to deserve it!

@Stepmumptsd well done for maintaining your boundaries about the lift and going to the events. He can't have it both ways and like you said if he chooses to carry on and it costs your relationship then that's his choice.

The days have been cut down to 1 day per week here after DSS mum took a 3 week trip without telling us and now she's said to take back her time she's owed and he's had over his allowed amount it will be 1 day per week until the days are balanced out and naturally this means she's demanding more money for the summer holidays so she can and I quote "make memories with her baby boy after missing 3 weeks" due to her holiday!!
DPs mood is low and I'm fed up knowing the whole summer he's going to be miserable

That’s so hard knowing that your partner is going to be miserable because their ex. I don’t know what to do when this happens. I feel angry that the ex gets to ruin my couple time. DP is better at doing grey rock and not allowing his exw behaviour to affect him directly but he understandably can’t not be upset if it’s about something affecting kids.

It feels very unfair, me being impacted by DP being made sad by someone else.

But witnessing the crazy has been useful. I think I’m even nicer to my ex and his honestly lovely partner than I otherwise would have been. I don’t let them walk all over me but I am very keen to minimise conflict and activate as much empathy as I possibly can. I’ve now seen first hand how parental conflict damages adults’ mental health and affects their ability to parent wisely. The whole mucking around with access days is awful for kids too.

Oh I am so happy to see lots of support here for women going through so many of the common parts of 'blending' (spoiler alert - you don't HAVE to blend to be a successful happy family!)

I have a couple of podcasts which may provide some companionship on walks/commutes/cleaning missions!

1. Stepmum Space
2. You're not my mum!

I also wrote an article a few years back which I hope might make people feel less alone ‘I Didn’t Realise How Difficult And Lonely Becoming A Stepmum Could Be’ | %%channel_name%% (graziadaily.co.uk)

Keep sharing and remember - the expectations society has placed on us as women, coupled with the cultural narrative around stepmums (witches or martyrs) is a huge part of the problem!