Support thread for blended families?

[Blending123]

I wondered if anyone would like to join a support thread for living as a blended family?

So we've got somewhere to vent about the daily issues that annoy us - without having to set the scene with a big back story first, and hopefully for people not feeling the need to say LTB every time which tends to happen a lot when people post about step families.

Also hopefully we can celebrate the good bits - and remind ourselves why we are doing this- and what the vision is that we're aiming towards.

I joined an MN support thread when I was getting divorced which was really helpful- and basically carried me through. And I joined one when I was dating and met the love of my life.

So it could be something really useful, especially as I don't know any other families like ours ❤️

I'm in!
My blended family is struggling. Mainly as we have all 4 children here full time and my partners ex girlfriend has such a negative impact on his 2 children that it's now really impacting me and my two children! At my wits end xx

Brace yourself for the non step-parents hijacking the thread to tell us we're all monsters who hate our stepkids and we knew what we were getting into! 🤣

I thought I'd go first and tell you a bit about myself and our set up 😊

I've been divorced for 9 years, two dc aged 11&13. I've been with the love of my life for 5 years. He has 2 dc ages 15 & 9.

When we met we lived on different sides of the country and we literally moved heaven and earth to be able to live together.

Despite things sounding balanced with 2 kids each, now we're together things feel massively out of balance all the time.

One big element is that the 4 kids come and go to their different parents all the time- and we can't really settle into our groove as it changes every day.

Also money causing some problems which is to be expected I suppose.

We've lived together for one year.

I know!!!! That's what I was hoping to avoid! 🤣

Welcome @lespameo 👋

Ahh I was thinking if our 4 children lived with us full time it would be a lot easier 🤦‍♀️

Nothing could have prepared me for how difficult I’d find his ex’s influence in our (my) lives. It’s particularly challenging at the moment, I feel exhausted.

I've been with my DH for 3.5 years, married for 1.5 years. We've known each other since school and actually dated when we were 13.

I have 3 stepkids, 2 boys 16 and 17 and the apple of my eye, my 6yo DSD. DSS16 has a different mum from DSS17 and DSD. DSS17 is actually my DHs stepson but he's raised him as his own since he was 2 and he's had no contact with his bio dad since he was 3. He lives with us full-time, we have SD 50% and DSS16 lives with his mum and visits now and again as he works full time and has friend and a girlfriend near his mum's.

I've never met SS16s mum but she seems nice and has never caused any issues. The other mum is a different story.

I actually have no complaints at the moment. I've learnt over time to let go of things I have no control over. Things could be better with the problematic mum but we have good boundaries and she impacts us a little as possible at the moment. We can't control how she behaves, only how we allow her to affect us.

My DH is an incredible dad and a very supportive and loving husband. I think that's key to a happy blended family. Most of the issues in a blended family seems to stem from the partner not having the SMs back, not allowing any criticism or his kids or putting the ex ahead of their partner.

I'd love to join, we are currently mid blending. We have two homes, but when we have my DS we stay at mine, and when we have my DP's two DS's then I stay at his, when we have an over lap we stay in our respective homes. We are both very fed up of moving around all the time but neither house is big enough to have us all so we are currently making plans to full time blend. We do holidays all together and all the boys go to school together and know each other well. My DS being an only child struggles the most with the other two because a) they idolise him and b) they are more immature than him but I am hopeful that when we have a place all together they will all have their own space to be 'them'.

@Blending123 it'll be easier as long as the ex isn't a terrible human like my situation!!! I'll put a proper post on later when I finish work

I'd love to join please!

Two stepdaughters 14 and 11 and a 3 year old son.

Life is tough sometimes! The ex is a good person and we are lucky with that, but I do struggle with the influence that she has on our daily lives - our schedule has no structure and changes weekly to suit her. One week we could have SDs one day, and then the next it would be all week.

It makes planning really hard, especially with their incessant extracurricular activities and a toddler in the mix as a parent always has to be "on duty" with him.

For example, we've recently been told they've been booked into a new activity on Tuesdays, with the expectation that they do not miss it. I do an exercise on Tuesday, so DH looks after toddler (bedtime). One of us has to miss our activity tonight 😕

Its the lack of communication. IMO ex should have asked whether we can commit to getting the girls to a Tuesday activity before booking and paying for it.

I feel like bookable childcare a lot of the time.

Anyway, I shalnt rant too much on my first post!! Hope you're all having a good day xx

@SemperIdem 100000% what you said.

I never thought a random woman would have so much impact on me, years on.

following :)

Watching this post and hope it's all helpful stuff not sabotaged by non stepmums 🤣🤣🤣

My partner wants us to be a blended family but I struggle with this. His two kids like me a lot it seems but they can by very hard work and are an immense amount of work compared with my one very easy one (easy to me anyway). I have a good coparenting relationship with my ex. My partner’s ex put him through a horrific divorce where she first kidnapped the children and then when told by a court to give him 50/50 moved two counties away, forcing him to follow.

I have some influence over how my partner raises his kids, if I choose to take it although mostly I don’t, and none at all over how the ex parents which per the kids’ own reports is a mix of spoiling and neglect. I sympathise as I couldn’t cope with them either, as they are. She’s possibly collapsed under the weight of her previous poor choices. I don’t know and don’t judge as I’m not there and have never heard her side.

I offered to blend along the lines of partner lives with me, we pool resources to buy a lovely house, we have his two as often as possible and I muck in and do half his work. To build a structured, stable and happy home while they were here and show them how to be part of a functional family. He chose to move away near to the mom and children, has really struggled with his choice and while his parenting has improved immeasurably he is always exhausted.

He wants us to do what a previous poster on here does -.we live in my home when we have my kid and all in his home when he has his. We can then be married, he says.

I’m not sure whether I fancy the extra work (I don’t need his help with mine) and the constant nomadic lifestyle. I work full time in a demanding job.

I tell him I’m your girlfriend, we see each other when we can and any parenting support I provide is voluntary and based on the capacity I have and I expect you to be grateful. The same vice versa ofc. My therapist wholeheartedly agrees.

But while I often congratulate myself on staying disengaged from a family drama and hard kids that I didn’t create I’m not sure how long I get to do this for. I think my partner wants all the benefits of having a wife with no compromise under his ‘blend’ scenario (I offered to compromise by fully taking on his children when we had them but staying in my area to keep my kid near their dad and in a lovely school). He says no he wants our relationship to ‘go to the next level.’ But on his terms, clearly.

What do we all think? Perhaps I’m selfish.

Yes welcome @AnotherCountryMummy 👋 glad you can join and hope it's helpful

Ah yes @Stepmumptsd that situation doesn't sound a good option for you.

It's great you've got a therapist you can work through it with, as otherwise it's easy to get caught up in it all.

The best you can do for him, his children, and of course you and your child is stay strong and consistent in your message and not be swayed, as his life and his children's lives sound like they've been really chaotic so far - and for you to disrupt your child and your stable set up with your ex would just add more mayhem to everyone.

Hi @FatfunandADHD that's great that you can join 👋

Sounds like you'll need the benefit of a support thread if you are just embarking on your blended journey.

I posted here a year ago when we were about to blend. I got a LOT of advice not to do it, which now in hindsight I can fully understand.

But the reason for blending was for me to feel I was moving forward with my life and not living in limbo.

I wanted to live in a happy loving family, rather than putting off living with my partner for another 10 years and struggling alone as a single mum.

The reality is it's probably easier and calmer alone, but I wanted to give myself the opportunity to live my life and not feel like I was missing out, treading water, or waiting as life passed me by.

Long time lurker here!

I have 2 stepdaughters, 17 and 12, been with their dad for 7 years, living together for 5.5 years. No kids of my own and no desire or intention in that department! He's a great dad and a great partner, but can struggle to be both at once which given DSDs now live with us full time can be an issue

Where the kids spend their time has changed dramatically since we met, and full time step parenting was not something I considered in my due diligence prior to committing to this relationship 😂

His ex is high conflict, with numerous mental and physical health issues, all of which have had a huge impact on our relationship and my mental health, and I worry about the impact on DSDs (more than DP does I think!)

Its tough, and like others have said I find the ways in which my life has changed/been shaped due to things I can't control really difficult.

Hi @NoIdidntseethiscoming welcome to the thread 👋

Yes I can feel for you in how much straightforward childcare arrangements can change over time which you don't see coming.

When I met DP he saw his dc every other weekend, and my ex saw my dc every other weekend too.

Then firstly things changed and my partner's son came to live with him full time age 12.
Then shortly afterwards things for me changed for me for the worse and my dc started going 50/50 to their dad.

So I went from living happily with my dc, to having inherited at full time step son - and what felt like losing my own children.

I'm still not over it and feel a shame, while knowing I can't actually change the situation.

Do you have much of a relationship with your step kids?

DSD1, yes and we get on really well. DSD2 is more challenging with behaviour and attitude and we have zero common ground unless she wants me to take her shopping or sell things for her on Vinted.

DP and I both have differing opinions on acceptable behaviour which doesn't help at times.

I could have written this word for word! It's so hard and I sometimes consider leaving just so my own children can't be affected by DSC's mum and her behaviour or DSC's behaviour which is often influenced by her.

@Blending123 hoe does your relationship with your DSS work, has it been impacted by your DCs change of arrangements?

Oh I need this! Really really struggling at the moment 🥺

Please can I join?

I've been with my DP for 10 years he has 2 DC from a previous replathipship, I have one and then we have one together.

I thought after being 10 years in things would have settled but they haven't st all! His ex has pushed him so hard to the point he was suicidal and has alienated one Dc from him and still tries with the second.

It's draining. It had put us in such a bag place because his ex would say jump and he would but then it affected my DC a lot so I put my boundaries in place and said he can react however he sees fit however this is going to be to stop affecting me and the DC and since I've stood firm we've come through the storm in that our relationship is better but still just relentless from them.

@NoIdidntseethiscoming my relationship with dss was good before we lived together. Now it's been massively affected by DPs issues.

He's so defensive of his boys that he doesn't do anything to build a family dynamic.

The upshot is that dss spends his whole time in his room on his PlayStation and barely looks at me or comes out for meals.

Yes my dc found it really hard that I was now living with another kid and not them.

We're all kicked massively out of balance really.